Sitting here, next to me, open as I wince (gods I have NO taste for alcohol) and sip, is a bottle of Jack Daniel's Blackberry Jack "Country Cocktails" I'll have everyone know this is a first for me. I hate the taste of anything alcoholic. I don't drink. Never have. Never made it past a few sips. Tonight, I'm thinking of changing that. I just sit here or I sit on the couch or I sit on my bathroom counter and look in the mirror. And I don't like what I see. I mean, I like the hair color and what not, but that's not what I mean.
I no longer like myself. I no longer like my life. I no longer find any joy, comfort, or hope left in it.
I no longer feel anything except pain, emptiness, and suffering. I no longer know what's real and what's dillusion.
I no longer take comfort in my sensibilities. I no longer tust my thoughts or actions. I no longer find solace in keeping mindlessly busy.
I no longer like myself.
And I don't know what to do about that. So I'm drinking this nasty assed thing - as it's the only non-beer alcohol in the house and no matter what it is, I'll hate it - and wondering what the fuck has become of me. I thought once I had found happiness and that it was a compaion to my days and a base to my nights for all the moments to come. And now, it's not only missing from my life, but leaving me so very very hollow and empty on the inside.
Gods, I haven't cried like this in days. I thought the numbness had taken me into it's blind embrace, but I know now I was fooling myself into not feeling it. But it's still there. It still hurts so bad. And I don't know what to do to make it stop. I want it to stop so bad. I just want the pain to end. I can't take this hurt. This aching knife in my gut. I'm sick with this suffering and I'm sobbing trying to vainly find shallow words to express this pain.
make it stop. please mae it stop. i cant' go on like this i just can't keep hurtng. i don't wnat these things I dont' want this pain, i just want escape and it's not coming...i just don't want to hurt anymore. i have a week now. a week left pretending my life's not over. i move this weekend. no more life. no more love. no more happiness no more friends no more fun. it's like i;m dead, but i know I'm not because it still hurts and it won't stop. it'd be so much better if it were,. then the pain couldn't folow me and i wouldn't have to sit here ALONE and cry to no one.
i just dont care. i don't want to do anything, be anywhere do anything. i just want blissful oblivion. endless warm darkness. just make it stop hurting like this. i am so alone and i can't do it. i can't be here like this hurting. no one knows how bad this is and how desperate i am. i cant be aloen like this i just cant. make it stop make it sto0p make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop amke it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it sopt make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop
please gods just make it stop how can i be this cold? like ice in my veins yet it doesn't numb me.....so cold, make it stop......
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/23/2001 01:58:04 AM ~
~
