GGGGRRRRRRRRRRR....keeps saying it's posting, but it's not!!! I keep having to retype these notes about how it was from the other day, but on the forum, blogger wasn't working and yada yada. Anyway, this is TAKE FOUR to publish it. Grrrr.

I've started a new job again. Monday was my first day. So, you know how stressed and busy I've been lately? Well, it just got worse. Not sleeping the last four days isn't helping, nor the fact that I've had a migraine lingering just as long...

I'm tired and not yet feeling up to working. Although, I doubt I'll ever feel "ready" Just so much has been going on with my health and love life and whatnot, that it seems too soon. Like I'm just not ready to handle this all yet. My body's throwing a fit to be honest over the shift in schedule and attitude. I have to try to be useful, helpful, and attentive for 8 straight hours a day now and it's really damned hard. What else isn't helping is that my eyes are just getting worse and worse. I'm to a point where I just can't see anymore and I don't know what to do about it. Glasses were never something I ever thought about for me and I hate the fact that if I start wearing them, that's it. I'll have them forever. But, as I sit no more then two feet from this monitor, I'm squinting to make out what I'm typing. It's all blurred at the edges and it's getting worse. Something about the fluorescent lights makes it even more pronounced. It scares me and I worry what it means. Of course, with the lights and the lack of sleep, the migraines have come back full force as well. Ugh...I feel like all the energy and bonus I got back from the Iron treatments has evaporated under the stress and changes. More and more I come to the unwavering realization that I simply can not handle this kind of schedule. It's too hard on my body. But, it leaves me lost. I don't know how else to survive and it scares me. What am I to do if I can't work?

I can literally feel it building again...the little pieces chipping away, leaving me weak and sick again. And I don't ever want to feel that way.

oh gods, I don't know what to do. Four days in and I'm already scared. Job's not bad, but it's just so hard for me...I know I'm burning through my newly, hard-earned blood counts...I can just feel it...

Anyway...just a note that I'm here, but hardly. I'm trying to watch anyway....

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 3/30/2001 02:11:24 PM ~ ~

me @ new job right now.

me tired.

me did not sleep last night nor the night before.

me did not make it through the forums last night

me will probably not make it tonight either.

Just wanted everyone to know.

Not gone, just tired & trying to adjust to the change of schedule.
-m

ps: ugh. flourecent lights suck. migraines are evil. and I hate how they go hand-in-hand. First migraine in like a month comes day one under the damn lights. ....evil.....

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 3/27/2001 10:48:58 AM ~ ~

I'm all scared. (I know, big surprise...I'm such a worry-wart!) I have to start my new job tomorrow...I'm happy that I'll be working again-we need the money so desperately-but it's been almost 6 weeks since I've had a job and I've gotten to really like NOT working. I don't know how to get back into a "normal" schedule anymore. I've had all of like two migraines since I haven't been working and I like that. I like sleeping when I want to sleep. I like being up as long as I want to be. I like lounging and planning my days out around one or two goals for the day. It's been great. I eat, sleep, play, dress, work, etc. when and as I want to. I'm going to miss it horribly.

The longer I am out and away from the corporate life, the better I feel. The more alive and powerful I feel. The more "me" I feel. I don't want to give that back up, but I know I have to. And that's hard. It hurts. It sucks. And it makes me hesitant and fearful...I'm at a point right now where having and holding down a normal job feels like a foreign thing. Like it happened to someone else. I'm so far from where I was when I was that corporate person (yes, in only this short 6 weeks!) that I don't feel secure. I feel like it's a first job ever or that I'm some newbie without practical skills. Yes, I know logically that I still know how to use Office and how to type a letter and how to deal with adverstising deadlines, but it doesn't feel like I know how. I feel like it's not me.

I'm worried that I'll go in there tomorrow and I won't fit. It will be all awkward and weird and I'll suck. I won't be able to do the simple things I need to do to get through my day. I'm used to making my schedule whatever I want it to be and now, I'm hitting the emergency brakes and stopping in mid-stride. It's weird. And it worries me...

So...come 8am tomorrow I'll be at my new job. In uncomfortable shoes and restrictive clothes. Fresh from fighting traffic and faced with a long and seamless day before me. Tired and nervous and wishing that I was anywhere but there. And thus it begins. At least I'm healthy...at least I won't have my own body fighthing me. It's something anyway. And I need all I can get. Right now, it feels like a job is a great thing in theory...as we get closer to the reality, it gets more and more unpleasent...

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 3/25/2001 07:29:47 PM ~ ~