I wish it were Friday. I mean, I’m glad it’s almost Friday but it would be SO much better if my week were over in 45 minutes instead of having another day left after this one.
Besides being broke – because oh dear gods we’ve been so broke and I can’t wait until payday tomorrow to bring the bank account back into the black – I’ve been feeling really horrible this week. I think I’m having a CFS flare or something. I normally am a little more run down on cycle just because my body’s all busy giving me cramps and such but this week has truly been frightening.
Tuesday I was so exhausted that even with chugging a Coke AND taking two Excedrin – with it’s absurd amounts of caffeine – I still couldn’t keep my eyes open. My vision was impaired, I was having “smears” and various types of visual distortions/hallucinations. I was also extremely groggy and unfocused and foggy. It was so bad, I literally felt drugged. I came home, laid down and slept for about an hour and a half and still was tired.
Yesterday and today it’s the same kind of thing but not quite as severe. Still really bad though. This morning, I was getting ready and it was all I could do not to just cry for the physical exhaustion I felt. I still feel like I could break down at any moment. It’s that “so tired you want to cry” feeling of helplessness and frustration at being so physically beaten up.
I’ve got about 40 minutes left in my day and I’m fighting to make it through. So I thought I’d stall for a little bit and write up an entry. I can’t tell you how hard the idea of facing ANOTHER day tomorrow is when I feel this way. When all you can think is “please don’t make me do this…” For anyone who’s never experienced true fatigue, it’s impossible to understand how emotionally devastating it can be in addition to how physically crippling. It’s so far beyond just “tired” it’s not even in the same universe.
I wish my business were more successful. Or at least, more consistent. It’s weeks like this were I fight tooth and nail just to get through the PART-TIME schedule I’ve already been reduced to that I wish I could count on my own income to get me through. I wish I didn’t have to put myself through this. I wish I could make enough to contribute to the household through things I can do on my own time in my own way without feeling like I’m taking years off my life to do a job I can’t stand.
Days like this I feel so defeated. I feel like I’m never going to be able to stop being so useless and pathetic. I feel broken and stupid because from the outside, I know most people don’t believe I’m sick and they think I’m just lazy or faking it or whatever. Meanwhile every single step is so hard-fought and so costly that I’m killing myself to take it. And for what? I still can’t help contribute to the household in any real capacity and it seems like it’s all just unappreciated effort.
I don’t know. I’m probably just being stupid and moody and emo or whatever and no one probably even wants to read this anyway. No one cares about this shit and they have their own shit to deal with and after all – I look fine so it’s all just BS anyway. Been there, done that, sick of hearing M bitch, right? Just a stupid pity-party for one.
I’m just so tired. And I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.