You know, I had all these plans to write up a lengthy and detailed entry, but I’m really just not feeling like doing much of anything. Another week has come and gone and for the most part, it was as bland and uneventful as the previous. The haze of days all kinda blend one into another and I find myself truly at a loss as to an accurate passage of time. I just sleep sometimes, shower others, drive occasionally and yet none of it is distinct or different. It’s all a matter of moments burring continuously and I wonder if I’ll ever get a sense of balance, comfort, or at least direction ever again. When my goals are things like “take a shower today” or “get gas for the car today” there’s something very wrong. The entire highlight of my week last week is that my Love came over on Friday night to help fix the floppy drive on my computer. (both it and the soundcard ended needing to be replaced) Gods that was hard. He kept saying, “No tears” but all I wanted to do was sob in his strong arms. I miss him so very, very much. My whole life is lacking and empty without him and just holding him again – even for a moment – reminded me of how much I still love him. It was so hard. Gods I miss him…

My final bills keep coming slowly in…got the power one and just about died when I saw it was almost $600. Problem is, we were on this thing called “budget billing.” What happens is you pay the same thing every month no matter how much you actually use. Keeps you from having really high bills in the summer and low ones in the winter (well, that’s how Florida weather is anyway!) Problem is, that for awhile, we were using MORE power then we were paying for and so that amount was being deferred. Lately, we’ve been using LESS then what we were paying, so it was crediting against the deferred balance. Had we had another year or so lease together (in that apt or any other we transferred service to), it wouldn’t have been a problem, we would have managed to get the deferred amount paid off. As it stands though, we didn’t have that time and still had several hundred dollars deferred. And, me still without ANY job leads (not even servers since every restaurant in the area is firing since it’s ‘off season’ now) of course means I have no idea how we’re going to pay it. Problem is that it’s not just under one of our names, it’s under my mother’s husband. He was nice enough to turn it on for us a couple years ago so we wouldn’t have to pay the almost three hundred dollar deposit. (of course, had we paid it then, it wouldn’t be so bad now) This means we have to pay it or it ruins HIS credit, but it’s just impossible. I still have yet to make my car payment for LAST month (let alone this month), we have the car insurance, cable, phone, and any damned fees the complex charge us still to come. (speaking of which, there is apparently a certified – meaning I have to sign for it - letter waiting for me at the post office from the apartment complex) Not to mention pesky day-to-day things like food, gas, or anything. I literally have no money AT ALL in the world and it’s just the worst feeling. If it weren’t for my family, I’d be literally destitute. The gas in my car is from my mom, the few things of food I have (like literally peanut butter and jelly) are because she gave me some cash, the roof over my head and the bed I sleep in is because my sister had a place, the dinner I ate the other day (a yummy Jamaican Top Sirloin from Hops) is the only real meal I had in over a week is because my friend Rand came up on Sunday and made me accept a meal. I’ve lost several pounds already (and at 108lbs to start, I don’t have it to lose) and I’m so tired and miserable all the time. Depression and poverty are hitting me so very hard. Still NO internet for me in any kind of foreseeable future and to put the cherry on my shit cake, it’s my birthday on Wednesday. Happy fucking birthday to me, hu? I hate life right now - FAR more then I can communicate through this keyboard.

The other night, I tossed and turned having nightmare after nightmare. Haven’t had nightmares since I was a girl, but lately, they hunt me down. They torture me with these horrid things I can’t remember when I get up, but still manage to wake me in sweats and panic, literally clawing to get away. I spent all of the other night like that. One after another after another. It was horrible and it left me physically and emotionally exhausted. At the very peek of the terror, I’d suddenly find myself awake, trembling and gasping – sometimes even crying. It was just awful. At least parts of every night have been that way too – no matter how much I try to relax or what, I’m plagued by these horrid dreams. They just don’t give up and they find me and hunt me each night. (that’s how it feels anyways).

Beyond the shit, there’s nothing in my life. I don’t even have the drive to make anything happen – it all seems so pointless. I feel like no matter what I do, it’s all going to just be taken away from me again, so why should I bother? What the hell was I working towards that I have left? Big fat nothing and so I just want to say FUCK IT ALL! I don’t want any of it and damn it all to fucking hell. It’s where I am residing these days anyway, so why not let the remaining tatters follow me there too? I’m sick of everyone telling me things like It will get better and You’re doing so well. It will NEVER get “better.” And I’m not doing well – how could any one say I’m doing well?? My life is a fucking cesspool and I just want to die. I want every minute of every day just to die and make this pain and misery end. Does that sound like “well” to you? FUCK! I am so sick of people giving me this BULLSHIT about how it’s ok and things work out for the best. There’s been NOTHING in my life that’s worked out “for the best” and I’m sick and tired of people thinking their patronizing little words help. They don’t. They fucking make me so angry I want to scream. Don’t they understand I just want to die? Don’t they get it that I want it OVER? Don’t they realize that I just have no hope left and nothing that to me is worth working for?? Don’t they see??

I have to go. My sister will be home soon and I need to get this online now or I won’t be able to. I just want it to fucking end. Why can’t I get what I want ever? I want it over and yet here I am, fucking just enduring like I care. You know what? I don’t. I don’t care about anything. I just hurt FAR too much to feel anything but this misery.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 5/13/2001 08:48:49 PM ~ ~