*sighs*
Ok, let's backtrack and overview the recent events and I'll tell you why I had to pass on the opportunity afterall (even though I didn't want to)...
The Past
Ok, everyone knows that I was laid off my job in mid-April. This was after getting over my anemia and having had a long string of bad job retention due to poor health. So, I was poor and only barely making it at the time. The perk here was that I was living with my Love and at least had his physical, emotional, and material help to support me. But...our lease ended on April 30th and I was left without a job, without my Love, and without a place to live. Moved over 30 miles away to stay with my sister and set about entering a deep blue funk.
After some funk time, I went about looking for a job. As you may have noticed, the economy is on the downslide and right now, most places are laying off, not hiring. Meanwhile, my monthly bills kept piling up as well as the final bills/costs from the apartment. I also was still in the process of completing the last of my treatment for my anemia (getting blood work and follow up labs to ensure that the pluses were going to "stick") and needed to pay almost $200/month to keep my health insurance active. So, I had to turn to borrowing money from family, friends, and pretty much everyone I knew just to get the barest minimum of things kept up with. But, I wasn't truly staying out of the red and I actually kept sliding further south since I was "robbing Peter to pay Paul" as they say.
Additionally, many of the bills coming due were ones that were left over from the apt as I said, but not in my name. I had some credit issues from a few years back and therefore had all the utilities in someone else's name (such as the phone in my mother's and the power in my step father's). This is the key. The common misconception is that my debts are all credit-card based and therefore, something like debt management would help. Nope. (The only bill that's a "loan" is my car payment and I can't do anything but try to pay it as best I can.) Which means, I can't just NOT pay them or do anything to alleviate them short of paying them! To date, I am almost three payments behind on my car (owing May, June, and shortly July) which leaves me just barely ahead of repossession (at three, they consider me defaulted), still owing back moneys that I borrowed to keep from defaulting to this point, to keep my medical insurance (but not my car insurance!) active to cover the bills, to pay for gas, food, and all those necessities of life. But, I've not paid back any of those bills in other people's names (helping ruin their credit ontop of my own), nor my current bills (pesky things like those car payments, car insurance, and such), nor most of those "necessities of life" like food. I've been so poor that shampoo has been a luxury. Were it not for my mom and my friends feeling bad and feeding me at least once or twice a week, I'd have starved to death by now. (and considering I'm tiny - was about 113lbs at the start of this - and am now about 102, it's not an exaggeration).
Then I get this call for a company in Tampa. My first interview was May 15th. I remember the specifics since it was the day before my birthday. The interviewing process went on for over a month and ended up with a negative return. (meanwhile, very few other calls came in and NO interviews). They mentioned something about having another office that might need me, and I expected that was that.
The Present
I got a call about a week later to come up for an in-person interview in Gainesville. Figured why not? They'd pay my room and board for the trip, plus mileage. What did I have to lose? Things went well and they loved me. Told me that it was VERY cheap to live there and that I should think about it over the weekend and they'd call Monday. In the end, yes they offered me the job - at a tolerable pay rate (based on the "lower cost of living") but still one that was a $2K/year drop from my last temp job and a $5K/year drop from my last permanent position! - and I accepted. My cat got diagnosed that same time with the malignant tumor and I ended up getting up there the following week after the surgery. (which was another $800 that I borrowed half and am supposed to make the first of three payments of $121 on July 22nd for the other half)
At first, it was good. A brief scan of the paper and online ads showed TONS of apartments at about $300-400/month. The bad thing was that I didn't know until I really spent time there exploring the realities of the area, that those places were dorms and/or other student-only living. I'm no student and besides, I refuse to live in that kind of chaotic (and unsafe!) environment and therefore sought out the more "professional" or "family" communities that I've always lived in. To my surprise, it turned out they were more then double the cost of the dorms! AND, were as much as $250 more a month then what I was paying before! It was in no way cheaper to live there! It was MUCH more money!
Now, I was faced with the staggering realization that in order to move, I'd need to take a second job just to pay the NEW bills - monthly costs I don't have right now like rent, electric, water, etc. My single income was not enough to cover those costs and (here's the key) would never allow me to catch up on the over three thousand I am already back!
I tried to continue moving forward with the move away (for about three days) ignoring the facts, but realized as I faced more and more fees to even get started, that I just did not have the money to do it. I ran the logical, rational numbers over and over in my head, looking for something - anything! - that would make it work. In the end, I realized there was nothing that I could do. But I was so torn! Here was this great company who was really cool, willing to be really accommodating, and that was offering a really great (besides pay) opportunity. Damn if I didn't want to make it work!!
