32 year old Pagan
female who lives in Florida with her guy and two cats, loves Disney,
reads fanatically, tinkers in photography and believes growing up is
overrated.
Deals with several chronic health
concerns and worked part-time as an Admin Assist until the company
closed in November 2009. Looking once again for a part time job.
Also runs her own small business,
PhoenixFire Designs.
Help support Pet Cancer Awareness
I lost my beloved cat,
Kush, to cancer in 2003. Cancer is the #1 disease-related cause of death
for cats and dogs. With your support, together we can find a cure
ASPCA
The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
details
"all good things..." ver.
26
originally created 04/26/10 and designed for 1024x768 or larger,
CSS capable browser Like
There are people on the net that
have nothing better to do with their time then be nasty to other
people online. They post rude comments, spend hours a day talking
about sites they hate so much, that they well, spend hours a day
talking about them. (lame) They mock the owners and posters for
their opinions and their right to free speech. They expect everyone
to fit into their narrow-minded little world view or else they throw
a temper tantrum.
To these people I say
grow up.
Here's a bit of info people...the
web is a HUGE place. If you don't like what I say here, or who I am,
or what I do, or talk about, or what I look like, or the color of my
hair, or whatever asinine thing you dwell on,
go somewhere else. It's really, really easy. Honest. You just
click the little "x" in the corner of your browser and *poof* the
offending, big, mean and nasty site has disappeared.
I pay for this site. It's mine.
That means I can use it for whatever the hell I want to. Don't like
it if I'm bitching about something in my life? Oh fucking well. Go
somewhere else. Think I'm stupid for expressing my thoughts? Too
fucking bad, don't read them. Somewhere along the line, someone
forgot this simple fact: Live and let live
Don't like me, cool, fine, whatever, I don't care. This
journal is NOT for you. It's for me. I'm not in it for popularity or
fame or anything stupid like that. I write it because I need to
write and express myself and get things out of my head sometimes. So
read or don't, it doesn't matter, but don't waste my time (or yours)
bitching about it.
*gets off soapbox*
: : all good things : :
my handcrafted jewelry, wearable
horns and more!
all hand made
M. Turner
Po Box 1484
Elfers, FL 34680
Dreamhost is a great webhost with a TON of bandwidth and features. I
use them myself.
use MISSM25OFF
for $25 off!
Monday, April 26, 2010
NEW BLOG LOCATION I started this journal in January of 2001 and for the past nine years have used Blogger to update and publish my blog. Sadly, this is no more. Google bought Blogger a few years ago and has now decided to stop supporting FTP updates. They want me to put my blog on their servers, out of my control, despite the fact I own for and pay for a domain of my own and much rather keep things under my control, thankyouverymuch.
So, it is with a sad heart I must bring this particular blog to an end.
NO WORRIES THOUGH! THE BLOG CONTINUES!
I've installed and configured a brand new blog. It now uses Wordpress software in order to update it. It's still under my control and on my domain like I require. But there's a very slight URL change.
It's already up, live and running. This old location will stick around for archive and posterity, but will NO LONGER BE UPDATED.
Please update your bookmarks, favorites and links to the new URL.
This will be my last entry here on this location and will thus remain for anyone finding this blog in the future to know where I went.
It's tough to say goodbye to an old friend but I hope you'll all love the new look, style and functionality of my new Wordpress blog just as much as this one's probably grown on you here.
Thanks for nine exciting, frustrating, informative, soul-searching, and all-around interesting years. See you on the other side!
It’s a trilogy of fun this morning: my head hurts, my stomach hurts and I didn’t sleep worth a damn. I really needed another half hour or so to address the stomach issues but I was already 10 minutes late, so I didn’t really have MORE time to deal with it. I’m not sure how I’m going to make the entire day though.
And last night, my subconscious decided it would be loads of fun to give me nightmares. All night long, dreams about people I love dying and me being left alone. Awesome. That sort of shit scares me already, normally as it is. I would lose my apartment and have no place to go with no money whatsoever if something happened. Even more so now that Rand’s gone because he at least had a house with a guest bedroom. But if something happened to Love…I’d have no place to go.
