And yet I sit here in a 4x6 foot cubical, blinded by the incessant glare of fluorescent lights, the dusty air conditioning making me sneeze and freeze in one. So very bored, so very unchallenged and so desperately depressed. And I think I am going to scream. Just scream. To yell until my voice cracks. To scream and scream and never stop. Feel the tears pour down my face as I just sob. Pull out my hair and s c r e a m
Oh gods I want to go home. I want to just curl up and sleep. Sleep until I never wake up. Just take the warm darkness and let it fill every pore of my being. Seep into me until there is nothing but the blackness. Until I stop screaming and stop crying and just stop. Just stop.
I can't do this. I just can't do this anymore. None of it. Any of it. I just want it all to end and it never will. It just goes on and on and I can't do it anymore. I just fucking can't. I don't want to and I don't want to even try. I want to walk away from my desk right now. Just stand up and walk away. Just leave. Just go and never come back. I just want to go home and sleep. Just lay down and surrender to that darkness.
I am sick of pretending. Sick of playing games. Sick of hoping for the better when the best is still a walking hell. I hate it all. I hate it and I don't want it anymore. Oh gods, how do I just remain here in my seat? How can I stay and act like nothing is wrong as the minutes tick so slowly. Knowing that I have two and a half hours left?? How can I sit and stare at this screen, how can I just be here and act like I'm not insane with my fear and my sorrow and my hurt?
Make it fucking stop. Make it stop and go away. I can't take it anymore. Gods, I want to scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream .how can I sit and be silent ????????
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 1/23/2001 02:46:36 PM ~
~
