What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize

that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

Another day...

Angelique-my baby Mustang
The car had bad (splitting) front brake pads and apparently disastrously bad rotors. They said they simply could no longer be turned and would need to be replaced. Non-warranty, $230. Thing that pissed us off (besides of course the fact that it wasn't warranty) is that less then a year ago-probably about 9 months-we had the brakes done at that same place including the master brake cylinder and pads, and turning the rotors. Now, in this short amount of time, it's gotten so bad that they need to be replaced? What the hell? We were all ready to scream at them and demand something a little better then, "Well, that just happens." While fuming, I got a call. Couldn't get to it, so I let the voicemail snag it. It was from my mom's husband. He called to say not to worry about the car. That he already arranged payment and that the car would be done today {Friday}. He said he's helped out his daughter before and that he doesn't want me to worry about losing the car. This comes not twelve hours after he had my mom call me to find out about how far behind I am on my payments (a month). I couldn't believe it. It was HIS idea and HIS personal money that he was going to give me. What you guys don't understand is that he's not like this. Normally, he's mostly annoying at the best of times. My sister (who's a couple blocks away from their house and therefore sees them more then I do) mentioned he was really being nicer lately-that he was actually being a half-decent man. Needless to say, I guess she wasn't kidding. Anyway, it was very nice of him. I've got my car back and I can actually stop now. It's so nice because that was seriously stressing me and making me not want to drive. It was just too scary to know I just couldn't stop without a mile headstart. Ugh. Oh yeah, thanks to everyone who complimented me on the car. She IS pretty isn't she? I love that car, I really do. She's just so *me*

Listening to Sarah McLachlan
So, if you hadn't noticed, those are lyrics on the side. From her Surfacing Album, called "Do What You Have to Do." It's just what I feel......I have the sense to recognize, but I don't know how to let you go... *sigh* When will I learn that listening to sad songs doesn't help? It's like mandatory, self-imposed punishment. It makes me feel worse, but I can't help it. The fact that for the first time in my life, every one of those sappy "you're-leaving-and-I-don't-want-you-to-go" songs hits so damned close to home, it's like I can't NOT listen to them. I finally get what they're talking about. And I hate it. I rather they just be songs again. Not these damned windows into my soul. =(

Dreams Before Dawn
So, as everyone knows, I'm just not sleeping right or well. Obvious reasons apply. It's just so lonely and empty and quite around here. This will be night five and I'm convinced I'm going to just die. I know that sounds so melodramatic, but I am in such pain inside I don't know what to do. I just constantly have this horrid hollow feeling when I look around and I'm still alone. And it's getting to the point where just being in a hazy denial isn't cutting it anymore. I'm more and more aware of how apart we are.

The only thing that was good was that he'd stop by here on his way to work each morning. He'd drift in like a part of my dream, lay down silently next to me and hold me again. Just those brief and fleeting moments have gotten me through my week. That perfect moment of feeling him, touching him, smelling him, being close and safe with him...it allowed me what rest I got - those few moments giving my mind a moment of comfort in which to fall asleep afterwards peacefully. It sounds like nothing - and it's not like any huge thing to anyone else - but to me, it was heaven. Perfection. That feeling of home...him laying down, letting me rest my head on his chest as I've done everynight for three years, his arm curled around me, holding me, stroking my hair and kissing so very lightly on my forehead...oh gods, I need that. I need something, anything....and now, knowing that tonight he went out with his friends to get away and have fun...that tomorrow, he won't be over in the morning...I don't know what to do. What if I don't see him at all tomorrow? I don't know how to deal with that. I'm crying now just thinking of it and I feel myself struggling to breath...my body just starts trembling and I start hyperventilating...

{walked away...got a drink of water}

At least too, during the week, I can email him at work, or call him. Now, I can't reach him and the sheer need to even hear his voice feels like it's driving me mad...I just LOVE him so much. He is so much apart of me and I am so lost with this hurt of this ending....

I have to go away now. I can't keep typing this...it's making me sick...I'm so cold and tired and lonely...I'm posting this and finding a blanket and staring mindless again at the tv for who knows how many hours again like I did last night. I just can't do anything else...and I can't sleep until I literally drop...unfortunatly, something about being depressed doesn't allow you to drop easily enough...

*sigh & sniffle*

++ps: damn thing wouldn't let me use a table It totally screwed up the font size, color, and face even though I went back and tried to insert it...sorry, I had wanted the song to go alongside the actual post, but it didn't want to cooperate...grrr...ok, instead, I went ahead and added a newly scanned pic from when we went to see Phantom of the Opera at Christmastime. =( don't we look good...?

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 4/21/2001 12:42:23 AM ~ ~