I'm in that point where my days are just blurs of light and dark. At some point, I wake up and it's sunny. People are awake and going about their business. Eventually (and rather mindlessly fast) it starts getting dark. Things settle down and get far too quite again. I stay here until my eyes hurt from strain and the crumple into bed for it to happen again.
It's weird. I've literally accomplished NOTHING this entire week. I've not packed one box, I've done no laundry, washed no dishes, etc. I've sat in alternating stages on the couch, at the computer, and on the bed. That's it. The fact that today I managed (by 6pm nonetheless) to take a shower, get dressed and drive to Target to get some more shampoo was an adventure. But now I'm here again, alone, having spoken no more then a dozen words all day (and those being, "Hi" and "Thank you" to the cashier)
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{I actually started to zone out while writing this, so I stepped away to put some ice on my neck and lay down on the couch. I've got a wicked knot in my neck and it's just aching. Don't know if I'm sleeping wrong or what, but damn, it's huge and giving me a killer headache. Anyway, I actually dozed off for about 20 minutes}
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But, this adds to my thoughts of how it's just one meaningless transition...sometimes I'm here at the computer, sometimes I'm on the couch watching tv, or otherwise, I'm sleeping in bed. There's nothing that I want to do, nothing I have a drive or energy to do, nothing that makes any purpose to these numb hours and days.
My Love had a party to go to tonight - both he and our friend Rand are occupied at my once-friend Crystals. (You may have read some bitching over how she was living with us for awhile and yet not paying for anything let alone saying thank you). What really sucks is they are just a few buildings down. And I am here, bored, lonely, and mindless without anything to do. It sucks to be frank. And I'm so sick of being by myself. A week only and I'm already going mad. I'm just not cut out for solitude and not having any friends that aren't his friends is really, really shitty. I need to be around people and have fun right now. Got my car back, but have no money or people to hang out with. I don't want to go out somewhere to "meet" anyone because 1)it's not my thing 2)I don't want to endure people hitting on me right now 3)I don't drink {although I've been seriously reconsidering that and contemplating if I want to get drunk here by myself}and therefore going to a club isn't comfortable and 4)I'm horrified of being alone somewhere public. Maybe it's just paranoia, but I'm so afraid of getting jumped, robbed, or worse. It makes me rather stay in. If I were with someone, that'd be different, but I literally have no one to call. It makes me feel even more pathetic that I lack a friend network. =(
On the job front
So, I've been really torn about what to do for a job. I'm just having no luck - not even for something temporary to get me by. The problem of course is worsened by the fact that where I'll be living is 20 miles further north then I am now. As it stands, I'm in the fringe of the "city" area. It's already a decent drive to get downtown somewhere - about 20-30 miles depending on where I'm going. So, to add another 20 miles into the equation, means I'd be facing another commute-only this time, one FAR more then the last that just killed me. Getting a job in the area I'll be isn't really an option. Pending I could even find something - it's not like there's any companies or large offices around - it would pay at least $5,000-$10,000 less a year then what I was making before. And, to try to live off that (when my goal is to return to this area once I've saved some money and gotten on my feet again) is simply impossible. Add to that the fact that I don't want to commute, I'd be looking at getting a crapola job paying squat for the next few months (no idea how long it will take to get on my feet again - could be more like 6 months. Ugh) only to turn around and try to find another when I'm ready to move. I don't want to do that. It's too hard to find a full time job as it is, I don't really want to do it twice.
So...I've been trying to think of what I can do to make things work better for me. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to look into being a server at a restaurant. Not something I've done before, something I've very nervous over, and not the most rewarding or um, prestigious job, but one that would give me short weeks, less taxes, and daily cash money. Right now, the idea of having to get back into a 8am-5pm grind again isn't so appealing. I don't really feel up to the rat race. And, after talking to my sister about it, I'm feeling a little less freaked out over the idea. She's been bartending up there for over a year now and was able to buy her house and whatnot. Yeah, it's much more manual labor. Yeah, it means dealing with people day-in and day-out. But, it's not like a desk job. I won't be stuck getting up at 7am every morning. I can get away with only working 4 days a week and make money. I know how to play to people oh-so-very well (part of being empathic) and I'm at a point where my health is relatively stable enough to handle it.
But I'm terrified.
And, I know it's shallow, but where my sister lives is where I went to school. Same area. So, I'm all afraid of running into people I once knew. I haven't done that down here - getting out of that area was a big thing for me. It's one of those more backwater places where people never leave you know? So, having to go back, put my things in storage, live with my family, and get a waitress job isn't exactly the pinnacle of success. I know that's stupid, but it's kinda how I feel. I'm such a person of expensive tastes that sometimes I get a little too um...snotty I guess. Not that I try to say I'm better then anyone, just that I like nice things. Take my car. She's not the most expensive car out there by far, but when I was shopping to get one, once I saw the Mustang, I knew that was what I wanted. Several dealerships tried to sway me into something else - something more "befitting" a first car loan (yup, it was clunkers before this) - but I was set. I knew that I was not going to settle for anything less. It makes me proud to have that car. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something. It makes me happy to drive it. I guess what it boils down to is yes, I am materialistic in ways. But, I think that's just how things are and I don't think I'm bad for that.
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{got distracted surfing for about an hour}
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Burgandy Tresses
Ok, that's it. Tonight, as soon as I finish and upload this entry, I am going to do it. I am going to get the damn dye and color my hair. I only bought it like 6 months ago. I was too chickenshit to do it before. Now, everything else in my life is upsidedown, what the hell does it matter if I make one more change? The color is only temporary. It's a burgandy/mahogany/deep-red-almost-blackish purple color. I think I may scan some of my hair in (since I lack a digital cam or webcam) to show a before and after color. I'm really eager to share this first with everyone. Yes folks, that's right. I'm a hair color virgin. 24 years and I've never dyed my hair. NOT ONCE. So....this will be an event. I'm so damned bored I need to do something.
Hee hee...what a surprise this is going to be. My Love is coming over tomorrow at lunch to start the serious packing with me. (I really need the help to start). He's so cute, he said he'll come over and make a traditional breakfast for me. (He ususally would cook a nice breakfast at least once a weekend for me) He even showed up this morning with a yummy Atlanta Bread Company turkey and cheese sandwhich for me. (he's like I know you better then anyone else and I know you don't cook for yourself. Wanted to make sure you didn't starve....you know I still care about you and look after you..." Awww....) Anyway, when he shows up tomorrow, I wonder what he'll think. I've been saying I'm going to do it forever, but I haven't yet 'cause I'm a big scaredy cat. I guess it depends on how it comes out, but....worse comes to worse, I just bought a brand new bottle of shampoo, so if it's hell, I can scrub my head a few times to help get rid of it! =)
Alright then...quickie scan coming up and I'm off. Wish me all luck. I honestly don't know what the hell I'm getting myself into! *lol*
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/21/2001 11:59:07 PM ~
~
