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8/17/01 @ 8:31am
Start of this week, I was doing my Orientation for the customer service job I grudgingly accepted. I had gone on the interview way back on July 24th. The process was so slow that I didn’t even go in to fill out my paperwork until August 9th! A seven day wait for drug test results, then another 9 days before starting paperwork. After that, my Orientation did not even start until the 13th with the first day of actual training finally beginning August 14th!! That’s a long time to wait around for an $8.00/hr customer service job.
So, Monday was the Orientation - 8 full hours (from 8am - 5pm) of crap. Videos, PowerPoint presentations, and more papers and handouts then I could even count. (and I mean about 2 pounds worth!) The plus is that it’s finally a paid day - the 2 ½ hours of paperwork from the 9th was on my time - and they did feed us. The downside is that we had to come back Tuesday for the actual training from 4pm - 12:30am. That is a damned hard schedule. I never would have thought so, but you really get no time of your own. The place was a 70-mile round trip (all city driving, no highway route) so I had to leave at 2:45pm to ensure I’d be there by 4pm. Wake up at about noon-12:30pm, get showered, dressed, and maybe grab something quick to eat, then leave. Be on the road for over an hour, then be at training for 8 ½ hours (30 minutes for “lunch”). Get off at 12:30am, return drive home, get in about 1:45am. Get changed, maybe snack - no time for an actual dinner - and try to unwind and maybe sleep by 3:30am or so. Arg. Really crappy schedule. So…did first day of training Tuesday, learned how out of place I was there right away. The people in my class were all excited about the customer service position - it was really “in-depth” for them. What was weird is that these people were not just all young and inexperienced in the work force. They were of all ages and previous backgrounds, and yet all of them seemed really excited about the extend of the opportunity. I wonder if I am just jaded, or of a different mindset - or both. There is no doubt that the company offered a lot of small services that are “perks” but no matter what, we’re still just talking about answering phones. Big Whoop. I might have been more excited had it paid more then $16,000/year. Sorry, I don’t get thrilled for meager wages…bleh.
So, I’m getting ready on Wednesday and I get a call from a recruiter (despite having taken the CSR position, I was very actively still looking for what I would consider a real paycheck). She tells me there is a position locally - about only 6 miles from my sister’s house - which is just a Receptionist, but will pay $9.50/hr. (If you remember, the CSR job is 70 mile roundtrip and pays $8/hr) The downside is that it’s temporary - only 3 weeks. But it’s absolutely guaranteed for those three weeks. I tell her I will call her right back…this is big. Will save me SO much money in gas, will pay more, and most importantly, will give me a check next Friday. See, one of the other problems of the CSR was that there was no paycheck until August 31st! The position was set to start the next day - Thursday the 16th - and, after quickly weighing the options, I called the CSR company and told them I had been offered something else and that I would not be returning for my training. (I of course got voicemail and left a rambling message). I had considered going in that night anyway, but realized that would mean being there until 12:30am and having to get up and be in the other at 8am. Bleck, that just wouldn’t have worked. So, I went and hung out with my friend Joolo instead. (wanted to get out of the house anyway and gave me some “fun” time without having to worry about work crap). Ended up not getting home ‘til 3am (but that is another story).
That same day, Wednesday, my Love was set to start a second job to not only get caught up, but maybe even work on saving some money for the future. He applied and accepted at Books-a-Million having worked years ago at B. Dalton’s and loving being in a bookstore. He went in and they immediately told him he would have to shave his goatee off. No facial hair allowed, period. (just stupid, it looks 1000x better with then without) Then they tell him to vacuum the store - but it does not actually vacuum, it blow the junk back out - and he is left trying to clean the carpet with a broom and dustpan. He is next assigned to wash the outside windows and then get to the public bathrooms.
Here’s where it gets really gross. They say to make sure to gather up all the porn mags and make sure there’s no…well, you get where this is going. Seems that everyday, men grab the magazines and take them into the bathroom and “jack off.” That was about enough. He told them that he is 31 year old. That he will clean his own bathroom, but he was not hired as a janitor and that is an unacceptable request. Everything they wanted him to do should have been handled by a housekeeper/cleaning service - he had not done anything one normally thinks of: registers, book stocking, etc. That was what he signed up for - not for all cleaning duty. I don’t blame him for not going back - when working from 8am-5pm full time, then 5:30pm-12am, you need to have at least some interest in what you’re doing! Oh yeah, it was $6.00/hr. No thanks is right. So, he’s looking for something a little less janitorial-in-retail-clothing.
