You know it's a bad sign when the doctor hears your level of anemia, pauses, blinks a few times and says, "I'll need to call the on-call doctor this weekend to warn him about your lab results." See, thing is, my counts are emergency-level low. He knew, that since it was coming up on the weekend, when the results came back, the office would be closed. When the lab got back counts like that, they'd panic and page the on-call to warn him of emergency patient needs. But, it's not an emergency, it's just the state of my life for the last five years...
If you haven't already guessed, my insurance finally started February 1st and I saw my new Primary Care Physician yesterday for the first time. Guy seems really decent, like he gives a damn that I've been suffering this long with little to no concern from my previous doctors. Thing is though, he said something no one's approached me with since it's original discovery-he wants me to seriously consider a transfusion.
Seems like such a small thing on the outside, but it truly terrifies me. He said anyone under a hemoglobin count of 8, should really get one. My last count was 6.8. It's not been over 7 in a year... (normal, keep in mind, is 12) He says that it's an Outpatient procedure, that with the screenings these days very safe, that-in the short term anyway-it will make me feel better, give my body a chance to rest. But, we're talking several units of blood. Injected into my veins. It's horribly frightening. Thing is, I don't react properly to anything. Never have, doubt I ever will. So I can't help but wonder what several units of other people's blood will do to my system.
I don't know. I'm still trying to find a measure of stability and comfort. To come to terms with myself and my situation. At least, with-for the moment-insurance, I can hope a little for some level of comfort to find it's way to me...
BAH...this is all screwy. So my timecard was for three weeks this time but just found out I don't get three weeks worth of pay to reflect it. It's screwed up. Basically, I get the same, salary hours each 15th and 30th/31st of the month. Any changes from standard (plus or minus) show up on the following check.
So....I got paid the standard salary for the period 1/16-1/31 with the plus or minus from the period 1/1-1/16. Does that make sense? I understand how she explained it, but it still seems like I'm perpetually behind somehow. I basically am salary but get paid 'exception' hours-overtime or negative hours if I take unpaid time off. I get 24 checks that equal to my annual salary, but one check period after, I get a plus/minus from that amount based on hours. In short, I only got 60 hours of pay deposited because I had time missing from LAST pay period. I was expecting not only at least a full 80, but EXTRA hours. I planned the whole budget based on the fact we'd have enough money left over after my check paid rent to survive. This sucks.
Shit. I am sick of this! I'm fucking working!! God dammit! and we still are fucking broke!!! I turn in a time card for 101 hours but get paid for what? 60 hours or some crap like that??? What the fuck is the point if I'm working and we still don't have any fucking money????
Minus rent and it leaves us with a whopping $40 until he gets paid again on February 9th We can't do that! We can't live on $40 for two weeks!! I use more than that in just GAS to get to and from work!!!!!!
I can't take this. I really can't. I haul myself out of bed everyday, exhausted, hurting, miserable, sick and for what?? It's not for this fucking job I HATE or the commute I spend screaming literally at the top of my lungs in frustration until my throat is raw and I am sobbing. What's it for?? So that I can still be broke? That I can still fucking starve because I don't have money for lunches?? That I can just sit in the dark when they turn off my power because I didn't have the cash to pay the bill?? Not to mention the brakes on the car are soooooo bad…oh gods, the entire car tries to shake apart when I stop-pending that I can. It's so dangerous because I spend my whole drive in and home constantly on my brakes. Beyond the fact that it gives me such a headache to have the entire car vibrate like a washing machine on overload, that the steering wheel shudders under my hands and that the car jerks off to one side or the other from the imbalance…forget that we just spent $350 on new tires and we're already ruined the alignment and are now badly wearing the tires, forget the fact that I lose control of the car every time I have to stop, forget all that, but I also can't guarantee I can stop anymore. I can slam the brakes, the car starts shaking apart, and I close my eyes, bracing to hit. It's that bad. And, I was planning on getting that fixed this check. Now, it will be at least another two weeks and at least 500 commuter miles before I can think about it!!!
