Daily lunchtime check-in. Not that there's much to report. Had the blood draw again this morning (after waiting an hour just to be seen). Felt like absolute shit afterwards-even the nurse was hesitant to let me go. They always worry I'm going to pass out. (they'll worry even more once they get back the hemoglobin count) Thing is, I don't have that luxury. I don't just drop off into sleep when the anemia rages. Oh no, that would be far too simple. Instead, I remain conscious. Miserably, aware and awake. But, so dizzy, fuzzy, and lightheaded that I can barely see. My body quivers from the inside out and I am suddenly as warm as ice. It's horrible, but nothing visible for people to see and recognize. I look well enough to continue my activities-for, after all, I'm always pale-but inside, I'm just in need of a nap. Life would be easier if I did pass out. Then at least, it would force people to recognize that no, I'm not ok to drive 25 miles right now, that I need to lay down and rest, and that I truly am suffering through this damned condition. (I say this from my job of course, where I did exactly what I should not have: hoped in the car and drove the hour to get here as soon as possible despite the fact I hate the job and the fact that I really had a hard time maintaining a lane.)

Seems all I do lately is bitch about my anemia. Guess after five years of feeling perpetually like I have the flu, I'm sick of it.

Anyway, I'm actually hungry for once today. I can't remember the last time I've eaten more than a forced-down bagel from 7am to 7pm. My appetite has been just nonexistent lately. Today though, I finally feel the stirrings in my stomach begging to be fed. Fine with me. I know I need to eat and hate when I can't. In short, this is where I will close for now. Hope everyone is better than I am.
-m

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 2/7/2001 12:21:58 PM ~ ~