GGGGRRRRRRRRRRR....keeps saying it's posting, but it's not!!! I keep having to retype these notes about how it was from the other day, but on the forum, blogger wasn't working and yada yada. Anyway, this is TAKE FOUR to publish it. Grrrr.

I've started a new job again. Monday was my first day. So, you know how stressed and busy I've been lately? Well, it just got worse. Not sleeping the last four days isn't helping, nor the fact that I've had a migraine lingering just as long...

I'm tired and not yet feeling up to working. Although, I doubt I'll ever feel "ready" Just so much has been going on with my health and love life and whatnot, that it seems too soon. Like I'm just not ready to handle this all yet. My body's throwing a fit to be honest over the shift in schedule and attitude. I have to try to be useful, helpful, and attentive for 8 straight hours a day now and it's really damned hard. What else isn't helping is that my eyes are just getting worse and worse. I'm to a point where I just can't see anymore and I don't know what to do about it. Glasses were never something I ever thought about for me and I hate the fact that if I start wearing them, that's it. I'll have them forever. But, as I sit no more then two feet from this monitor, I'm squinting to make out what I'm typing. It's all blurred at the edges and it's getting worse. Something about the fluorescent lights makes it even more pronounced. It scares me and I worry what it means. Of course, with the lights and the lack of sleep, the migraines have come back full force as well. Ugh...I feel like all the energy and bonus I got back from the Iron treatments has evaporated under the stress and changes. More and more I come to the unwavering realization that I simply can not handle this kind of schedule. It's too hard on my body. But, it leaves me lost. I don't know how else to survive and it scares me. What am I to do if I can't work?

I can literally feel it building again...the little pieces chipping away, leaving me weak and sick again. And I don't ever want to feel that way.

oh gods, I don't know what to do. Four days in and I'm already scared. Job's not bad, but it's just so hard for me...I know I'm burning through my newly, hard-earned blood counts...I can just feel it...

Anyway...just a note that I'm here, but hardly. I'm trying to watch anyway....

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 3/30/2001 02:11:24 PM ~ ~