Took the car in to the dealership today. (thanks Love for your help and sorry it took so long) Not like I have a job or the money to pay for it, but the brakes/rear axle problem is getting SO bad it's to a point where it's just beyond safe to actually drive the car. Problem is that when I try (and *try* being the operative word here) to stop, once I hit about 35mph, the entire rear end of the car feels like it's going to sheer apart and the steering wheel literally trembles as you try to come to a stop. It's scary, hard to control the car, and obviously a danger to me if I need to make a sudden stop. (namely because I can't). I have no idea what's wrong. Someone said it might be a rear differential problem, or a rear axle problem, but honestly, beyond some creative driving skills, I don't know shit about cars.

Here's what else sucks...I asked my Love to call me this morning to wake me up. We has a noon appointment to drop off the car today and I wanted him to buzz me to make sure I got up. (you all know about how much I've been sleeping and that means that I could just go comma-deep sleep anytime now to try to make up for it.) Well, he tried to call, but apparently the phone is off. I'm not talking, I turned the ringer off, I'm talking, stupid shitty Verizon turned it off. You know, when it was GTE, they were so nice...I could go like three months without paying it and there would be no problem. Now that it's Verizon, they're assholes and because I'm about a month and change behind, they turned me off. Here's why this sucks. Beyond the obvious fact that I now have no phone - which doesn't sound like such a big deal, but trust me it is - I'm now faced with a shitty dilemma. I don't have the cash to pay them, but I need a phone to be reachable for any jobs, but also, if I pay them, I'll have a reconnection fee and I'll be canceling the damn service on the 30th anyway, so who really wants to pay a reconnection fee for less then two weeks?? But, I can't not have a phone. It's one of those things you just kinda need to have.

And speaking of money problems, I'm panicked about the car deal. I need it working (especially if I'm going to be living in Poedunk and having to drive back down here to get a job) but I don't know how long it's going to take or what's wrong with it. My extended warranty has a $50 deductible, but anything more than that and I'm screwed. Also, for the moment, I don't have a rental car because I don't know yet if it's a warranty-covered item. I can't afford the rental car if it's not -let alone the repair or diagnostic costs. (which are anywhere from $70-100 just to determine what's wrong).Diagnostic costs are covered if it's warranty work, but if it's not, then I'll spend the money I have for the deductible on the diagnostic and still not have it fixed. Ugh...!!

My mom keeps trying to give me money to help me out, but I know that she doesn't really have it. And that's just so not fair to take her last savings money because I got laid off. Makes me feel like such worthless shit. It's not bad enough I've got to tuck tail and go back up to live with my family, now I need to take money from them too?? I know that everyone (especially them) say that they're doing it because they love me and want to help, but if you've not been out and independent for years, you don't know how hard it is to find yourself failing. To find yourself suddenly at the mercy of everyone else. I've been putting it off, but I really can't do that anymore...I think I'm going to have to take it and that really hurts. Never thought I'd be out of work again this long...thought when I got the freak-ass layoff that I could bounce right back in with at least a temporary job in the meantime. But nothing. And I have NO money to pay for the things that need to be paid. (let alone the final bills, moving, and setup at my sister's costs)

I am probably going to be mostly offline for awhile when I get to her house...I just can't afford the ISP, modem, and extra phone line right now. Hell, I can't even afford my car payment (which is quickly coming due AGAIN and me without last month's payment yet.) Let's not even get into the fact that tomorrow is my oh-so-very-important follow-up with the hematologist. I'm supposed to be getting a new CBC (complete blood count) and if needed, another iron booster. I know it's needed. I can tell that I've lost too much blood this past month and that my counts are low again. I can feel it. But, I never got the COBRA and I'm already out to them several thousand dollars...not like I can really squeak by another visit/treatment. As it is, they've been calling like every single day for three weeks now trying to find out what's going on with my COBRA, the outstanding debt, and such. I just don't need this. I really don't need this level if shitty stress ontop of my already fucked up life.

My sister's supposed to be coming over today to hang out...I was excited to see her and get out a bit, but now, I just want to curl up and sleep. Forget that anything is happening and shut out the world for awhile.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 4/19/2001 02:16:10 PM ~ ~