So. We are at July 3rd. I spent the whole day in tears as I gave up my self denial and truly accepted that the apartment application I held in my hand was not something I really could (financially) do. The rent alone would be over half my income a month and that's pending they'd even accept me with my credit so in shambles. (can you say "charge-offs?" I knew that you could!) I called pretty much everyone I knew I could talk to (at least could reach for sure at 2pm in the afternoon) and explained it out, begging for them to point out something I had missed. No one could. Everyone comforted me and agreed that my hands truly were tied. I gathered my things and finished my day, snagging my boss at the last minute to explain to him what I had come to realize.
He would not take no for an answer. He asked me to please not make any rush decisions. To enjoy the 4th, go home (as was my plan), and we'd talk with HR on Thursday. He all but made me promise to be there in the morning when he arrived. Dismayed and still panicked I was making the wrong decision, I agreed
I drove home that night with a full head. Nothing seemed sure anymore. I was having second doubts and was clinging to the hope that "something" could be worked out. I knew though, logically that the only way I could afford the move would be if I could continue to live free of new expenses for at least two months. (to dedicate all my money to catching up so I could afford to tack on new bills). In my heart though, I wanted it to work so badly that I allowed myself to be fooled that it would all just be ok.
Spent the whole time fluctuating between staying (and cutting my loses - I had just enough money left to me to either make it there and back on gas and nothing else) or giving it that final shot to see if anything could be done. I knew the odds were so low - afterall, it's not like companies pay for people's living for months on end all the time - but I still wanted to hope. It was not until almost 10pm July 4th that I made up my mind to "do the right thing" and at least go back up. They had been so kind and I felt I owed them nothing short of the moral high ground. I owed it to them to at least finalize what was to come (be it stay or be it go) in person. I also selfishly though that I would get another day's pay at least and it would help offset the costs of the constant trips. Facing a 2 1/2 hour drive and the gas tank eating my money for probably nothing, I left.
Got into Gainesville at about 12:40am. Found out that the hotel they moved me to closed at 11pm. Long and short of it was it was well after 1:30am before I checked in and was settled. Did not even sleep until 4:30am and then fitfully.
Alarm went off and I had a horrible headache, so knowing it probably didn't matter anyway, I called in and left a message for my boss saying I'd be late due to the lateness of my checking in. (blaming it on car trouble, not my indecision to even make the drive). Got in about 11am (instead of 9am) and he called me in almost immediately. Found myself trembling, wondering why I came back, just KNOWING that it wouldn't matter.
He asked what I had thought about and admitted to being surprised to see me. He had thought I was gone for good. (to be honest, so had I!) Went and saw the HR lady directly after. See, I had gone back clinging to his words from Tuesday, "I don't know what we can do, but let's see if we can on Thursday." When I saw her, the set of her face, the feel from her body and the way she briskly asked me what was wrong, I knew there was no such final offer of trying to make it work. It was all formalities to me leaving. She listened impatiently, dismissed outright the suggestion I made of working in the Tampa office temporarily to save money to move. Then she told me in a voice of ice that, "{I} should just go home then." I was heartbroken and barely heard her as she told me to leave now, check out of the hotel and that that was that.
Numbly, I left. Drove back again the way I had just come not 12 hours before.
Knowing I could not face showing up at my sister's house and hearing those evil words she'd say (it was stupid to even try....what a failure...what a waste...stupid idea to begin with...I knew it was a bad idea...) I came to a friend's in Tampa where I type this now. After this posts, I head back to try to explain to my mother what I've laid out here, hoping to show her that it was not stupid, that I am not a failure (though I feel one), and that I did everything I could to do what was right. Then I crawl back to her house again.
The Future
I'm left with the need for immediate cash and no time to again peruse full time a full time job. Sunday will bring me the classifieds and the decision of which telemarketer and/or restaurant I'm going to be working for in the meanwhile. Yes, I will eventually get back on the wagon and try my hand on the Fate of REAL employment, but right now I lack the luxury of time. I spent far too much money on gas and the occasion fast food in the Gainesville Adventure, and now must suffer the penalties of a bad choice.
But. I do not think the chance was a wrong one. Nor do I think I was foolish for trying to make it work. I truly believe that sometimes in life you have to gamble and by it's very definition, there is no guarantee of winning when you take risk. I come out of it with more knowledge and a better understanding of what I need to do in the here and now (not the maybe or hoping).
More then anything, I'm learning that it's ok to not be perfect. That mistakes are only failures when you don't learn from them.
Beyond
Whew. Well, there's more going on (including updates in status with Kush-ka) but I have already been typing this for over an hour and I need to get going. Thanks for your thoughts everyone, feel free to keep them coming, but I hope now at least it makes a little more sense why things turned out the way they did.
Until again...
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 7/6/2001 08:37:42 PM ~
~
