Last night was night two without him here...again, I couldn't get myself into bed before 5am. I just couldn't bear to be in bed, alone, cold, and without his arms to hold me. I'm used to falling asleep on his chest and to not have that nor him in the house at all leaves me so restless and scared.
I don't know what my life is going to be like anymore. The little things, the silly things like my friend Rand, and the two of us going to get breakfast (at like 1pm since I sleep late!) on weekends. Or how we always tend to drift toward common places like Target, BestBuy, etc. Getting together just to watch a new DVD release, or play games. What is my life going to be 20 miles further away from anything and everything I've grown used to these last three years? Moving away, distancing myself from anything I've ever had or been.
I may have this stupid site and a lot of friends online, but damnit! It's just not the same. I have the bare minimum handful of friends in real life. I just don't get along well with people. (mainly because I hate people as a whole). So now, I lose that and them (for they are friends with him as well). Take turns to hang out? Force my friends to choose? (like Rand who's known my Love longer?) Not to mention the fact that I've never NEEDED a lot of friends. I had my best friend in him. So I'm losing not only the love of my life, but my best friend as well. And that hurts.
Who am I going to watch hockey games with? Stupid things that are so meaningless and trivial, but make the whole of my life. The little things that fill my days with something beyond bitterness and anger. The sparkling jewels of a good time that I'm losing. I feel like I've been robbed-vandalized of my most valuable and precious possessions. There's this great sense of being a victim. Of being violated on a very personal level.
And then I think what the end of the month also brings (and I chide myself for thinking selfish thoughts like this admits this hell). After April comes May. And, come May 16th, my birthday. My birthday alone. How raw and painful that is. It's like torture. And I think what cruel and unusual punishment it is that this is happening so close to this date. It's just a day, I know, but it's MY day. My birthday. And I'll be busy crying in my cake. Just some stupid family-only celebration (since there'll be no Love nor friends to attend) How sad and pathetic is that...? I'm used to having a little gathering, an excuse to have a simple, but fun outing or get-together. This year, there's no such thing to look forward to. Don't even get me started on the fact I won't be able to enjoy my rarest of rare treats-a fondue dinner at the Melting Pot. It's that once or twice a year treat that I make a point of incorporating into my birthday. This year, no Love, no wonderful, intimate dinner.
I have to go. I need to get up and away from this computer. I haven't left this chair (his. another thing to both remind me of him and what I am losing as well as remind me how pathetic my situation is in the fact I have no chair to replace it when he takes it back) all day. I haven't eaten and while I still don't want to, I can feel my stomach grumbling in annoyance. My mom told me the other day I looked terribly skinny and asked if I lost weight. At the time I said no, but now, as I look at myself, I see she is right. I am losing weight and I don't have it to spare...
Just tack it onto the list of things that I'm losing...
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/18/2001 04:16:31 PM ~
~
