Quickie note: I have just under a million things to get accomplished today including car inspection, hair cut, shopping, my Love's dad's birthday party, etc. So...I won't be around until much later tonight. (like late night!)
Too soon for any hope, but at least perhaps a chance to stop running myself ragged has maybe arrived. As everyone knows by now, my job is over 25 miles away. It means I drive over two hours a day and am gone for eleven plus hours a day. It's hard to start with and harder still because we have the one car and because (of course) it's a strain on my over-taxed system. It's damn hard to function for that many consecutive hours for me. I just can't do it so well.
So, this morning I get in practically record early for me-like 8:05am. (Keep in mind that also I have to huff it three blocks from my garage to my building-immediately adding another ten or so minutes to my complete travel time.) I got in the lobby just as three other of my team was arriving. We rode up and walked in to a loud and resounding, "LATE!" as we walked past the others. So, this prompts Shannon (not my direct boss, but sorta like the overseeing boss of the whole) to ask if I have a minute. (I love the way they ask-as if I actually have an option. "Why no, Shannon, I don't have time right now. Reschedule with my secretary. I can fit you in probably the middle of next week.") Anyway...she of course wants to talk about tardiness and absences. Tardiness because of my inability to move my body in the morning to get out of bed, the need to get my Love into work, and the psycho traffic that is sometimes tolerable and sometimes hell. (of course, doctor's appointments fall into that category also, but they are scheduled) Absences of course for my illness, migraines, and assorted. She's trying to act all helpful and find out what kind of solution we have. ("Can't you just leave earlier?" Hell no, I already have to wake up at 6am and my poor Love already has to sit at his job for an hour before he even starts.) It's just not that easy. It's any number of factors.
So, we continue talking. I tell her all about how tight things are, how hard, and how limited our options are. How we are trying, but it's difficult. (we are behind still on all our bills, we both have horrid credit, and we don't have a lot of money to use as a down payment-income tax return cash-and no co-signers.) These kinds of factors limit things! She says she thinks that this job is just too far away. She says she feels like she's making things worse for me. She says it's too hard for me to get to the doctor and get better (which it is) when the doctor and job are an hour drive apart. She says that for anyone else, she would have let the person go already, but she doesn't want to contribute to my sickness. She says she appreciates the situation and knows I have needs too (namely a paycheck and insurance). She says that she can find no fault in my work performance (ironic since I don't give anywhere near 100% here-there's much more I could do) and that my work is excellent. But, she says we need to do something.
At this point, I get worried. A little panicked even. But what she says surprises me. She said for us to try to contact Ivy (my recruiter-who actually works for my company and who got me this job) and see what we can do. Her suggestion? Try to find me another job closer to my house where I can get my insurance from the start, but (and here's the wow part!) allow me to continue working here in the meantime. Basically, from what she said (and gods I hope it's true), they'll be flexible enough to allow me to pursue options elsewhere but allow me to hold this job until I find something closer to home.
I hope it works. Oh gods, I hope it works. Feels like I have a grain of hope for the first time in forever. I spoke briefly with Ivy this morning and she wants me to call her tonight to fill her in. Maybe, just maybe, we can come out of this win-win. Keep your fingers crossed. Anything to help at least some of my situation improve is much needed.
Just this little thread in the Castle it reminds me how much I ache to write. I wish I had the time to actually release these stories from my head. I want so much to be an author, it's such a tangible thing. I can see it, smell it, taste it. I think about it almost constantly-at home, work, while driving, while getting dressed, eating dinner, etc. It's so strong and yet I have no time or energy left by the time I get home to force myself to write. It's maddening. You simply can't set aside a certain set of time to write-it has to be done when it comes and more often than not, that fails to occur between the hours of 7pn and 10pm when I have time to do it.
ARG. For those who have not read it, take a peek at the topic. Tell me what you think of the story arch I'm weaving here. It's small and it's simple, but it's fun.
On the health-front, I'm still waiting to get my lab results back. I'm honestly really worried about it. I'm afraid they'll be so low that the doctor will insist on a transfusion. It's just not something I want to do. Don't ask me why, it probably sounds weird, but it's simply unnatural, it feels wrong. And, when I feel this strongly against something because of my "gut" feeling, there's usually a reason.
Wish I could just get away with taking a short-term disability. Time to try to treat this problem, but also to rest and still have a job, insurance, and a paycheck. It'd be perfect. The odds of making it fly though are about a million to one.
Ah well. Lunch is almost over and I haven't even considered what to eat yet. Better go scavenge. -m
Daily lunchtime check-in. Not that there's much to report. Had the blood draw again this morning (after waiting an hour just to be seen). Felt like absolute shit afterwards-even the nurse was hesitant to let me go. They always worry I'm going to pass out. (they'll worry even more once they get back the hemoglobin count) Thing is, I don't have that luxury. I don't just drop off into sleep when the anemia rages. Oh no, that would be far too simple. Instead, I remain conscious. Miserably, aware and awake. But, so dizzy, fuzzy, and lightheaded that I can barely see. My body quivers from the inside out and I am suddenly as warm as ice. It's horrible, but nothing visible for people to see and recognize. I look well enough to continue my activities-for, after all, I'm always pale-but inside, I'm just in need of a nap. Life would be easier if I did pass out. Then at least, it would force people to recognize that no, I'm not ok to drive 25 miles right now, that I need to lay down and rest, and that I truly am suffering through this damned condition. (I say this from my job of course, where I did exactly what I should not have: hoped in the car and drove the hour to get here as soon as possible despite the fact I hate the job and the fact that I really had a hard time maintaining a lane.)
