{"id":778,"date":"2011-02-17T14:47:23","date_gmt":"2011-02-17T19:47:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/2011\/02\/sadder-moments\/"},"modified":"2011-02-17T14:47:23","modified_gmt":"2011-02-17T19:47:23","slug":"sadder-moments","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/2011\/02\/sadder-moments\/","title":{"rendered":"Sadder Moments"},"content":{"rendered":"
Getting serious for a moment, this is a bit of a rough time right now. I'm trying to be upbeat and positive and let Love have a really fun and enjoyable birthday, but I can't help but feel some sorrow. Last year, we all got together at Rand's house on the Saturday after Love's birthday (the 20th) for a party. Rand I ran around, picking up the food, Carvel cake, balloons, etc. and then decorating and preparing his house for the party. We had such a fun day; everyone enjoyed themselves. Love's mom and aunt plus my mom played Wii for the first time ever and we all had a nice time. It was a very good day.<\/p>\n

One week later to the day – Saturday, February 27th – we got a call from Rand's mom that he was in the ER. We went to the hospital and saw him for a few minutes before surgery. It would be the last time we saw him conscious. <\/p>\n

Over the next weeks, we struggled through the emotional roller coaster of his surgery and subsequent coma. And eventually, on March 13th, of his unexpected passing.<\/p>\n

I feel that sorrow just fluttering around the edges, right below the surface. It's a year later and I can't help but think about how much changed in that time. And how a year ago Rand and I were running around Publix buying party foods and stuffing balloons in the back of my car.<\/p>\n

I hate that I am sad around Love's birthday now. I hate that I feel it hanging over the event. I don't want him to associate his birthday with something so sad. I want him to enjoy himself and I want us to have a nice time. I had wanted to get away but I couldn't manage the combination of hotel availability and finances.<\/p>\n

As the day gets closer, I feel that submerged panic rising again. I'm sitting here at my desk at work and feel like I'm going to cry. But what good will that do? It doesn't make things better and I want to keep up a cheerful face for Love so he doesn't feel like his birthday isn't important. It is important to me. It's very important he has a nice weekend. But I can't help but feel those flutters of grief. Obviously, while I still miss him, the grief has gotten more manageable these past few months. It's settled in the way things do with time. But now, it's coming up again and it hurts.<\/p>\n

Gods I just want to cry right now! Stupid grief. I hate this feeling and I hate that it's coming back and that I feel so small to the weight of it.<\/p>\n

I have to stop. I can't let myself feel this right now. But I feel like if I don't cry, I at least need to talk about it and so I thought if I wrote something out it would help. I don't know that it is. But it's what I'm feeling right now and I don't want these feelings this weekend. I want to be happy and enjoy and celebrate. I need to figure out how to get through this weekend in a positive way but right now, I'm not sure how to do that. <\/p>\n

Posted via email<\/a> from memoryanddream’s posterous<\/a> <\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Getting serious for a moment, this is a bit of a rough time right now. I'm trying to be upbeat and positive and let Love have a really fun and enjoyable birthday, but I can't help but feel some sorrow. Last year, we all got together at Rand's house on the Saturday after Love's birthday…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-778","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/778","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=778"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/778\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=778"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=778"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/giveneyestosee.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=778"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}