What in the world is wrong with me now? I am having a problem of late where I am literally overtaken by a need to close my eyes. I will sit there, in mid action-this morning driving down the road (!), working at my desk, etc.-and I suddenly can't see straight. It's like my eyes are crossing on their own. And an overwhelming need to close my eyes floods my body like warm syrup. I just have to close them. I then feel myself slipping…it's like I'm stuck in this half falling, half floating motion and I can tell I'm losing consciousness. It's like I'm just falling asleep-the same dark heaviness, but quicker and much, much stronger. I have to literally fight to open my eyes, to focus on what I was doing, and to simply stay awake and aware. It's scary because it's so strong and so sudden and I can't control it. It was happening as I drove in today. I'm driving down the Causeway doing 70mph and I feel it swarm up on me. Suddenly, I can't drive the car and I'm drifting away from the reality around me.

Oh gods, it's horrible, but I am not worried or bothered by it in those moments. It's warm and comforting this darkness. It's soft and I just lose my fear and worries. But, on the fringe-the outside edges, I am screaming. I can feel myself clawing at the darkness, trying to hold on to the reality, trying to remain conscious. That rational part is so small and weak though-it could not convince my body to respond on it's own, but-as in this morning's example-I was able to reach over and blast the air conditioning on. The shock of the cold air roused me back and allowed me to regain control of myself. (I was half in the other lane by this point-a scary thought when one realizes that it's a narrow two lanes with a barricade and oncoming traffic on one side, the lane then the water immediately past on the other)

I can't deal with another problem like this. The strain and the annoyance and the stress it's causing on myself and my life. The way my health-or, more appropriately lack thereof-is such a constant struggle makes every aspect hell. From the way I can't bring myself to work (and even when I do, I ache, hurt, and just barely get by), to the way I can't hold a job for any amount of time the last few years (I am always so sick, taking too many days off, and can never get my insurance to try-albeit seemingly futile-to correct these problems), to the way that my Love is equally fed up with the bills, the illness, my lack of interaction and activity, the way I can't get out of bed on the weekends and the way I am always the source of our financial woes. He is frustrated at the lack of fun in our lives-the way we fail to do anything anymore and I admit, I am as well. But, I am too sick to truly try to make it better. It's so daunting, I rather curl up and sleep.

When did I become a stranger to my own self? When did this torrent of physical pain and mental delusion overtake me so that I can't even tell who I am anymore? I am like a marionette-being pulled this way and that, making my way through the motions required of me and nothing more. No thought, no will, no joy, no emotion in these actions. No fun no warmth, no love. Just the mindless path from one to another, ignoring myself and those I love. And it too hurts. Adding to the burdens and pains already threatening to suffocate me. Pushing me back into that liquid darkness, that dreamless sleep.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 1/29/2001 12:28:34 PM ~ ~