I am so not ready to face the day today. I so don’t want to be here. (Which is why I’m stalling and writing up an entry instead of making my calls.) I’m so on the edge of tears right now, it’s absurd. Even typing this, I can’t think about it too much or I’m going to cry. Today feels like one of those real, “I’m going to totally break down” days. These tenuous threads I’m clinging to are so frayed they can’t hold anymore.
Anyway, what else is new? I’m broken. I’m damaged. I’m exhausted. And I don’t want to face the world. Broken record these days.
Birthday Info Because everyone keeps telling me I'm not allowed to be sad about my birthday (even though I am) and that I deserve to have a nice birthday despite still being pretty heavy in grief, anxiety and panic right now, here's the pertinent info. Do with it or not as you will. Date May 16thTurning 33Address: M. Turner PO BOX 1484 Eflers, FL 34680 USAAmazon wishlist http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/wishlist/397IKAEGOJ51E/ Crafty, Handmade Items Wishlist http://www.wists.com/PhoenixFireDesignsSome items on there are totally absurd (cell phone, countertop kiln, PS3) and some are less (books, dvds, etc.) I tend to use it half as a practical wishlist and half as a pipedream list. The crafty wishlist has items I've wisted that are mostly handmade (like hand knit socks, or sewn items, etc.) I do a lot of crafty swaps and such and really enjoy handmade goodies as well, hence the separate list for it. My birthday is just really making me sad this year because I don't really have a lot of friends in person and so it feels lame and stupid thinking about my birthday and it's tough having lost such a close friend. Whatever. I don't know. The whole thing is stupid this year anyway.
Thankfully I woke up this morning feeling better. Most of the pain and pressure in my forehead had gone away. It had felt like I had a golfball lodged there and the pain was relentless. Nothig helped. Yesterday it was probably about an 8 on a scale of 1-10 and today more like a 3 or 4. So big improvement. My nose is a little sniffly but I think that's a good thing since that's the crap coming out. I was even able to sleep pretty well last night. Still worn out a little but overall feeling better. I'm glad it was better today because it seemed like nothing was helping yesterday and I was getting worried about how I was going to afford a dr appointment to get antibiotics. So back to work tomorrow. I didn't go today because Wednesday is my day off. It will be weird going back as it always is when you're off and have been sick but it should be ok. Thanks for the suggestions. I think it definetly helped. Anyway just wanted to give a quick update. Watching Playoff hockey right now so I'm going to get back to that. 25 days til my birthday. Still bummed about it more then anything. : ( oh well don't want to get all sad about that right now. Ta. Sent from my iPod
I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection. I've never had one before so Sunday when I started having pain in my forehead above my right eyebrow I just thought I was maybe a low-grade migraine in a slightly different place then normal. Pain on my right side for migraines is very common for me, though it's normally in the temple or behind the eye. Sunday, Monday and now today it's still there and last night I didn't sleep at all. The pain was much worse all night and I have been alternating between roasting and freezing and just sweating all night. I am normally very cool temperature wise so for me to be sweating means a fever. Google confirms my symptoms pretty much exactly as sinisitus or, acute sinus infection. Stress, seasonal allergens and other factors can be a cause. Pollen has been brutal for a couple weeks now and well I think stress is a given. Of course with no health insurance I don't have access to get an antibiotic and won't have cash for a walk-in until at least Friday when we get paid. I am going to try the home care advice I found and just hope it will be enough. Anyone with any tips or experience with sinus infections, I'd love to get your feedback on what might help. This is new to me so I'm open to suggestions. Sucks being sick and this pain my my forehead is miserable. With the no sleeping and fever I also had to call into work. I am heading back to bed now but ugh...not sure how much luck I'm going to have sleeping seeing as it didn't work at all last night but I have got to try. I feel like I've been run over by a bus. Any suggestions appreciated. Thanks. Sent from my iPod
T-30 Days Normally, today, being one month until my birthday would be a day where I get silly and post links to my amazon wishlist and excitedly remind people about my upcoming celebration, give out my post office box addy, etc....this year though? I just find I'm not terribly excited. I don't really care. I'm still too emotional, upset, grieving, panicked and otherwise disengaged to want to celebrate anything. Not to mention, it will mark the first "holiday" of sorts since Rand passed. It will be a big, obvious empty place in my birthday without my best friend there. So it's 30 days until my birthday and I really wish it just was already over. I don't care about the number this time around, I just don't want to face trying to be happy and failing.
