Things have been....up and down; in and out; here and there...just those days when you are happy for the good and try your best at trudging through the worst. Had an interview for a Customer Service job that would pay eh....at least more then nothing, and would be secondshift (4pm-12:30am) leaving my days open for REAL interviews, but is very far away...problem is, EVERYTHING is far away. There just are no large companies in the area - there are no real employeers beyond retail. And retail just would take my days away from hope of real employment and would fail to provide enough money for even one car payment after a month's work...in short, it's a matter of being far too little outcome for far too much input.
So, Monday morning 7:30am I had to be about 45 miles away from my sister's house. I was tired (having been up until 3:00am while hanging out with a friend and his friend - more on this later) and slightly lost. Not so much lost as I was confused I should say. I knew where the building was (it was just down the street from where I lived a couple years ago), but I did not know that you had to take another street to get to an access road to get to the building. (you don't go in the front, you go in from the back). So, as I pass the building and head down to the next intersection to turn around, I come to a right-hand yeild. Slow down, stop, car in front of me starts to go. I turn, look, see it's clear for me as well and turn back to accelerate. Guess what? The car in infront of me decided apparently that several cars length was not enough room and they decided to stay. Road were wet from the continuing rain and so hitting my brakes was not enough.
BUMP
I hit her from behind. Now a reminder for those of you who do not see the seriousness of this, let me give you two facts. One, my license expired in May 2000. No, that's not a typo, I mean it expired over a year ago. (why have I not had it renewed? simple. I need glasses and can not pass the vision test thing with both eyes and until I have a couple hundred bucks for an exam and glasses, it remains expired.). Second, sometime in May of this year, my insurance got cancelled. Not for anything interesting...just a lack of money to pay the premium. So, let's put this all together. No license, no insurance, rear-ended accident (which is faulted to the person behind in Florida no matter what). Uh-huh. This was bad.
At this point I was trembling and also late for the interview (and still unsure how to find the damn entrance). The lady I hit was psycho. Wanted to see my license and registration and all sorts of stuff. Of course I couldn't show her the license since it's expired. Showed her the registration instead which has the license number on it...good enough. Problem is that I knew I was screwed for her filing a claim. (which, let me just say right now is a bitterment of it's own since the ONLY thing that happened was some of the black leather of the car's bra scuffed off on her bumper. THAT'S IT. Keep this in mind). So I ask her if there's anyway she could get an estimate and I could pay her out of pocket so that I don't have to suffer an increase in my premium. She says sure. Gets back with me a couple hours later and tells me the whole bumper needs to be replaced and it's $542. Oh fuck.
It's about this point I realize that I just can not deal with one more thing wrong like this in my life. If I can't pay her the $542, she'll try to claim it on insurance that doesn't exist and that will lead to a police report and then my possible arrest for fraud or some such evil thing. Enter the white-knight of my Love who told me not to worry about it and who promptly took over the details...he arranged to borrow the money, called her with the payment arrangements, and generally has taken it all off my shoulders. I know I'm being royally screwed over, but lacking insurance to use as an option (they'd laugh and pay her like $100 for a buff-out) I've got to pay it. If it were not for my Love taking over this for me, I think I would have just lost it...nervous breakdown was definatly hovering in the wings...
So, I ended up being 30 minutes late to the interview, but it went ok as a lame job interview goes...they require pre-employment drug screening (something I normally rage against - hello? I have to PROVE I'm innocent of being a drug user? Doesn't that go against the fundamental right of "Innocent until proven guilty beyond shadow of a reasonable doubt?" Yeah, slightly. Fuckers. I've never done drugs a day in my life and I resent the fact I have to PROVE that or be considered guilty). Anyway...seeing as they made me do the drug screening means that I know they'll be hiring me. Not that I'm excited about it - it's sucky CSR work - but, hey it's money. I should hear something within seven days they said. (takes that long for the results)
Now...for some other things taking up my time...hung out two days this week with my friend Joolo and a friend of his I will simply call the witch. (I respect her privacy and her wish to remain private). It was only the second and third time I've met her and it was both weird and yet sorta fun. The other day (Tuesday), we played several "games" including one in which a person draws an image and tries to "send" it to the others who in turn, must draw it themselves. Did pretty good with the witch herself (seems we're on a similar wavelength or something), and decent overall. Seems I am more of a telepathic receiver then I thought (did not know I could do this at all until now) and it excites me to see if I can develop it further and possibly even into the sending side...) Additionally, she decided to see if I had any psychometry talent. For those who don't know what this is, psychometry is where a person can hold an object and "read" the energies of it to tell about who owned it or what purpose it was used, etc. In my test, she gave me a journal-type book. I was able to get quite a bit - all of it correct - and that was really neat since again, it was not something I had ever tried before, let alone thought I could do. We only got to do it once though since we were interrupted by a minor emergancy. So, jury's out still if it's a true psychometry talent or I just picked up what the witch knew about the book from her... (seeing as I already discovered I was pretty good at reading her directed thoughts). It was fun and I'm glad we went...the other cool thing is that she's a medium herself and this is good since I've never met another in real life and it's the one talent I've tried to surpress but..well..I need to better understand it.
Back to mundane things...sleeping weird, still not eating (no money, no food, no eating) and feeling the burdens of it all very harshly. Taking it out on those around me I've noticed and I don't mean to. It's just that when you have to sit in silence and suffer through it alone so much, that when you are finally around someone, you can't help but have it bubble out...The depression and isolation I feel over knowing I have $5 left to my name and all the silly things I can not buy (and the not-so-silly like water or food) gets so overwhelming that I just cry. On top of it all, I still have to deal with the bitching and hostility of my family...my sister and mother continue to try to run my life by badgering and open insult...things like how "stupid" I am...how it's bad to consider a job that's a commute when I could work so much harder for half the pay locally...trying to force their ideas and views of the world on me when they live in a totally different world then I do...they don't know what it is I do let alone what it means to be me. They exist at a level that I passed as a teenager and so can not see how things have to be done in the work I do...example...while it may work to walk onto a construction site and ask for work, it does not work as such when one is working with executive/senior management of companies. Just not the same. And while I certainly understand the need for something short-term (hense the CSR job I'm trying to get), they fail to accept that interviews ONLY happen during the day...some job at wal-mart will just keep me from getting a job.
*sigh*
Anyway, I'm just spinning circles of converstation I already have said a million times before. Of course, each time was on deaf ears...
Long entry...scratching the surface of my life lately...the hightlights as they were (although I always though highlights were positive points, but mine are equally as negative). Perhaps I can post again a more cohesive entry within the next couple of days...the only reason this is being posted at all is for the kindness of using Joolo's pc and internet account. Have I mentioned lately how much I miss being online? *humpf*
This time for real...I'm going to close. Babbling anyway. More as I can...take care...
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 7/26/2001 04:02:41 AM ~
~
