Having spent the entire night awake-tossing and turning, mind racing-I was completely unprepared to acknowledge the alarm when it went off at 5:15am. Normally, 6:15am is hell enough, but to have it go off an hour earlier on top of the four hours of non-sleep following a day of migraine hell makes me very annoyed this morning.
The only two perks are that I flew into work-took me all of 25 minutes or so!-and the fact that for the moment, I'm in that so-tired-you're-not-tired mood. I can only hope it lasts until 4pm.
Don't know why I'm updating this to be honest, just habit I guess. I've kinda gotten into the whole maintaining a Journal mode over the last 6 months or so. It's a good record of events and patterns, so I'm keeping up with it for now for my own sake.
My Love's got Poker Night with the boys tonight. Normally, I'd be sad that I'll be spending the whole evening alone at the apt, but tonight, I think I'm looking forward to doing whatever the hell I want-especially if it's nothing at all. No obligations, nothing to do. My huge "pending" list of items for the site is going into storage and I'm going to surf and relax. Stop being nothing more than the figurehead for DDD and start being whomever I want. Why the hell not?
Online or not, awake or asleep, at home or out I'm doing what I want to and it's a damn nice concept. Only took me three years to figure it out.
It's almost 12:30am. I have to be up about 5am because I need to get into work at 7am instead of 8am. See, there's this pesky traffic problem we're having that's going to be hell tomorrow. Hopefully after Sunday, all these damned people will leave and I can have my roads back. (and go back to an hour communte instead of a 1 1/2-2 hour drive for 25 miles)
Reason I'm writing this so late is to let everyone know I'm not going to be around for awhile. I don't know for how long and right about now, I don't care. I just uploaded all of the damn site to the new location- www.drinkdeeplyanddream.gothic-angels.com-and even added some new material so you'd have it at your fingertips. Anything else you may need has probably already been answered 10 times on the forum. Read the site, read the topics. That's the whole damned point. It's why they're there.
As for me, I'm tired. I'm sick of being told I'm not fucking doing enough or being perfect for everyone. Sorry folks, last time I checked I was still just a person. I don't get shit for doing any of this. If you want to make topics that have no point but to tell me I basically suck, fine. Whatever. I'm sick of defending myself from you.
Say whatever the fuck you want. I'm not listening anymore. Think you can make the forum better? Have at it. Stand on your heads if you want, I don't care. I'm not dealing with it anymore. Say whatever you want, let people spout out bullshit that's not true and only muddles the facts, let 13 year olds talk about being vampires, whatever. I tried to make the best of it all but apparently that's not fucking good enough, so I'm done.
Had to come home from work, my migraine this morning was so bad. I was actually crying at my desk in pain. Don't know how I made the drive in let alone the drive home. It's a scary thing when you can't remember the last hour of your life because you've been in a haze of pain...
Got home, laid down, tried deperatly to sleep. Mostly tossed and turned. Awake now and in such pain...oh gods, my head just hurts....I am so tired of these dibilitating headaches.....
Yesterady was a ..b..a...d.. day for me. It was just one of those days I think I am finally going to give in and reliquish my hold on those fragile threads of sanity I normally cling so desperately to. I could actually feel myself slipping...teetering on the edge of that drop. And I just didn't care.
Today isn't as bad, but I am still so deeply depressed. I just don't want any of this damned "life" I endure. I don't want the drive, I don't want the job, I don't want the stress, I don't want the bills, I just don't care. Why can't I just be me and that's enough? Why do I have to be someone else for them?
So, it's Wednesday. Half the week is over, but the other half still looms huge before me. Seems for all this running in circles I do, I should be somewhere by now. Of course, I'm not. I'm not even close. I'm just the runner in the back being shoved and pushed by those who care about the outcome of the race, flagging and straining just to keep breathing. Knowing that just to stop and lay down would be so much more blissful.
Running, running, running...but I just want to stop...