T-30 Days Normally, today, being one month until my birthday would be a day where I get silly and post links to my amazon wishlist and excitedly remind people about my upcoming celebration, give out my post office box addy, etc....this year though? I just find I'm not terribly excited. I don't really care. I'm still too emotional, upset, grieving, panicked and otherwise disengaged to want to celebrate anything. Not to mention, it will mark the first "holiday" of sorts since Rand passed. It will be a big, obvious empty place in my birthday without my best friend there. So it's 30 days until my birthday and I really wish it just was already over. I don't care about the number this time around, I just don't want to face trying to be happy and failing.
Weekend Recap In which our Heroine goes to Disney and finds a pearl (while her Hero gets ill); yet again fails to get any meaningful sleep and thus misses another day of work; talks to her boss about the future of said job - and other harrowing adventures!
Saturday April 10th Love's brother, Love and I were supposed to go to WDW. It was the first weekend after of our Spring Break blackout period and with life being as it's been, we all needed a day away. Sadly, Love's brother wound up having to work, so it was just the two of us. We got off to a late start as both of us were tired and having some grumbly tummies, but we got on the road around 11am.
Love drove the first 40 minutes or so but was really tired and felt like he was nodding off. So we found an exit with food and pulled off. Love got an Arby's sandwich and I took over driving the rest of the way. This was perhaps not the best idea as we'll see later.
So we finally arrive at Epcot first around 12:30pm. We wander around the countries a bit, I have a pastry in France and we make our way to Japan. They have this thing called, "Pick a Pearl" where you get to pick the oyster and they open it with a whole ceremony and everything. Love always says I should do it but I say, "no" or "next time" because while it looks fun, I never want to spend the money. Well, this time, he made me do it to cheer me up.
I guess these are called "Akoya" pearls and are regarded as the finest cultured pearls in the world. The average is 6.5mm. Mine? A giant 8mm! They were very excited and all said mine was the largest find of the day. It's very lovely. We picked out a sterling silver cherry blossom setting and they set it for me right there in about 20 minutes. It's only $17 (tax included) for the Pick A Pearl in Japan and the settings range from about $20 on up. So it was a small splurge but it was so much fun and I am so in love with my beautiful pearl - and proud of having the largest of the day! - that Love was right; it was worth it.
Now of course, I want to do it again but if I got a little dinky pearl, it'd be a disappointment after getting such an awesome one my first time out!
After that fun, I took some pics of the butterfly garden. Always a favorite of mine during the Flower and Garden Festival.
Lots of monarchs this time, but man it makes me long for a camera with a much longer zoom lens! 3x zoom makes it hard to get in close enough to the butterflies without them flittering away.
After that, we went over to Magic Kingdom. By this time, however, Love wasn't feeling so well. In fact, he lost the probably poor-choice Arby's sandwich while I was taking butterfly photos. We got to MK and I was hungry so I got us late lunch/early dinner (it was about 4:30pm) and then Love had to call it a day. He got sick once more before the drive home. Boo. So the day started off fun but sadly, didn't end quite as well.
Sunday, April 11th - Love was still ill from the day before so we just ran a few errands and called it a day. He didn't even go down to his parents for the weekly Sunday morning breakfast.
Monday, April 12th - I didn't sleep worth a damn and by the time Love was leaving for work (around 6:30am), I knew it was going to be another one of the "unable to face the day" days. Ever since this crazy anxiety/panic attacks thing started, some days I just literally can't function. I feel like I'm drowning and there's nothing I can do about it. We're trying to find someone who I can talk to that will work on a sliding scale or something but so far, no luck. And I certainly don't have $150/hr. So I had to call into work again and pretty much spent the day sleeping.
Tuesday, April 13th - First off, today is 1 month since Rand passed. Which made it even more fun then normal. I laid there this morning, looking at the clock around 7:30am, thinking about a month ago we were getting the call at that exact same time. It's weird because in some ways, it feels like so long ago, and in others, it feels like it just happened.
So anyway, got up and went into work today as best I could. And I'm about an hour and a half into my day (so it's around 10:30am) when my boss Erik comes over and asks me to come talk with him. Of course, I'm positive this is it; I'm getting canned. I've missed a lot of days the past month because of not sleeping, migraines, panic attacks, etc. and I know it's just really bad.
