Just a VERY brief update...Birthday was really quite and mostly sad. I just went over to my mother's and had dinner and cake. Because it was just my family - no friends or anything - it really made me aware of how lonely I am these days. I also failed to have any sort of friend birthday gathering like I normally do and pretty much all of my friends (with the exclusion of my Love who actually came up for a few minutes on his lunch hour and my friend Rand who's computer I'm using right now) called me the next day or so to give me a "belated" birthday greeting. It was really rather depressing.

My mom had gotten me my cool sunglasses a couple weeks ago and at over $200, that was my only real gift. She got me a cute Garfield mug and Pooh umbrella just to have something to open. My Nanny (maternal grandmother) is moving and so just gave me $25, my sister was working that day and still "owes" me a gift, and everyone else pretty much falls under the same. Kinda sad also since I'm so very destitute and broke that I didn't really have anything cool to unwrap. It would have been nice to stop thinking about all the things I can't get for myself right now and, I don't know, be a little pampered. Aren't you allowed to be pampered on your birthday? :(

I ended the night with a wine cooler and went to bed.

The rest of the week has been completely boring. My stir-craziness is reaching all time level and I'm so desperatly lonely and bored that I think I'm going mad. I HATE being up there so very, very much that it's making everything worse. There's not much (ok, there's really nothing) to be positive about right now and it's hard to find the will to really care. It's like if I care, then I'll just hurt all the more because then I'll really feel all that pain. And I'm so sick of feeling that pain.

Right now I'm basking in the wonder that is a cable modem again...ah....how I've missed it. I'm in such a sub-suburban area that there is literally NO broadband access period available. It's only been launched in the very fringe area on the border of the more southern county I used to live in. I'm no where near the border (by about 20 miles) and so, have no DSL or cable modem service in the area. Hell, they still have all copper lines where I'm at - no fiber optic phone lines yet. And my sister's house is septic not even sewer! Arg! It's an old area and it's not anywhere NEAR joining the 20th century, let alone the 21st. (by the way, when you call Time Warner or Verizon to inquire about Cable Modem or DSL, they say what they've been saying for YEARS - oh, it's in the works, give it another couple months) Yeah right.

Think we're (my friend Rand and I) are going to go see that movie "Shrek" today. Looks funny and I love Mike Myers. He's so witty and hysterical. I could use a laugh right about now. Of course, I feel bad because it means I'm going to make him shell out more money - it's not like I have the $7 for a ticket you know - and despite the fact that he says he doesn't mind (and he probably doesn't - he's a really nice guy that way), I still feel horrible. I just hate feeling like I'm a burden to everyone. I hate having to rely on other people to pay my way. I'm just not used to completly lacking in my own finacial independence. In short, it sucks. (this is, by the way, my catch phrase lately. Everything seems to be summbed up pretty simply by the words: It sucks)

Ah well, spent enough time hogging the computer, should probably get going. Hope everyone is well, miss you all and hope to hear some good news soon - damn do I need it!
until again,
-m

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 5/19/2001 12:57:09 PM ~ ~