This brings us to Thursday morning. Ugh. That alarm at 7am came WAY too early. I only got 3 ½ hours sleep - like I said, long story - but, one easily explained by stating that anyone who harms themselves by cutting themselves (self mutilation) needs to seek Professional Help. It IS wrong and if you do it, don’t defend it, put that energy into stopping it. Anyway…
The position is at a {mental} Health Care Institute. They do both Inpatient and out patient services/counseling/rehab/drug-alcohol, detox, etc. Means that there are some weird people roaming about. There’s been a few odd phone calls and a few odd visitors, but all-in-all, it’s not as scary as I had expected. Some of the people are very “loud” and you can just feel something’s really wrong or off with them, but if nothing else, it’s a good practice in learning to better filter out what I always “hear.” It’s definitely different experience though since it’s very noticeable when there’s a patient around - the “regulars” are here everyday in day therapy because they can not function in the “real” world properly. Just weird…weird, wild stuff. ;)
So, it’s now Friday the 17th and I’ve managed to kill almost two hours writing this. What sucks is knowing I’ll have to retype this all out if I want to add it to my blogger. If I don’t add it, then I pretty much lose it. All these hand written things wind up everywhere and anywhere and I have no formal way of keeping them together. It’s like lost pieces of my life - fragments where I did not preserve the words.
Words have to be preserved in my mind. Maybe it’s the writer in me, but my life gains validation, reality, history through writing and recording it. Saving it as then, not as time changes it later, is vital to me. It’s why I write my Journal…it’s a memory that never fades, never forgets, and most importantly, never changes or glosses over unpleasant events. They remain pure and honest. Only by retaining those honest recordings can I learn from them. Facing one’s failures or bad choices can help lead to better choices in the future. Hee hee…that’s my words of wisdom for today. (see? Another perk to writing - I can get all insightful and philosophical here!) :)
Well, I’m taking a break from writing this and closing out this entry for now…who knows when I’ll get to type it up - let alone when I can get it online. Sigh…
Oh well, out for now. (end 10:49am)
8/20/01 8:04am
*sigh* Yet again, last night my family’s “arrogant ignorance” (kudos to Joolo) strikes again. I am perpetually forced to deal with their stupid, ignorant, angry words and petty arguments on how they believe I should run my life. It started from an innocent conversation earlier with my mom. She called to see what had been going on this weekend since - oh the horrors! - she had been unable to reach me for 2 days. I told her how sick I was in great detail (for I’m having horrible complications from coming off [against my will] the Pill) and that I was only just then - Sunday, late afternoon - feeling even slightly better. She offhand asks if I’m still set to move Sept. 1st. I mention that I’m not sure because my Love just found out that the AIM convention he volunteered to help out at was that weekend. I said I have to find out more, the move MAY be postponed to the following weekend.
So, when I walk in the door at about 11:30pm last night, my mom calls like 2 minutes later. She is never up this late and I pick up the phone innocently enough. She starts screaming at me that my Love needs to cancel his volunteering (don’t you know that’s something you only do when you’re rich? Yes, she actually said that). She goes on that he’ll be spending too much money on gas, food, motel that he should not be spending when she’s stuck paying his bills. That he needs to get his priorities in order. Let me fill you in on what she’s going crazy about: $181 for the Power bill that’s not due until 9/1/01. I told her that his business and life is NONE of her business and that his actions and plans do NOT involve her. She keeps screaming that he is just not “allowed” to do this. She then screams, “Have you told your sister yet about this?” Ok, I just walked in the door. I was immediately attacked and I only found out THAT day…no, I hadn’t told her yet because #1 I haven’t had a chance and #2 I don’t even know the details 100% yet. When exactly did I now affront my sister by not telling her? Well, this basically continues in this horrible loop where my mother is so sure she is perfectly right and therefore will listen to nothing I say, so I tell her that this is pointless and that I’m going. She of source doesn’t want to stop screaming so I end up hanging up on her. She of course calls back, but I refuse to hear it again, so won’t answer.
~took a break from writing - 9:25am~
I go in my room and stay there for awhile - about 15 minutes. By this time, it’s almost midnight and I really just wanted to take a shower and get to bed. (I do after all, need to wake up at 7am for my 8am start time) I gather my things - clothes, towels, etc. - and quickly dash into the bathroom. I take my shower, get ready for bed and try to just right back into the room. No such luck. My sister is on the couch, waiting for me to exit. “We need to talk,” she says. I don’t want to talk I tell her - because I just really don’t - and she yells at me to listen to her! She gets up and charges me so I won’t go in my room. She gets right in my face and begins to scream at me - full on, in my face. She tells me how I’m a “worthless, selfish bitch” and a slew of similar vulgarities. She tells me she’s sick of how immature I am and how basically since this is her house, I have to be her slave. Anything and everything she says and does must be immediately duplicated by me to perfection or I am a “child.” She fails to understand that I am still my own person with my own life and my own lifestyle. And just because I do things differently and live a different type of life (one she can NOT understand) does not make me any less then she. She has also decided that she knows everything in and of my life by “observing” it (even though she admits that I am rarely there). She already knows everything and therefore, anything I say in rebuttal is just an “excuse.”
