So Don’t Want To Do This

I cannot tell you how much I do NOT want to go into work this morning. I just so don’t want to deal with any of this. I’m finally starting to get a tiny fraction of feeling better; not better yet but you know when you’ve been sick and you get that first day where you’re not worse and you start having hope of one day being over the illness? That’s me today. Not better by any stretch of the imagination but at least, not quite as bad.

Still, I’m dreading the stress of this morning and seeing what will happen. I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I just laid there, awake (or waking up if I drifted off) and my mind just spun and spun.

I guess I’m just so frustrated at the unfairness of it all. That I just had to give up about $200 in pay last week because I have no paid time off. And that I had to just deal with being sick because I have no medical access at all. And that I could walk in today and be fired for having to take time off work because I got sick. Through no fault of my own, I can just be told, oh well see ya, and there’s nothing you can do about any of it.

I have to keep reminding myself that at the end of the day, what counts is taking care of yourself; that one’s health is more important than a stupid job I hate anyway. No, I don’t want to have to lose it but I didn’t do anything wrong and if the worst happens, it’s out of my hands. I’m trying to refuse to beat myself up over uncontrollable matters. (It’s tough going though because I love to beat myself up over everything.)

Anyway, stressed out and dreading going to work. I’d say wish me luck but I don’t know what to even hope for today. Either, I keep the job I hate which is good in the short term because it’s income, or I lose it and things suck in the short term but maybe I find something better. So…who knows. Maybe there’s no bad outcome today. I just have to remind myself taking care of myself was NOT the wrong answer no matter what the outcome and killing myself to please someone else doesn’t do me any favors.