Was planning on writing a cheerful (for once) post on the details of my Gainesville Adventure, relating the humor and fun of it, as well as the excitement of the job opprotunity...I was also going to yip about how AMAZING it is to have my air conditioning working again, thanks to a friend of my sisters at Precision Toyota in Tampa (a drive, but worth it since he fixed it free). I was also going to comment on the fact that I'm sick of people leaving me feedback chastising me because -and here's the vital part you need to pay close attention to - it's MY journal and I write it for my OWN satisfaction, not to please anyone else. If I'm bitching, then it's because I WANT to bitch and since writing is theraputic to me, fuck you if you don't like it. There's always that lovely x in the corner if you don't want to be here. I'm sure as hell not making you stay...I had all these pre-set things to write about, but now I find myself in this numb and pained place where none of that seems to matter.

Let me backtrack just a bit.

On Saturday, June 9th, I took my cat into the vet. Kush-ka is my baby. He's a Russian Blue (in short, he's all grey), 11 years old, and I can't even begin to tell you all how much he means to me. I had noticed an odd lump, linear in shape, and quite hard to the touch on his left-hand side, almost on his stomach. He had had his vaccine boosters about a week prior, and while the vet mentioned that he may get a small lump from the shot, this was no where near the area and it concerned me. The vet was confused - said it didn't present like anything normal - and suggested that they shave the area and use a needle to draw out some of the blood and cells to send to the pathologist. The vet said he should have back a preliminary result by Wednesday, June 13th and that he'd call me with the results. Thursday, I'm getting ready to leave to go to Gainesville and I had not heard anything, so I called the office. They were closed, but I left a message indicating that I'd be out of town for the next couple of days, but I was still accessable by my cell phone, or that they could contact my mother and tell her what was going on.

The weekend passed and my mother called them to ask if they had anything yet. One of the people in the office said the Dr. was still trying to speak to the pathologist and would get back as soon as possible with us. This afternoon, just a few scant minutes after I arrived here at my friend's house (who lives almost as far away as the place my a/c was fixed today) the vet called me.

Kush-ka has a maligant tumor. In short, its cancer.

The next step is to operate to try to get as much - hopefully all - of the tumor out. This is risky since Kushie is at an age where anethesia is dangerous. Cats past 8 or so should not be put under unless it's critical. I don't know what the risks/odds/cost or anything is yet - I was too much in shock to ask any of that. I called my mom and broke down into sobbing tears though and she said she'd call to find out all the information I couldn't bear to ask....now I don't know if I should call her back or wait until I go over there to find out. I'm so scared, I don't know what to do.

The phone rang a few minutes ago while I was typing this up. It was the HR manager of the company in Gainesville. She was wondering why I hadn't called her. To be honest, I had totally forgotten in light of this news. I told her as much in an abridged fashion and appologized. They really want me to work there and she was trying to present a solution to the problem of move-in costs of an apartment. She thinks they can temporarily house me in an admitedly old mobile home, but one that's literally on the property of the complex. (you have to understand it's in the middle of nowhere) Everything is going almost unbelievably well on that front, and yet I get another wrench in my gears....why is it that you can have good things happen (finally) only to watch it offshadowed by a horrible, horrible thing?

I can't remember a time I felt so helpless and torn. I love my cat SO much and he's always been SO healthy...this whole thing with a cancerous tumor and surgery (as I'm slatted to move away) terrifies me. I feel so damn useless right now. I'm not even excited about moving anymore - now it's like a burden to being here and helping my cat. I think these horrible things like if I leave, will it be the last time I ever see him???? Oh gods, why is it always so damned hard? My poor little cat never did anything to deserve this...it's just not fair......

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 6/18/2001 04:52:51 PM ~ ~