The only good thing about a status quo is that things don't get worse. The bad thing of course, is that they don't get better either.
Job....still no solid leads...a few teaser calls from recruiters, but not enough to give me any real hope or promise. Bills still pile up in towering overdue stacks.
Health....I feel like shit because I'm stressed out and not sleeping, eating, or relaxing...
Love....things are still falling apart. Just so slowly and drawn out that it's a slow and agonizing death. He's all but saying "yes, we're definitely broken up" but, he says it in the little things like mentioning that this is his or that is mine...at the same time, he came home on lunch, laid down on the bed and called me in his puppy-dog-sick-not-feeling-well-boy-voice.... "honeeeey...?" because he wanted me to lay down with him and hold him. How can I keep doing this? Laying there, just touching him, smelling him, holding him...feeling him there, knowing that I don't know for how much longer I'll have that? How can I just go about my day like anything else matters? How can I pretend that the lease is up on April 30th and he's already said that no matter what happens, he doesn't want to renew? What then? I have no friends to turn to, no money for which to live, no job, no {good} credit to even get approved on a lease...What am I going to do? Go live with my mom again? Oh yeah, this is what every self-resepcting grown woman wants to do.
Did I mention she lives in BFE? Like over a half an hour (without traffic) from where I am now? And, from here, most everything is already a good drive away...I can't put myself even further away from any hopes of a job! Her county is useless and pays so much less-just about half-of what you can make in mine or the one just south of me. But, that would mean driving through over 1 1/2 hours of commute one way and I just can't put myself through that.
Did I also mention how scared I am? I know a lot of people tend to think of me as strong and independent, but I'm really a terribly frightened person. I hate being alone more then anything and I get scared of being by myself. Afraid of what might happen, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of someone coming after me...just afraid. Chalk it up to my shitty childhood, but I know I'm a small and petite woman and I know that pretty much anyone can do anything they want to me because they're just bigger and stronger then I am. My 5'5"/108lb body isn't going to stop ANYONE. And I never want to be a victim like that again. One of the things I loved so much when we got together is that he always promised that no matter what, he's protect me. He'd be my "Big Strong Man" and that I'd always be safe with him. Until now, I always have felt safe. It's been so nice...and now, I don't know what to do if that goes away as well...
I'm so scared and so fragile and I hate feeling like nothing I say or do has any consequence on what happens in my life. If he wants it to be over, then there's just nothing I can do to stop that. It's hard not being in control of your own life. Of not knowing where you'll be in a month's time. I never planned on NOT being with him. We have all these long-term and on-going things in our lives and I don't know what they mean anymore. Hell, my birthday is in a month and I can't even tell you if I'll have a place to live or not, let alone if I'll have any plans. We have deposits on a cruise with his family (who I love and who just love me back) for Thanksgiving to Cancun (a first for both of us). We have goals, we have things we've bought or building for us; for our lives together. Now, I don't know what any of that means. And I'm so scared.
Again, just in case I forgot to mention, one of the bills I owe money on is Time Warner. I don't know when I can pay it, so I may just *poof* disappear one day. If so, it's because I lack a cable modem and have no dial-up modem. (another bad thing-you can't get cable modems where my mom lives) I'm sorry if it's sudden, but they are never patient or understanding and I never know when they're going to decide to just up and turn me off.
So...waiting. Waiting for an end I don't want to come. Waiting for an answer I'm almost too afraid to hear. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Afraid to hope, too scared not to.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 4/9/2001 05:04:33 PM ~
~