I AM SO PISSED about this. I can't take coming to this fucking job every damn day for nothing! I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate it. I hate it (you know what I have to do now? Go through the newspaper and cut out these little articles, paste them to paper and mail them to the other offices! what is this kindergarten???)
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. And it's only 9:30am. Tell me again why I don't just get up from my desk and leave? Why I don't just walk away and tell them to kiss my ass?? Not in any better position anyway, so why deal with this shit?!?
Grrr! They have the A/C set-as usual-to "Artic" in here and it sucks!! I am so damned cold! Pants, long sleeved shirt, leather jacket, and I'm still shivering. My nose is cold, my feet are just numb, and my hands ache from the chill. Why do people feel the need to keep it set at like 60 when it's only 70 outside?? ARG!
Is it 5pm yet? Please? If not, can we just collectively rise from our desks, turn off our computers, and pretend it's five? If we all agreed, who would stop us? It'd be a revolution. Oh yeah, I'd love it. Why not? We did it once-to get people fair wages, guaranteed breaks, better benefits, shorter days-so why not know? Why not institute another revolution to make a four day work week? Or, shorten the days to six hours? It's 2001 for crying out loud! Where's my robot servants? My moving escalators? My flying cars? Dammit! Spoil me!! *lol*
Blah. Seriously, I'm just dying for the day to be over. It seems like it's crawling by. Hate days like this. All you do is stare at the monitor, knowing there are things for you to do, but not caring nor wanting to do any of them. When visions of your warm, soft couch call to you and you can just feel yourself bundled up like a little kid by your comforter with your head on your down pillow. You wonder if you can get away with closing your eyes-just for a moment-and nodding off for a few. Then, fearing that you just might even if you weren't planning on it. When you lean back into your chair, slumped, back of your head resting on the chair top, feet propped up on your PC tower, realizing that yes you could doze off that way.
Or maybe it's only me.
Bah. Another two and a half hours. Might as well be two and a half days! Don't even get me started on how it's only Tuesday. There's another rant no one wants to hear. Ugh.
Came home yesterday and collapsed. I had that same, frustrating problems on the way home that I had experienced on the way in-I could feel myself blacking out. It's such a frightening feeling and one I've never experienced before. It scares me so much since I can only take this to mean my body is reaching the breaking point-these problems have gone on far too long and I can't just keep acting like they're not there. I think I'm being forced into that position where I will have no choice but to just stop and I can't do that. I don't have that luxury and I don't know what I am going to do. My insurance finally starts again February 1st and I pre-scheduled an early-morning Friday appointment. I need to figure something out. I can't just fall apart like this…
So, I got home and passed out on the couch. Didn't mean to and I could not wake up for anything. My Love made dinner and I managed to wake up and eat, but immediately was overtaken again by the need to sleep. He finally made me get up-practically carrying me-to go to bed around 11pm. The whole night, I was out. And I am still very tired. It's such a bad sign of my level of energy-or lack thereof-lately.
I think I want to do the same thing tonight-although I'm looking at skipping the couch and going straight to the bed when I get home. I just need more hours sleep than my schedule currently allows for. It's sad. And yet, I am still tired…
What in the world is wrong with me now? I am having a problem of late where I am literally overtaken by a need to close my eyes. I will sit there, in mid action-this morning driving down the road (!), working at my desk, etc.-and I suddenly can't see straight. It's like my eyes are crossing on their own. And an overwhelming need to close my eyes floods my body like warm syrup. I just have to close them. I then feel myself slipping…it's like I'm stuck in this half falling, half floating motion and I can tell I'm losing consciousness. It's like I'm just falling asleep-the same dark heaviness, but quicker and much, much stronger. I have to literally fight to open my eyes, to focus on what I was doing, and to simply stay awake and aware. It's scary because it's so strong and so sudden and I can't control it. It was happening as I drove in today. I'm driving down the Causeway doing 70mph and I feel it swarm up on me. Suddenly, I can't drive the car and I'm drifting away from the reality around me.
