I’ve been thinking how I could have a new chance up here. A new life, a new person, a new ideal. That who and what I was would be fresh – what I wanted people to think and know, not what everyone already thought. I’ve been thinking that this provided me a chance to expand and grow; to be someone I’ve never been.
And all of that’s probably true, but today I realized there’s something else I need. To first get through with who I already am…
See, there’s all these things looming over my head. Thousands of dollars in debts, unpaid bills, and outstanding collections. Emotions, perceptions, and expectations by those who know me know (or at least think they do). Demands on my time, my thoughts, and what I needed to do to fit into my hole as others have pegged me. And by leaving, I wanted to run away from all of that. All those people, places, and demands I was not living up to.
But you can’t run from yourself.
And I’ve realized that by digging the hole of my problems deeper, instead of reaching the mountain top, I’ve simply made a bigger hole. I can’t keep running blind, gambling away the days, hoping for a big payoff. There’s no quick fix and no simple cure-all solution. Today I realized that there are some odds too risky to take and some obstacles that can’t be overcome with luck alone.
In short, I’m ending my Gainesville Adventure.
Not for emotional reasons – though there’s enough on both sides of the coin, both positive and negative to stay – but for pure and undiluted fact. Fact is, I have a lot I still need to do. A lot I need to assume responsibility for. A lot which needs me here and now, not later and maybe. I can’t run from my obligations and I can’t hide from my debts. I realized today that there’s a point in which you have to cut your losses and tuck tail for the greater (and more long term) good.
So, this will be my last entry from here. This desk, this company, this city I sought to call home. It’s been a thrill – a roller coaster ending far too short – but one which I hope properly conveys not the failure of these actions, but the lessons gleamed and the knowledge gained. I may not come out of this with much in tangible goods, but I come out with a grain of wisdom and the understanding that even the best solutions are not always perfect. That with life come an acceptable level of mistakes and that it’s ok to not be perfect.
The right thing to do can be the hardest, but learning from it, and moving forward for tomorrow makes it perfect.
[out]
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 7/3/2001 03:20:56 PM ~
~
