I'm all scared. (I know, big surprise...I'm such a worry-wart!) I have to start my new job tomorrow...I'm happy that I'll be working again-we need the money so desperately-but it's been almost 6 weeks since I've had a job and I've gotten to really like NOT working. I don't know how to get back into a "normal" schedule anymore. I've had all of like two migraines since I haven't been working and I like that. I like sleeping when I want to sleep. I like being up as long as I want to be. I like lounging and planning my days out around one or two goals for the day. It's been great. I eat, sleep, play, dress, work, etc. when and as I want to. I'm going to miss it horribly.

The longer I am out and away from the corporate life, the better I feel. The more alive and powerful I feel. The more "me" I feel. I don't want to give that back up, but I know I have to. And that's hard. It hurts. It sucks. And it makes me hesitant and fearful...I'm at a point right now where having and holding down a normal job feels like a foreign thing. Like it happened to someone else. I'm so far from where I was when I was that corporate person (yes, in only this short 6 weeks!) that I don't feel secure. I feel like it's a first job ever or that I'm some newbie without practical skills. Yes, I know logically that I still know how to use Office and how to type a letter and how to deal with adverstising deadlines, but it doesn't feel like I know how. I feel like it's not me.

I'm worried that I'll go in there tomorrow and I won't fit. It will be all awkward and weird and I'll suck. I won't be able to do the simple things I need to do to get through my day. I'm used to making my schedule whatever I want it to be and now, I'm hitting the emergency brakes and stopping in mid-stride. It's weird. And it worries me...

So...come 8am tomorrow I'll be at my new job. In uncomfortable shoes and restrictive clothes. Fresh from fighting traffic and faced with a long and seamless day before me. Tired and nervous and wishing that I was anywhere but there. And thus it begins. At least I'm healthy...at least I won't have my own body fighthing me. It's something anyway. And I need all I can get. Right now, it feels like a job is a great thing in theory...as we get closer to the reality, it gets more and more unpleasent...

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 3/25/2001 07:29:47 PM ~ ~