Oh gods, it's horrible, but I am not worried or bothered by it in those moments. It's warm and comforting this darkness. It's soft and I just lose my fear and worries. But, on the fringe-the outside edges, I am screaming. I can feel myself clawing at the darkness, trying to hold on to the reality, trying to remain conscious. That rational part is so small and weak though-it could not convince my body to respond on it's own, but-as in this morning's example-I was able to reach over and blast the air conditioning on. The shock of the cold air roused me back and allowed me to regain control of myself. (I was half in the other lane by this point-a scary thought when one realizes that it's a narrow two lanes with a barricade and oncoming traffic on one side, the lane then the water immediately past on the other)
I can't deal with another problem like this. The strain and the annoyance and the stress it's causing on myself and my life. The way my health-or, more appropriately lack thereof-is such a constant struggle makes every aspect hell. From the way I can't bring myself to work (and even when I do, I ache, hurt, and just barely get by), to the way I can't hold a job for any amount of time the last few years (I am always so sick, taking too many days off, and can never get my insurance to try-albeit seemingly futile-to correct these problems), to the way that my Love is equally fed up with the bills, the illness, my lack of interaction and activity, the way I can't get out of bed on the weekends and the way I am always the source of our financial woes. He is frustrated at the lack of fun in our lives-the way we fail to do anything anymore and I admit, I am as well. But, I am too sick to truly try to make it better. It's so daunting, I rather curl up and sleep.
When did I become a stranger to my own self? When did this torrent of physical pain and mental delusion overtake me so that I can't even tell who I am anymore? I am like a marionette-being pulled this way and that, making my way through the motions required of me and nothing more. No thought, no will, no joy, no emotion in these actions. No fun no warmth, no love. Just the mindless path from one to another, ignoring myself and those I love. And it too hurts. Adding to the burdens and pains already threatening to suffocate me. Pushing me back into that liquid darkness, that dreamless sleep.
...the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated..." (leave it to good ole' Mark Twain)
*sigh*
So...today, I spent the day out and about. Walked around the mall, played a couple set of bowling with some friends (and got a record high 96-woo hoo), rented a dvd (by the way, "Art of War" sucks) and just milled about Just doing mostly nothing. It was a good day.
Curiosity got the better of me-I admit it. I peeked in at the forum. There seemed to be a flurry of activity. Didn't get into much, just poked a bit and left. Just couldn't bring myself to jump in. Didn't feel like I had anything to say. It's been that way with everything lately. I'm on the calm side of my recent bi-polar seeming trend. It's where I just don't do anything. Just watch the hours pass as I sit and space out. I haven't slept, ate, spoke, or really done anything in days now. I kinda like it. I like not having a voice or more specific, a need to use it. Probably makes no sense, but I just don't feel like speaking.
Until I do, I'm just going through the motions. Watching the days pass. I figure I'll stablize again eventually-I always do-and since I'm not overly worried about anything right now, I'm content to let it happen as it happens. I rather be like this than the other side of the coin. I hate the rage side; the fire side; the side that screams and bashes its head into the wall in frustration...
Gods, it sounds so crazy to write these words and I wonder again-as I always have-at what point a person truly does "lose it." At what point, they have crossed that line and entered into insanity. And yet, I know there is little chance of my dealing with these shifts in any "standard" way...afterall, how does one explain the base level of the needs and feelings that are unique to non-humans? You can't honestly get anywhere if you can't be honest and you certainly can't be honest with a standard therapist. Ironic then, that those who probably have the most to deal with-on the most levels too-and could use the aid of a councler with whom to speak, those people are trapped in a world of silence. Horrid the way life is so cruel sometimes. Perhaps there need to be more empathic therapists. More "otherkin" who dedicate themselves in a professional manner to helping others. But how would you ever get the right clientle? It's not like you'd put "Specicalizing in Vampires, Angels, Demons, Faeries, and Were" in your Yellow Page Ad...it is a neat thought though...
Ah well. Almost 2:30am. I'm cold and tired (although I slept until almost 1pm today for a change) and I think I am just aimlessly babbling at this point. What else is new? Somethings just never change I guess.
