You know it's a bad sign when the doctor hears your level of anemia, pauses, blinks a few times and says, "I'll need to call the on-call doctor this weekend to warn him about your lab results." See, thing is, my counts are emergency-level low. He knew, that since it was coming up on the weekend, when the results came back, the office would be closed. When the lab got back counts like that, they'd panic and page the on-call to warn him of emergency patient needs. But, it's not an emergency, it's just the state of my life for the last five years...

If you haven't already guessed, my insurance finally started February 1st and I saw my new Primary Care Physician yesterday for the first time. Guy seems really decent, like he gives a damn that I've been suffering this long with little to no concern from my previous doctors. Thing is though, he said something no one's approached me with since it's original discovery-he wants me to seriously consider a transfusion.

Seems like such a small thing on the outside, but it truly terrifies me. He said anyone under a hemoglobin count of 8, should really get one. My last count was 6.8. It's not been over 7 in a year... (normal, keep in mind, is 12) He says that it's an Outpatient procedure, that with the screenings these days very safe, that-in the short term anyway-it will make me feel better, give my body a chance to rest. But, we're talking several units of blood. Injected into my veins. It's horribly frightening. Thing is, I don't react properly to anything. Never have, doubt I ever will. So I can't help but wonder what several units of other people's blood will do to my system.

I don't know. I'm still trying to find a measure of stability and comfort. To come to terms with myself and my situation. At least, with-for the moment-insurance, I can hope a little for some level of comfort to find it's way to me...

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 2/3/2001 03:30:43 PM ~ ~