11:03am
My family perpetually lives in the past. Whenever they fight with me, they inevitably bring up everything I’ve ever done wrong and remind me how horrible I am for having failed back then. Example: since the Gainesville job didn’t work out, I was just “on vacation.” And since my Dr decided not to renew my Pill and I hadn’t seen him in April when I had insurance {for my annual exam}, that it’s my fault I’m sick now - that I wanted the misery for the “drama” and so I could “whine” to them! Oh yeah, that makes perfect sense. Call me Ms. Masochistic. Arg.
~breaking for lunch - 11:34am~
4:42pm
Ok, so I never finished this…its called, I’m so stressed out I just don’t want to think of it. Joolo says I need to stop letting them win the fights; that when I get as hostile and angry as they are, that I already lose. Its one thing to understand this logically, it’s another to put it in emotional reality. When I am there, in that situation, I get so frustrated and just angry that they have ALWAYS treated me this way and that all this nasty hostility I have inside is from their example. I am broken from how they raised me and I need to relearn a lifetime of bad lessons and how I should interact with the world. I do it poorly now, and after so long - and it being the only thing I know - its hard to do otherwise. That’s not an excuse, but rather an acceptance that I need to move through (and hopefully past) {this}.
Sigh…
So tonight I have to face them. (otherwise my sister says she’s kicking me out). I don’t want to, and to be honest, I’m afraid of just being attacked like I always am. I know that I need to stand up and not allow them to do this, but that stress is still there. Be strong, stand firm, and win this damn fight - the right way… (end 4:59pm)
8/23/01 10:55am
I have SO much typing to do that I’ve been wary of writing more - I know its too much already! :) but, I really enjoy the outlet of my Journal and I want to make sure I continue with it. I just wish I had access to type it in the many empty (boring!) hours of work. All in all, its going well and everyone here is nice. The actual patients are…well, a bit much, but well, that comes with the territory. (I mean if they were all “normal” this wouldn’t be a mental health facility!) I have another two weeks here then who knows? At least at the moment, I’m getting something done and everyone’s complimenting me on how well and quickly I’m doing things. It’s nice to hear positive things for a change. (too long of nothing but negativity and you start to really believe it - or at least, really start doubting yourself).
Oh, they just played the “Superman” song on the radio again - they don’t play it often - and every time I hear it, I remember how much I like it. “I’m only and man in a funny red sheet, looking for special things inside of me…” It’s a good song. If you haven’t heard it, you can here a 15 second clip or so on their website when it loads. (which it does easily believe it or not over a 56k)
Wow, this morning’s thankfully gone quickly - it’s 11:30am already. That means its my lunch time (which stinks because it makes the afternoon SO long!). But, I’m just the temp, so I don’t dictate lunch times. Just a bit too early for my personal tastes, but…eh, c’est la vie. So, I guess that’s it for now. More that I actually want to get caught up on after that. Out for now… (11:32am)
1:38pm
No, I wasn’t gone for two hours, just that things have steeled enough again to give me time to write. Let’s see…work. Well, basically, I’m just answering phones and directing people where they need to get to - and doing the same for the walk-ins. (although thankfully, since I am in the Inpatient section, there’s not a lot of foot traffic. They all go to Outpatient around the other side of the building). Nothing really challenging and there’s literally nothing else they need me to do - no pc here even - so I’ve got a lot of spare time. Phones can get busy - one right after another - but mostly, there’s not much going on. It’s not too bad, but it can definitely get boring! :) (then as I write that, we get someone in who’s screaming! Me and my big mouth! [pen? =)])
3:12pm
A flash of busy (helping get some charts ready and also a flurry of calls/activity!) there…let’s see…My family - well, went the other day from being in process of being kicked out and having both completely attack me, to now where I not only managed to pacify the situation, but to bring it full circle back to good. I’m feeling really good about that. It was a whole new approach for me and I never lost my temper once through it and therefore, never gave them a chance to lose theirs. :) I am just so excited. It was really bad for awhile there…I was thinking I was just screwed. Its good when I really actually work on my shaping of reality - thing just come together so perfectly it’s amazing. Nothing is really completely settled, but nothing’s falling apart right now. Slowly but surely I WILL get my damned life back together. I’m really sick of the way things are now and dammit, I want it over.
Blarg. I really have nothing to write…end for now. (3:53pm)
8/24/01 @ 2:08pm
I am going to make a point to get these entries published this weekend. Far too much to type, but it really needs doing.
8/27/01 @ 10:53am
So much for that entry! Ha! Must have gotten distracted. Ok, as I’m still writing this here now, and the fact that there was no publication this weekend, it does in fact mean that I failed to get these into the computer. Blarg! There is so much within them to catch up on that I can’t just ignore them.
