I hate when it's been days and days since a real entry and I still have nothing really to say....There's always something going on, but sometimes it just feels far too mundane to even waste the energy writing about. So, I won't discuss the mundane today.

Things are odd for me right now. Everything is in a state of perpetual almost-motion. That state where things are just waking, just opening, or just starting to grow...the edge of the drop on the roller coaster; the brief second before breaking the water's surface on a dive; or that first, hesitant kiss of a loved one...soft, warm, scary and yet roaring motion all the same. No, it's not that anything really is happening in the day-to-day, but I'm coming to a point where I find myself growing and expanding - finally - like waking from a long, long sleep. I'm gliding down a path towards my self...my personal and spiritual acceptance and enlightenment. I am finally piecing all the clues and warnings together in the physical reality and welcoming the embrace of it's meanings.

I'm finally on the road to where I need to be. Where I'm supposed to go. Where It's meant for me to touch. My life has been spent in a daze of disillusionment and disenchantment. Bowing down under my own struggles and hatred of myself and life in general. Piling on layer after layer of hatred, doubt, and anger. Yes, part of me still knows the sorrow and hostility inherent in this life, but.... I'm starting to understand that it need not be that way. That there's more to it then that. I am here and that means something. To me, to you, to anyone or everyone. It matters not. What does, is that it's a good thing.

Self-acceptance and celebration for not only who and what I am now, but for what I can direct myself to be. It's up to me. It always has been. I just raged against it and such, suffered for my forced blindness.

Life is still hard. Bills still need to be paid. Loves still need to be worked on. Trouble still pokes it's head in my daily dealing, but it does not control me. There are burdens to be carried, but those can be dealt with more and more readily as I continue moving forward. No more stagnating or retreating. I've done that game for two dozen years. Now's the time to grow...to fly...to reach out and learn.

The rest will fall into place.

Life can't beat me down if I rise above it. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes being buried to see that.

*soft smile*

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 7/14/2001 06:52:08 PM ~ ~