Seems all I do lately is bitch about my anemia. Guess after five years of feeling perpetually like I have the flu, I'm sick of it.
Anyway, I'm actually hungry for once today. I can't remember the last time I've eaten more than a forced-down bagel from 7am to 7pm. My appetite has been just nonexistent lately. Today though, I finally feel the stirrings in my stomach begging to be fed. Fine with me. I know I need to eat and hate when I can't. In short, this is where I will close for now. Hope everyone is better than I am. -m
Latest in the "Only Could Happen to Me" category, I call my home voicemail this morning. See, I had yet to receive my blood work results yet and I was getting a bit antsy. Of course, there is indeed a message from the doctor's office, but she yammers something about "clotted blood" and to call her back. Turns out, that either the Dr's office or the lab let my blood sit and basically spoil. It clotted to hell and they couldn't use it. So…the severely anemic girl has to now go back in tomorrow (and be late for work again) to give more. Hello?? I don't have enough blood as it is, let alone enough to be giving multiple vials mere days apart! Arg.
It's blood people. It's not like it has the longest shelf life. You'd think that between the doctor's office and a lab, they'd know that by now. You can't just leave it out on the counter. *sigh* So, 7:45am tomorrow, I'm back in the office, giving yet more blood. My arm is still bruised from last Friday. (no matter how good the nurse taking it is-and this last one was wonderful-I always bruise. It aches for days) Joy of joys.
I know what is going to happen now too, I can just guess. The lab will get this sample this time-finally-and run the CBC. They'll look at it, blink and say, "That MUST be wrong." So, they'll run it again. They'll get the same results and be convinced the sample and/or machines is wrong. So they may try it again on another unit. At this point, they will have used so much of the sample, they won't be able to run the other tests they need to do and they'll call the doctor's office and say they need more. (Sound unlikely? It happened the last time I changed doctors!)
I'm soooo looking forward to feeling like shit tomorrow. I'm going to be dead on my feet. Not like I've been overly perky as it is. Gods, this week is only two days old and already I'm aching and dragging. I can't stand this fatigue. It's so hard to just ache from head to toe, but feel too tired to care. When you simply can't move and if you do, your heart pounds in your chest and you can't breath. Your head swims-it feels like it's caught on rough seas, bobbing up and down, back and forth. You can't hear because your blood rushing muffles your hearing and your eyes hang heavy as you struggle not to give in to the blackness that creeps along the edges of your vision. It's horrid. And, for the last five years, it's gotten worse and worse.
All I want to do is sleep. Just lay down and let hours, days, weeks pass. Sleep until I can get up out of bed. Until I feel like my body's not 500 pounds of uncooperative flesh. To breath and feel like I'm actually getting the air. Yuck yuck yuck.
It's amazing how quickly a pleasant weekend (complete with actual fun and joking with my Love…oh, it was so nice to be silly again for once!) can fade away to nothing in the face of an ungodly early alarm clock, a mind-numbing commute (complete with the fun of a semi trying to run me off the road!), and the realization that I can't fathom a job I'd hate more than this one. There are so many repetitive things to do, so many times I have to type out the same cryptic and garbage engineering job descriptions, to having to cut and paste things from the newspapers…ugh. So NOT what they sold it as…example? Here's a note I wrote when trying to decide what job to take about what they said it was going to be like.
#3(originally dismissed for salary, but wants me so much, they've matched the highest offer) Interesting position though. A very new role-being the main point of contact for all their internet leads. Working closely with their site and ensuring job postings are accurate, reviewing resumes to get to correct dept/recruiter, matching them up with jobs in the system. In the Engineering division. The position is very new and is a very vital one where people will easily see my success. Room for growth and advancement within the company. Very fun atmosphere office…. Middle of downtown so I have NO clue what's around besides office buildings. Commute is a little harder as it involves a few miles on the dreaded interstate (nightmarish under the best of conditions) but really, only like 4 exits…
Oh yeah, I get to be the Point of Contact-I am the dumping grounds for anything and everything. I have to do more shit, take every phone call that comes in asking anything about Engineering, and type, re-type, re-re-type, and re-re-re-type the same job descriptions on literally ten different places. (in two different excel sheets, in Outlook, in our company database, on different web job boards, etc.) I HATE it. But, I am so stuck. I need not only the money, but the insurance. Damn do I need the insurance. I barely managed to keep it long enough to qualify and now I can't even actively look for something else because I've got so much I need to get done (from the cavities I've endured for about a year now, to getting my eyes checked-think I need some damn driving glasses-to of course my anemia and Pill problems.) It's so damn frustrating since I'm stressing myself sicker with this aggravation and lack of sleep. (I never get more than 5 ½ hours sleep during the week EVER) But, I need the insurance. GGGGRRRRRRRRR
Such a damn, damn waste.
I'm starting to wonder if you can lose IQ points if you spend too much time in sheer and complete monotonous boredom? I swear I feel myself growing stupider by the fact I never actually have a need to think anymore! It's kinda scary actually. When you just turn off your brain and shuffle through the motions long enough, can you forget how to turn it back on? I think this is why people (whether true or not) say they are simply doing this until ___ (fill in the blank) Until they become a movie star, before they become a famous artist, before they publish their first book, before, before, before… I think creative people cling to the need to believe that they are not stuck in corporate hell forever, that it is a choice until they CAN do what they want. But, how many people ever make it past those ties? I know even I say I'm going to write and get these damn novels out of my head and be and author, but am I just fooling myself? Are we all? At what point does the illusion end?
*sigh* Thoughts without answer. As always…still isn't changing the fact I am sitting in a desk, freezing my ass off (who has the A/C on when it's 55 outside??), and stalling from turning my brain completely off again.
