given.eyes.to.see dot com | the ever changing status of m v6.0: spring in bloom

How does it go...? It was the best of times; it was the worst of times That's kinda how things are going now for me.

Ok, the health front. Well, first, since I'm thinking about it, the filling was a lot easier then expected. My jaw is tender and achy right now, but it's not so bad. Tolerable-especially with a little cold compress to my check.

Anemia... I saw the hematologist Monday. Figured it took me almost three weeks to get the appointment, might as well keep it. So, he was great. Spent about an HOUR with me discussing the whole history, my problems, what my counts mean and such. Keep in mind, I've been panicked about the possibility of the anemia being bone-marrow related. That is most likely not the case afterall. My body is producing white blood cells in normal counts AND red blood cells in normal counts. The problem is that they are undersized because they are lacking in hemoglobin. If it were my bone marrow not working (or not working correctly) I wouldn't be making anything.

So, I'm doing something odd, but it will potentially make my iron counts stable. I'm going in every weekday for a total of 14 days and getting iron injected directly into my veins. Yup, by the end, I'm officially going to look like a junkie. *grin* But, the idea is that we'll bypass my stomach and therefore avoid the intolerance that I endure when taking iron orally. So far, two days, two injections, no reactions. By doing this, we'll rebuild my iron stores and hopefully, I should start to feel better-more like normal-in about a month. Makes me want to cry just thinking about the fact that I went four years feeling like shit when this is such a simple solution. And, there's no panic over getting a transfusion. It's iron, it's not someone else's blood. It's probably not a one time fix. Depending on how much my body absorbs and how much I lose on a monthly basis, I will probably have to go back for boosters anywhere from once a month to once a year. But, each treatment only takes about 20 minutes, so it's something I can certainly live with for the benefit of being normal. Finally, something positive from it all. The downside (besides the fact I'm a pincushion for the next three weeks) is that my insurance ends on the 28th. It's $40 a treatment without insurance, so it's just cheaper to try to get the COBRA payment (over $200) then pay it out-of-pocket. The other problem is despite the fact that I'm not seeing the doctor-just coming in for a quick injection-I still have to pay a $10/copay each and every time. That's like another $150 I don't have. Ugh. I actually had to talk to the billing lady today and flat out told her, "Look, I'm NOT working. I can't come in a pay $10 every day for the next couple of weeks. I DON'T have it." She started to get snippy with me and I was afraid I was going to lose this whole prospect of finally getting better. She finally eased enough to say that I was still responsible, but they'd bill me for it. That I can live with. I just can't do it now.

Work. Ugh. The original four-letter word. Still no update on that front...that's the bad part of things. Haven't been on a single interview, can't get my recruiter to call me back. (I know it's because she doesn't want to place me somewhere and have me quit and/or get fired again because of illness-related absences.) Tomorrow's my last paid day from my severance, so I don't know what I'm going to do thereafter. I simply can't survive without a paycheck.

So on one hand, things are looking up. There's finally a chance that I will be able to make it through a day without hurting and being dead tired. On the other, I have no clue what to do about work. Especially since now, everyday at 4pm I've got to go in and get my injection. How can I get interviews-let alone a job-on the condition that I have to be at my doctor's office at 4pm everyday? If I could just keep getting paid until the end of March, there'd be no problem. I'd be feeling better and done with my treatment. But, that's just not going to happen, and I don't know what to do from here.

Just when things start looking up, there's a whole other side that's plummeting...

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 2/27/2001 11:50:22 PM ~ ~

Ok quick note....I have to get my filling done today and I am stupidly scared over it. I mean, I'm making myself sick with worry that it's going to suck, hurt, be hell. You have to understand, I only have one other filling and I got it when I was like 8. I don't remember what it was like! I was 8! I'm super scared and this is so silly...but, I'm still super scared. Arg. I've had a ton of much more serious stuff done on my mouth before, so why this little, casual, everyday filling is scaring me so much, I have no clue. But, I am honestly trembling with fear. And I have to go by myself which I think makes it worse.

Gods, I hope I'm just over panicking for nothing. I really don't want to be in massive amounts of pain.

Anyway, I have other news to report on the anemia front (good news for once!) but it's very long and detailed and I don't have time for it right now. Perhaps if my mouth isn't driving me insane this afternoon/evening I'll try to post a complete update. In the meantime, however, ACK! I'm scared!

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 2/27/2001 01:09:44 PM ~ ~

Quickie post...

I have my hemotologist appointment in less then an hour now and I admit, I'm a bit nervous. Considering the latest thought is that perhaps my bone marrow is deficiant, I have just cause to be nervous. I don't know what we'll accomplish within two days (insurance runs out on Wednesday unless I COBRA it and pay $220 month which I don't have) but I figure I might as well try. Took me almost three weeks just to get the damn appointment in the first place-specialist, *humphf*-so there's no point in canceling. Just don't know what we're going to do and what he's going to say. I'll try to post what I know (if anything) when I get home.

Just scared about the whole thing and really not wanting to deal with it. Curling up in a little ball is sounding better and better by the minute...

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 2/26/2001 01:59:19 PM ~ ~

*yawn*

Need to go to sleep...tired. Not sleeping these days. Far too much tossing, turning, waking up, and nightmares. Yuck. None of which I'm used to in the slightest. Haven't had problems sleeping uninterrupted in longer then I can recall, nightmares have been absent since I was a child, and I've always (until now) been lucid in my dreams.

Add to that the worry over the still-out-of-work-with-no-change-in-site, the onslaught of unpaid bills piling up, the fact that tomorrow I go to the hemotologist (but my insurance runs out on the 28th-Wednesday-so there's not really any time to do anything, and things continue to downgrade in the love-life situation, I'm just not happy. Life is being hard and I am so very tired.

I don't know any more. I'm trying, but the will is just not there. The strength and the energy just aren't there. I even just got chased out away from my computer because it was too bright, "I have to work tomorrow!" and he could not sleep. Sorry, but the whole damn reason my computer is IN my bedroom in the first place is because he decided-without conferring with me-that he was going to allow his friend to move in with us until she could get her own place. So our office-you know, the reason we spend the extra money on a second bedroom in the first damn place-gets emptied out, and she moves in. Stays with us for like a month without paying a penny (meanwhile, our bills go WAY up), and then leaves to stay somewhere else, but leaves ALL her stuff still in our bedroom so that we can't put our computers back in there. So here I am on his, typing on this horrid, non ergenomic keyboard, killing my wrists, trying to just finish my damn entry before I ATTEMPT to get some sleep.

I am so damn miserable, I wish someone would just come along and shoot me. Put me out of my misery...

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 2/26/2001 01:27:05 AM ~ ~