Let's start off Light
We went to the Renn Faire one last time (we had free tickets that we never used and I desperately wanted to go again in search of an item that was already sold *sad*) on Saturday. It was a pretty fun day actually. Weather was hot, there were FAR too many tourists/drunks since it was not only a holiday weekend, but the last weekend before it closed down for the year. For anyone who happened to be at the Bay Area Renaissance Festival on Saturday, April 14th, would have been in for a bit of an odd treat...the 2:45pm show of the Tartooga Twins, got to see my Love and I selected as *the* people to use for their skit. It was their three musketeers skit in which they each (there's three) profess how they were the better Musketeer because of (insert reason here). One of the things they said was romance. I ended up being, um...wooed? sorta...by all three. The third gave me a rose as he spouted poetry. Of course, this is the last thing I needed as my relationship is in tatters. The highlight of it was, however, that I was clever but Scaramooch (the blond of the three) was even more so.
At one point, he says, "She looks like the kind of woman who would kiss at the drop of a hat..." He was wearing a hat, and so promptly tosses it to the ground and makes goofy kissy gestures at me. I laugh and turn to my Love who was wearing a ball cap. I knock it off his head and kiss him. The audience "oohs" because I got what I thought was the last laugh in. Undaunted, he comes running to us, knocks my Love's hat off again and kisses him himself! Ack! Needless to say, he freaked and had to chug more Guinness to kill the effect. The new joke now is that he kissed a guy. To which, of course, he turns bright red and stammers, "No, he kissed ME!"
After that, we didn't stay long. He wasn't feeling good and we didn't really have money anyway. Did get a neat silver ear cuff, but the overly cool angel wings they had the first time we went were of course, gone. I wanted to cry. Been wanting a pair for years now. Just never seem to get them. It sucks because it means yet another Halloween will come and go and I won't have them. (Like I can even seriously think that far ahead right now...)
Now, the not so happy (ok, downright horrible)
It's pretty much official. We've broken up. Of course, it's weird because both of us are sobbing and reaching out to each other more then ever before...emails, phone calls, visits, etc. Last night was the first night that he didn't sleep here. He packed up his clothes and went to a friends (locally) to stay there. He came back over once and said he drove by another two times out of worry for me being here by myself. I was up until after 5am before I finally convinced my body that I needed to get some semblance of sleep. I was so scared last night It was so very, very dark, lonely, and quiet in here. The bed felt like it was massively huge. The shadows loomed and shifted. There was both odd noises and too much silence. I was literally like a child who's afraid of monsters under the bed. I kept having to stop myself from thinking about the fact that I was alone in the apartment. Every noise made me jump. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to ignore the rising panic that I felt; the dread and the mindless terror.
Gods, I'm so not like that normally.
But I felt so very, very vulnerable. Like I was at the mercy of whatever evil would befall me. I was even scared when I was in the shower. Kept thinking of stupid things like "Psycho" It sounds silly now-it's still the middle of the afternoon-but, when you're scared and alone (and you're not used to either), your mind just runs in these horrible circles, flashing images of things that are cruel, frightening, and unstoppable. Things that could happen to you.
+.+.+
from an except of an email discussion we exchanged this afternoon...trying to imagine what I will be doing with my life beyond US is something I not only can't imagine, it's something I don't WANT to imagine. I know that there's something wrong (among modern psychology anyway) with considering someone else to fill in your empty spaces; completing you; making you whole. But that's how you are for me. You fill in all those places within me that are hollow and missing. I need that to be whole. And so to move out of here; to be away from you; to uproot my life and start over is tearing out pieces of myself. I don't know what if anything will be left. Why do you think I cling so damn hard to what I have? Why do you think I need you so badly? Why do you think I sob in-between moments of seeing you?? It's because each time you walk out the door, you rip away another piece of me. I'm too fragmented as it is...
{phone call-you of course}
Silly you. Making me laugh as I'm crying. How do you do that? It's those pieces I miss...like finding happiness in things. YOU give that to me. And I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to try to do it for myself. Because I can't. I'm just not strong enough for this. I'm really not. I can be strong for you. I can help you, comfort you, hold you, but I can't be strong enough for myself. It's always been my weakness...save the world, can't even save myself....
I feel like I should hate you. Like I should just rage against this pain you've brought on. The way my life is no longer mine to control...but I can't. I LOVE YOU. Nothing has changed that, nor the depth of the emotion. All that love without a way to express it or you to receive it...it leaves me hollow on the inside because of it. Dead space where that love is...wherever it filled me, it's numb and burning all at once.
I don't know what to do. I can't even sleep because I don't want another moment to pass and take me further away from you-away from us...
+.+.+
So, this is where I am. Lost and confused. Feeling like everything in my world is falling apart.
*sigh*
The Rest
Worked on my first newsletter in I don't know how long last night. Need to get the people who want it from the forum to sign up...for the moment, it's just the people who have emailed me in the past or signed my guestbook. Turned out pretty good. For some stupid reason though, I can't get it to save properly when I try to post it in an archive for people to view. I'll keep working on it. (the reason that it's being difficult is that it's a nicely laid-out HTML format newsletter but the html is being weird for some reason) If you wanted to subscribe or unsubscribe, just go here
Came to the horrible realization that when I move to my sisters, I will no longer have a cable modem. There is no DSL or Cable modem service there yet. (can you say "backwater?") This means, I need to go out and actually BUY a regular 56K modem, subscribe to a dialup service (any suggestions? Heard Earthlink was good...also have Verizon locally), pay for a second phone line (since she has a computer and will need it for her net time as well), and deal with the S L O W connection times. It will be just impossible for me to maintain anything with any regularity. I'm so used to zipping around, whizzing across the information superhighway in my digital Mustang (hey, I have one in real life, why not online too?), browsing across a dozen pages/sites at once...ugh. This is gonna hurt.
Speaking of cable modem...ugh. Damn thing keeps going out on me. I don't know why. This is the third time today that it just drops. I am on, and then...oops, server not responding. I look down and the little green "cable" light on the modem is blinking (meaning, it's plugged into the coax, but no signal) I don't know if they're having IP problems or what. See, you only get like a four hour lease on the IP address, then it renews. So, if when my four hours is up, if it can't renew, I go out for a few minutes. Today, it's been as much as ten minutes. Weird. Never used to do that. I know it's not the cable itself since the tv's on in the living room and I hear it go without interruption. (Hey, I need the noise in here, so no harassment about wasted power, ok?)
In case anyone's wondering, I've been writing on this entry for the better part of the whole day now. Haven't posted it since I get distracted, forget about, do something else, then come back and add more. It's weird. I should just upload it and get it over with, but there's just all this stupid need to ramble on and on before I call it done. Maybe I'll just go post it now and then start a new one. This will be only a slightly large post, but hell, I'm trying to do anything and everything to keep from thinking about the other stuff in my life. (like the fact this is night two being alone)
I'm out for now I guess. More will come. I have this psychotic need to write.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/17/2001 10:59:20 PM ~
~
