Let's see....what's new? Well....my lovely little car is still in the shop. Never got a single update...never did they get to look at it today. All the hassle and stress of making and keeping the appointment to get it there and nada. Dammit, shit like that pisses me off. Oh yeah, but my scanner started *sorta* working again (it was completely covering the bed with a yellow and green stripe-now, it's only doing one side. Not enough that I can't work around it) So, I went ahead and scanned a few pics. Thought since I'm talking so much about my car, that I'd go ahead and show you all a pic. It's not that good, but it's the only one I could find. You guys will just have to deal with it. :)
Tried to set my mood thingy to "worn" but there was no worn. So, I suggested it. Don't know if they'll make a worn, but that's how I feel. Here's how I defined that for them: When you've just reached the point where you're spent down to nothing and there's a numb sorta used feel in your body. When the day has been FAR too long and the night isn't getting any better. Work has been done and yet nothing is accomplished. That's worn. That's about how I feel right now.
I keep writing in this thing, hoping that it will make me feel better. And because it seems like I can't do anything else. Like a shark...if I stop, I'll die. So I keep going, because I am too afraid to stop. It's not that I have a whole hell of a lot to say, I just keep on writing anyway...
I ended up taking the offered money from my mom today. Didn't want to but needed to get the phone back on. What else could I do? It's bad enough I'm stuck here without a car, but to leave me without a phone as well would have been too much. Of course, the phone and the car insurance pretty much wiped out what she gave me. Sucks. It's so pathetic being so desperatly, painfully broke...
Gonna move back to the couch for awhile. I'm lonely and maybe if I move to the other room and distract myself with tv for awhile, I'll get numb again. Things hurt too much right now and I'm so aware of how empty and alone I am. I can't even go out to the store-not for anyting, but to just hear people, be around people. Which is so unlike me. I hate people and hate being around them. The fact that I'm longing to go to the store just to be around people again shows you how desperate I feel. This is night four (for those keeping track) and it's only getting worse and worse. My Love keeps saying I need to leave-get out even for a night-so that I'm not here and dwelling on it all. Scary thing is, I think it'd be worse if I were somewhere else. I'd have NONE of my things, my comforts. I don't have the comfort I need-him obviously-but at least I have the computer, my bed, my couch, my cat...stupid little things that make this place (and not my sister's house) home.
Gods, I don't want to move in with her. Nothing against her-I love her dearly, but it's so damned awkward and weird. Not what I want at all. Her house is HER house and she's got very set things she does. Things that are nothing like me. That are opposite of me. We may be sisters, but we are night and day to each other. Literally. And I don't know how I'm going to live in a place that makes me constantly attentive to how she wants it-not how I want it. Don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I feel...
*sigh* Going away now. This time for real dammit...I'm sure I'll be back. (Not that I should, I only have a whole house to pack-my entire life-in a matter of 11 days) No pressure there...
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/19/2001 11:35:32 PM ~
~