Everyone knows what hell is like. It's that fiery place with the constant flames, constant torture, constant pain. Where lava bubbles up around your ankles and little red demons stab and poke at you incessantly while cackling. It is not just hell, but hell's FIRE that is so feared.
And yet I sit here in a 4x6 foot cubical, blinded by the incessant glare of fluorescent lights, the dusty air conditioning making me sneeze and freeze in one. So very bored, so very unchallenged and so desperately depressed. And I think I am going to scream. Just scream. To yell until my voice cracks. To scream and scream and never stop. Feel the tears pour down my face as I just sob. Pull out my hair and s c r e a m
Oh gods I want to go home. I want to just curl up and sleep. Sleep until I never wake up. Just take the warm darkness and let it fill every pore of my being. Seep into me until there is nothing but the blackness. Until I stop screaming and stop crying and just stop. Just stop.
I can't do this. I just can't do this anymore. None of it. Any of it. I just want it all to end and it never will. It just goes on and on and I can't do it anymore. I just fucking can't. I don't want to and I don't want to even try. I want to walk away from my desk right now. Just stand up and walk away. Just leave. Just go and never come back. I just want to go home and sleep. Just lay down and surrender to that darkness.
I am sick of pretending. Sick of playing games. Sick of hoping for the better when the best is still a walking hell. I hate it all. I hate it and I don't want it anymore. Oh gods, how do I just remain here in my seat? How can I stay and act like nothing is wrong as the minutes tick so slowly. Knowing that I have two and a half hours left?? How can I sit and stare at this screen, how can I just be here and act like I'm not insane with my fear and my sorrow and my hurt?
Make it fucking stop. Make it stop and go away. I can't take it anymore. Gods, I want to scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream .how can I sit and be silent ????????
Just a blurb. It's Tuesday and I'm just tired. Tired on so many levels. Sometimes I wonder what is all about and why I do what I do. Why I dedicate time and energy to seemingly unappreciated or lacking tasks.
From waking up before the sun to driving an hour in hellish traffic to enduring a day filled with monotony and disappointment to facing again the thralls of commuters only to see annoyance, disillusionment, a lack of satisfaction, and a general feeling of apathy.
Why do I bother? I am really starting to wonder what it is that makes me take on this masochistic challenges-knowing I'm going to end upside down on the effort.
I just want to go take a fucking nap and never wake up. Even that small pleasure is denied me though.
Let's start a revolution. Let's make monday's illegal. Bah....
Have I mentioned lately just how much I despise waking up at 6am these days? Because I do and am feeling it hard this morning. Ugh. Friday and Saturday I had migraine-from-hell which I finally was able to lose late, late Sat night. It started to come back Sunday evening and I can still feel it lingering in the back of my head now. I'm just hoping to make it through the day.
Oh yeah...I am not looking forward to the start of another fucking work week. Damn if I hate that shit. I am already over and done with it and I've only been there a month.
Fuck. Another goddamned eleven hour day tomorrow-with two of those hours on the fucking roads from hell...I hate people.
Not you, my loyal members, of course...Just saying.
Just got done watching "Seven"-bought the new two disk dvd set. What a cool but fucked up movie. Wow. I mean really. Jeez.
Reminded me that I love the song "Heart's Filthy Lesson" by David Bowie. (Long live Napster as I listen to it while penning this entry.) I've been in the mood for harder, techno songs lately...odd things though. This one, "Bedtime Stories" (by Madonna-the quote from earlier entry), the new one by Lo Fiedlity Allstars-"Battleflag", Rob Zombie's "More Human Than Human", etc. I'm just loving that techno sound right now.
"...words are useless, especially sentances. They don't stand for anything...how could they explain how I feel..?"
Feeling blah...like there is something I should be doing, but simply lack the desire or will to find out what it is. Finally made my way through most of the forums today...sorry if I may have floundered with my words a bit, I just have been "off" from reality today. (and not in the good way) You know it's not quite well when I'm listening to Tori Amos' "Little Earthquakes" Hrm.
Ah well. Just trying to put the finishing touches on this thing. Ciao.
