Eep. Court. I am so scared about this. Come 10am, I don’t know what’s going to happen.
It’s so frustrating. I’ve had so much hardship I’ve had to endure just to survive and get myself to this point. Now, when things are finally starting to turn around and I start to honestly believe this freefall I’ve been in may actually come to a halt; that there might be solid earth again under my feet, I face this. This unknown. This fear that might change my life again for the worst. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve struggled so long. And now I don’t even know what will happen beyond tomorrow.
I know it’s wrong, but I lied to my boss and told him I had a doctor’s appointment - a ‘women’s annual’ I said - and that I’d be in as soon as I could after it. I just didn’t want to try to explain about how shitty my life has been and what horrible strain I’ve been living under for so long. Least of all did I want his opinion of me to change. I feared that if he knew I was going to court for an expired driver’s license, that he’d suddenly think of me as some criminal; some person who is untrustworthy and even reconsider the huge amount of promise he sees in me. It’s nice to have someone think of you as unlimited potential and not just a sum of all the mistakes you’ve made in the past. It’s nice to hear he thinks that because it makes me - even for a moment - think it for myself.
So alone and essentially unarmed, I face going to court tomorrow. Joolo has offered to try to get out of work early to come with me, as has his friend the witch, but neither is confirmed nor guaranteed. And, to be honest, I don’t know how much it will help. Seeing as the Judge will do whatever he or she wants to do either way leaves me back to the base fear.
Anyway, I’ve got to get going since I’m being harassed by my Love that if I don’t go, I won’t get back. And, seeing as it’s a nice, cool night again tonight for the first time all season (it’s in the 40’s at night! But just through tonight), he wants to snuggle in and have a cozy evening. (it’s the rare night like this that makes me really miss my fireplace).
Before I close, I ask just one favor. Anyone who reads this, keeps up with my journal, enjoys my words or works, and who can possibly even see beyond these digital words into the honest flesh-and-bone women behind it, do me one thing. Think well for me. Think positive that I will come out unscathed. For I’m having a hard time doing it on my own and maybe, just maybe, with the honest well-wishes of those around me, I might be able to be positive too.
Thanks to everyone and I wish you all well.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 10/28/2001 06:14:23 PM ~
~
