It's amazing how quickly a pleasant weekend (complete with actual fun and joking with my Love…oh, it was so nice to be silly again for once!) can fade away to nothing in the face of an ungodly early alarm clock, a mind-numbing commute (complete with the fun of a semi trying to run me off the road!), and the realization that I can't fathom a job I'd hate more than this one. There are so many repetitive things to do, so many times I have to type out the same cryptic and garbage engineering job descriptions, to having to cut and paste things from the newspapers…ugh. So NOT what they sold it as…example? Here's a note I wrote when trying to decide what job to take about what they said it was going to be like.

#3(originally dismissed for salary, but wants me so much, they've matched the highest offer) Interesting position though. A very new role-being the main point of contact for all their internet leads. Working closely with their site and ensuring job postings are accurate, reviewing resumes to get to correct dept/recruiter, matching them up with jobs in the system. In the Engineering division. The position is very new and is a very vital one where people will easily see my success. Room for growth and advancement within the company. Very fun atmosphere office…. Middle of downtown so I have NO clue what's around besides office buildings. Commute is a little harder as it involves a few miles on the dreaded interstate (nightmarish under the best of conditions) but really, only like 4 exits…

Oh yeah, I get to be the Point of Contact-I am the dumping grounds for anything and everything. I have to do more shit, take every phone call that comes in asking anything about Engineering, and type, re-type, re-re-type, and re-re-re-type the same job descriptions on literally ten different places. (in two different excel sheets, in Outlook, in our company database, on different web job boards, etc.) I HATE it. But, I am so stuck. I need not only the money, but the insurance. Damn do I need the insurance. I barely managed to keep it long enough to qualify and now I can't even actively look for something else because I've got so much I need to get done (from the cavities I've endured for about a year now, to getting my eyes checked-think I need some damn driving glasses-to of course my anemia and Pill problems.) It's so damn frustrating since I'm stressing myself sicker with this aggravation and lack of sleep. (I never get more than 5 ½ hours sleep during the week EVER) But, I need the insurance. GGGGRRRRRRRRR

Such a damn, damn waste.

I'm starting to wonder if you can lose IQ points if you spend too much time in sheer and complete monotonous boredom? I swear I feel myself growing stupider by the fact I never actually have a need to think anymore! It's kinda scary actually. When you just turn off your brain and shuffle through the motions long enough, can you forget how to turn it back on? I think this is why people (whether true or not) say they are simply doing this until ___ (fill in the blank) Until they become a movie star, before they become a famous artist, before they publish their first book, before, before, before… I think creative people cling to the need to believe that they are not stuck in corporate hell forever, that it is a choice until they CAN do what they want. But, how many people ever make it past those ties? I know even I say I'm going to write and get these damn novels out of my head and be and author, but am I just fooling myself? Are we all? At what point does the illusion end?

*sigh* Thoughts without answer. As always…still isn't changing the fact I am sitting in a desk, freezing my ass off (who has the A/C on when it's 55 outside??), and stalling from turning my brain completely off again.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 2/5/2001 11:07:51 AM ~ ~