Here’s the deal. This guy she’s kinda seeing the last couple months is leaving to go back to Texas on Thursday. This means she wants some quality…erm…‘alone’ time with him before he leaves. Which I can understand. Thing is, I don’t have anywhere else to be if I’m not here. I went out last night just to give her some privacy, but I really couldn’t stay out late tonight. My mom was mad that I was left in the middle – she felt that my sister was making me a fifth wheel. She thinks that I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m a burden or a pain. She was mad because she found it insulting to me. My sister of course, is just used to having her own home and being able to have quality alone time without her little sister in the next room. She wants to ensure it’s not awkward for either of us and besides, it’s only through tomorrow.
Personally, I can see both sides. It’s weird. I mean, I do feel weird about the fact that tonight, I just literally didn’t have any place to go (my mom was heading to bed and my friend was out with another friend of his own) but I also understand that it’s not that outlandish of her to want some privacy. No matter what, it leaves me stuck in the middle though. The good thing about it all of course, is that for the meantime, since he’s leaving on Thursday, this is not a long-term problem. It will resolve itself because he won’t be around for there to be continued frictions. It’s just another nail in the coffin that is my lack of a “home” of my own though. Reminds me that when all is said and done, at the end of the day, I have no place to go back to that’s MINE. It’s such an empty feeling. There’s nothing pleasant about knowing that you don’t have a home beyond the room you are borrowing from your family. It’s not to say that I’m not thankful for my family, but rather that it still leaves a weird hollowness inside when you know you have to be dependant on someone else.
I don’t know. I’m trying not to cause trouble with anyone. Just mind my own business and be quite and as much out of the way as I can be until this can pass. It’s not like me to be hiding behind in the shadows – I’m nothing if not an outspoken woman – but with the sadness and depression already looming so large in my life, it’s not hard to just play wallflower for the time being. Sometimes I just think if I’m silent; if I just don’t speak or voice my problems/thoughts/concerns/fears/troubles/etc. that I won’t be bothering anyone. That I can just slide by with as little disturbance as possible. I just want to be out of the way, I want to be mute and stop interfering with everyone’s lives.
It’s weird. My sister came in the room while I was typing this and I had to minimize it and wait for her to leave before I could continue. She didn’t understand how I can have it published on the web for all to read and yet not be comfortable having her read it now. It’s a lot of things though. Yes, I have it for everyone to read, but to me, that’s different. It’s just a distance between me and the writing of it and the actual reading of it by others. Also, when I write it, it’s a work-in-progress. Until I post it, I’m still sorting out what I have to say, what I’m actually saying, and what it’s about. There’s always more then the first couple of sentences that I type out. There’s purpose – even if I don’t go into it with a specific train of thought, it sorts itself out as it’s written. There’s also the fact that if someone that knows me wants to read it, they generally have to find it on their own. I don’t make a point to actively give the address to people, I just have it there because I need to write it and keep it and in some small way, show it. Validate it. I want it known that I am real, that I have joys and sorrows, that I am a real person. Publishing it online allows me the ability to show a piece of myself and my life without the fear of the crowd. Without the stage fright or performance anxiety. It’s real and unabridged. I really don’t hold back when I write it and yet, it’s more real and more honest because of the fact that I show it to everyone. It’s admitting I’m flawed; that I’m not perfect and yet not being ashamed of that. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but when she mentioned that, I had to address it. (again adding to the fact that I don’t come into this with a script – I never would have thought to touch on this aspect of my life had it not come up.)
Anyway…have a hematologist appointment tomorrow. Makes up for the one I missed at the end of April. Will get some new labs and blood counts and hopefully iron booster. I say hopefully because my doctor is on vacation until the end of the month and I won’t be seeing him until May 29th. I just don’t want to have to wait that long to get a booster (or two or three…) since I don’t know about my chances of continuing my COBRA through June. (it is a massive $189 a month). Seems that if it’s low, they should be able to use standing orders or get the other doctor’s approval to get it done. But, I won’t know until tomorrow.
Speaking of money…I still have LITERALLY none. Nothing. Totally broke. No income now in over a month. The only money I’ve had is what I’ve borrowed from my family or was given by my Love. (who still helps me out because he cares). It’s very shitty being so desperately poor. Making no money, having no income, and just waiting for someone to come to you. I emailed out some resumes yesterday (had to make a hotmail account just to do it), sent my resume to my Love at his work so he could fax some more, and talked to one of my recruiters who submitted my resume for a position right down the road from where I used to live. (which is good since I’m defiantly planning on moving back down that way when I move out on my own) Keep your fingers crossed guys, I really need something! (and soon!)
Well, my sister bought some white Zin and keeps offering me some, so maybe I’ll go try a glass. You guys all know that I’ve been the biggest non-drinker ever until all this happened…now I’ve been trying to overcome my aversion and give into a little numbness. Still can’t seem to abide the taste (bleck) of alcohol itself, but I’m working on it. Not getting drunk, just not being so damned stressed.
Hope all are well. Wish me luck on getting a job SOON since I’m so far behind on my bills it’s not even funny. I’m still officially offline, haven’t been by the forum, and can’t get my email, so please keep that in mind, ok? I’d hate to have hundreds of emails clogging my mail server when (if!) I finally get back online.
G’nite,
-m
PS: My Love….still protective of me… *soft smile* And I love him for it still.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 5/9/2001 01:22:22 AM ~
~