Turns out, he was just worried about me. I broke down crying - because I'm stupid like that and I can't help but cry when I talk about these things - and told him about the anxiety/panic attacks, the lack of sleeping, etc. Instead of being angry, he was really understanding. He told me I can take as much time as I needed and if I ever needed to go home early, that was fine too. He really hopes I can get to talk to someone and was really nice about it all. Said these things take a long time to get over and I'm doing a great job and don't worry because I'm not going to lose my job. (I confessed, as a blubbering idiot I was so worried about losing my job because I was being such a flake but I'm not normally like this and I'm so sorry about being such a flake and I've never dealt with panic and anxiety before and it's making me a mess and did I mention I was sorry...?)
So that's one huge relief.
My co-worker and trainer, Janet talked to me after my talk with Erik and she reassured me too that I was awesome, my emotions being all over the place are totally normal, that I wasn't going anywhere and they are still all glad to have me.
Whew.
I've really been stressing that on top of everything else since I really didn't want to lose the job but being so stressed out and panicking and not sleeping and such means some days I just literally can't function like a normal human being. At least I know I can take a day (or more, Erik even said I can take as much time as I need and to focus on myself and getting better first and foremost) when I need it.
So...yeah. That's the last few days. Oh, for those keeping track I still do NOT have my new glasses yet. Yes, I ordered them February 19th and have received four incorrect/flawed/unwearable pairs thus far, made six trips over there and my next replacement pair "is on rush order" since March 15th. Yeah, color me pissed. Did I mention the crack in my right lens is now about an inch long? I am SO going to be asking for my money back on the pair when they finally get around to making them correct. This is beyond absurd.
Alright, time to make dinner. Started this like an hour and a half ago so probably should do something else productive now. Just haven't really had time to write up entries and this probably should have been divided up into a few, but...there you have it.
Tomorrow I'm off so that's good and we'll see how the rest of the week plays out.
It's finally Friday. Of course yesterday all day I kept hoping it was my last day of the week but life doesn't wrap up as neatly as what we wish it would be. Made I in both yesterday and today which feels like climbing mount Everest. This morning it's all dark, gloomy and raining which makes it the kind of day you don't want to get out of bed. (Granted I almost never want to get up out of bed theses days but rainy mornings are even worse.)
I didn't sleep the night before last so last night I took a little Benedryl to help me sleep more. It helped but I'm still really tired and worn out.
Talked to so many clients on the phone at work yesterday my throat is actually a litttlr sore today. Part of he reason I'm stalling this morning and writing this entry is because I don't really feel up to more chatting.
We were suposed to have a meeting this morning and I was looking forward to wasting an hour but someone called in and now we're short so I don't think it will happen.
Tomorrow, Love, his brother and I are going to hit Disney. We can all use a mental health getaway day. It's sadly supposed to still be busy with Spring Break kids but it's been a month or so since we've been and I'm looking forward to it anyway.
Blah. Ok I guess I should stop stalling and start calling. Can't believe how slow my day is going so far and how many more hours are left but....guess that's life.
Monday morning. Stomach giving me problems. 15minutes late getting in here and really, I needed longer but I didn't have it. I just am really over being here. It's so dill and boring and corporate and I dread everyday I have to show up. I should be working right now but I'm stalling because I just don't want to be here. At all. Not even a little. Not one tiny shred. I just want to go home and stop doing this. I really just hate my job.
I'm so sad and overwhelmed and it feels like hours of Hell ahead of me to be here today. I don't want to be here.
Back at work this morning after being sick the last two and a half days with a cold. Still stuffy and my voice is pretty shot (very unhelpful when your entire job is being on the phone!) plus I'm still really tired and runover feeling but I'm here and trying.
Just heard from Love that Rand's parents are letting the bank take the house back. They took the last stuff out yesterday when Salvation Army picked up everything left. They also came and got the kittie but it's really not going well apparently. We will also try to take one of the girls - Carra - since she was Rand's cat and is clawed and needs a loving home if she can't get along with his moms cats. Of course there is no guarentee that she will get along with ours either.
Blah. It's been a Hell of a week and an even worse month+ now. Anyway should get back to work. Just so not into it today. Tomorrow is a long drive to my aunt's house over an hour away for a combo my sisters birthday/Easter get together. Then Sunday we are having dinner with Rand's family. So busy weekend.