For the moment, let e get this caught up to my current. Thursday, my mom arranged with the Health Dept. to get me in there after hours (normally they close @ 5pm which is when I get off work). If you remember, July 28th saw me coming off the Pill because my Dr. would not give me a refill without my annual exam. Since my insurance ended months ago, there was no way I could do this. And, of course, I am on the Pill not really for just the pregnancy reasons, but to control my otherwise chronic anemia. Still with me? So, it was VITAL to my very health that I get back on them ASAP (having already had my body remind me the weekend before how evil it truly is). I was sitting at work and around 4pm, the other side (Outpatient) calls me and asks if there is anyone here by my name…uh, yeah, that’s me. Turns out it’s my mom telling me I have to come straight over to her work at five. (she works in a different dept. of the Health Dept.) I panic. There isn’t a woman on the planet that actually looks forward to these things and I even less. To be honest, I avoid them. They terrify me. (I had a horrible experience once too that did not help). So I’m now an hour away from this and I start to tremble. Eep! Long story short, heart pounding, I did it. The nurse practitioner was just a sweetheart and really helped me not lose it. The outcome is that - yeah! - I’m back on the Pill! Happy joy. Anything to keep me healthy is worth it - I never want to be that anemic again.
I discovered a new yummy chocolate shake that day also. Locally, the Dunkin Donuts also has a Baskin Robins inside. And they have this drink called a “Blast” that comes in chocolate, coffee, and…um…something else I don’t like. Normally they make it with vanilla ice cream, a chocolate fudge-y syrup, and milk. Topped with whipped cream and cinnamon. And…eh…it’s ok. But, get them to make it with chocolate ice cream instead and DAMN it’s yummy! Sooooo chocolately and rich, it’s just the best. A regular one comes in around $3.00 , but it’s very worth it. Like a chocolate milkshake 10 fold. Yum!
This weekend saw my Love moving from his 2 bedroom apt. (that he shared with a roommate), to a 1 bedroom. He and our friend Rand just about died trying to move a stackable washer/dryer from one 2nd floor apt to another 2nd floor apt. Beyond that, it went well.
1:05pm
(ok, back from lunch) Let’s see…rest of the weekend. Well, Sunday we all saw “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” (check out their review on moviepoopshoot.com *giggles*) And it was damn funny. Crude, raunchy, and full of immature penis and fart jokes, but it was Jay and Silent Bob at their best (worst? :D)
Ooh…I actually have some busy work to do - replace the top sheet of the inpatient evaluation form with a new one. There’s only 60 or so, so it won’t take long [sarcasm] ;) Out for now.
1:55pm
Ok, not too bad. I did them in groups - unstapled a pile all at once, then add the replacement page at once. I find its easier to do things in a group because you get into a rhythm as opposed to doing a sequence of unrelated motions in a cycle. Just my observations anyway! (Man, I can babble!)
My mom and her husband left for a well-earned vacation on Friday morning. They packed up and drove to my birth city in PA. After that, it’s over to New Jersey and then to New York to visit family. Funny thing is that my Nanny (mom’s mother. Yes, that is technically “Grandmother” but she never wanted to be called that and instead “Nanny” stuck) heard from her Saturday. She apparently had no trouble the whole drive, until she got to the city itself in PA. Then she got lost. This is funny because she lived there for the better part of 20 years. It’s just changed so much in the 15 years since we’ve been in Florida that she didn’t {know} up from down. Hee hee, I found that so amusing.
Now my sister and I are stuck trying to manage the feeding of her felines. She has two, plus my cat Kush-ka (who’s finally recovering from his surgery and who we are just waiting and observing for any other signs of additional tumors, although, thank gods, none as of yet.) and all of them are spoiled. They’re not used to my sister and I feeding them at whatever times we can get over there. (she works nights and I’m working days) Sorry, but I have a hard enough time getting up to get in here by 8am, I’m not up to going over to feed the felines before that. Arg. And they are all getting super lonely…no one is their to pet them and give them attention. My cat is the worst off because he is indoor only. (the others come in and out) and is used to being a grey shadow to someone. He sits on your lap anytime you sit and sleeps on your bed when you lay down. I feel so bad that they’re all withdrawn now. They are barely eating and very unresponsive. (And she’s only been gone 3 days now - another 2 weeks left). What a nightmare. I’m not even going to get into the feeding the squirrels, birds, birdbath, pool, or other miscellany things we’re doing. Jeez…how they keep up with all this is beyond me! :)
8/29/01 @ 9:45am
Sick yesterday (called off) and still miserable today. Stomach bug or something. They’re so nice here thought, they’re sending me home. Which is good because I really am miserable, but I was trying to put on a good front. Feel like I’m gonna puke though so time to go home. ~blarg~
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 9/19/2001 02:02:27 PM ~
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