Really bummed out right now. Over at a friend's house (have been here most of the day). Getting crap for being online instead of sitting in the other room with my Love and friend watching them play Magic or some movie I don't even want to see (like High Fidelity). He's all pissed off at me that "the internet is more important" then he or my friend...he fails to understand how I spend day after day, week after week, month after month having to wait on everyone else and do whatever anyone else decides to do first before I can even get a chance to sit down and look through my forum or post a journal entry. How it's been now almost six fucking months of being offline and that I spend my days sitting in an apartment (because I can't leave unless someone drives me), with no one to talk to, nothing to do, no tv even to watch (no cable, so we get about 5 fuzzy channels), and no phone to even chat with people (just my cell phone which is again ready to be turned off since I don't have the money to pay for it and one that I have to pay a premium for day minutes anyway). He wonders why I'm moody and withdrawn and why I rather come in here and lose myself for awhile on the computer. I realize I'm at a point in my life where I'm not really used to being around people anymore. I've been living in a state of weird isolation for one reason or another for almost all of this year. Never having been a overly social person to start with, this doesn't leave me in a good place - either emotionally or psychologically. Right about now, I'm feeling like I'm not even part of the world and that beyond my worth as a person to pay bills to faceless and cruel corporations, I'm useless.

Nevermind. I apparently have to leave because my Love has decided that it's time to go and since I have no life or will of my own in these things (let alone the ability to get myself anywhere anymore) I guess me continuing to write my entry will just have to stop. After all, who fucking cares what the loser without a job wants to do anyway? It's not like I'm worth anything or whatever, so fuck it. Why even bother writing this anyway?

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 10/13/2001 10:31:40 PM ~ ~