*sigh*
I'm supposed to be packing. I only have to move Saturday and I haven't gotten anything accomplished. I just DON'T want to do this. Move, pack, lose what little control is left in my life. This is going to just suck. There's not a single thing good about it. I'm already having panic attacks about stupid things like making sure I get my mail and that my resumes have the wrong address on them and shit like that. It's like if I don't focus on these chaotic little worries screaming through my head, I'll stop and think about the bigger ones and then I don't know what I'll do.
I can't even begin to express the sweeping range of horror, fear, hurt, and all-around despair I feel lately. It's so consuming. I feel like a caged animal that knows it's going to the slauter and there's nothing it can do but bash it's head against the walls and scream. But, all that rage and mindless struggle is useless. Time still ticks down and I get closer and closer to being forced into a place and a life I don't want any part of. I just want to curl up and die and yet I'm made to go on. Move closer and closer to this sheer death of self. Death of ME. I kick and scream and cry and I still have to do it. How can I do it? How can I surrender myself up to this sacrifice? I can't and so I'm lost in this blind fight to stop it from happening.
I hate being so weak and powerless. I hate having no say in my life. I hate that my life is no longer my own and that my future is beyond whatever choices I might want to make. It's coming along, sweeping me up, delivering me to the butcher regardless of my dreams.
A note for those concerned: The stuff was so nasty last night that I didn't even choke down the whole bottle (single serve bottles like beer or winecoolers, lest someone think I mean a full bottle of liquer) and so I felt no change and had no effect. No fuzzy void or "buzz" even. Nothing but a bad taste in my mouth and a rancidly strong smell of the alcohol in the air from the remaining liquid in the bottle. In short, I am a failure yet in drinking. I wonder if it's a sad thing that I've yet to ever be drunk or that society considers that fact odd. All I know is that I am yet aching with this endless hurt and I just want it to stop.
Who can make this pain go away? Who can take this burden from me? Cover my eyes with this warm darkness and leave me quite and still in silence? It's all I want. I crave not the success or advancement of any "career." I crave not the words for the countless stories I have always wished to write and publish. I crave not monetary comfort nor wealth. Just this ever ellusive and unending darkness. Where this pain does not exist and this mind can find peace in nothingness...
I watched Interview with the Vampire last night and it was said perfect there...but most of all, I longed for a release from the pain of living...
Oh kindess...grant me this one mercy. Where all other pleas have gone unheard...grant this one request. Release me from this pain...
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/24/2001 03:08:54 AM ~
~
