Instability:
1.Lack of physical stability; unsteadiness.
2.The quality or condition of being erratic or undependable: emotional instability; political instability.

This is me. I'm unsteady, erratic, undependable... I'm suffering these huge emotional swings-finding myself sobbing one moment only to be screaming and destroying things in rage the next. Of course also is the eerie calm of numbnes...where the surface is as placid as ice, but underneath a tormenting, rushing current swirls and bubbles... A moment ago I screamed out in rage and frustration-over something stupid, trivial and asinine. It just enraged me that I should have to instruct people over and over and over on their stupidity that I simply had to explode. Mindless, seething rage poured out blindly through my words and I berated and tore apart a person for a simple and shallow reason. Now, not three minutes later, I cringe. Writing these words as if they are a penance; a retribution for myself and the angry and scared beast within me. I feel like a two-headed monster-a small and fragile child-made of the lightest and most delicate spun glass...a strong breeze would crush it to dust as it quivers from the vibrations of those around her. The other, a raging, powerful, and evil beast-a creature born of hurt, pain, and destruction. An animal that seeks nothing short of revenge for every tear shed, every hurt word, every cruel action. I am the embodiment of rightousness-the vengeance of those without name or face, the justice so desperately needed in this hell of "modern life."

I don't know who or what I am. Taking these daily hurts and fears-feeling them swell and grow with not only each passing day, but with the thoughts of all the painful days already past. The memories of my pathetic childhood I still wish I had not survived, the years of torment and weakness-having no choice over the hurt that I received, having to just sit and take the hits, the words, the rage, the pain...shriveling; dying; curling up inside and breaking away into fragmented shadows. It seems this cycle for which I am forever bound...small, teasing images of joy and comfort only to be swallowed up by pain, suffering, and heartache. I can't continue being everyone's toy-everyone's victim...taking only what is given and suffering through this loss and pain over and over and over again.

It's not to say that he touches me-he would not lay a hand on me (unlike the waste of flesh that is my biological father)...but, words still cut to the bone. Beating you up emotionally. This not knowing; this helpless waiting; this future I can not account for or determine. I am so desperately alone. The one thing in the world I never wanted to be but had resigned myself to...alone...and now, almost three years later of the day I realized never would I have to be alone again; never would I have to have the fear and worry of who would take care of me (for it is my ultimate weakness that I can save the world, but never, never, myself); never to be scared or helpless, or oh so very small....he tells me tonight we must talk. We must talk of finality. Of determining once and for all what is happening. He says it like there's doubt. Like there's a chance that I won't be alone and helpless. He says it like I won't be without a job, a place to live, a LOVE, a safety. He says it like it's deciding dinner-chicken or beef? He says it like there's a desire for me to conclude this; like I want this to happen. He says it like I have a choice, a vote, a say... And then he holds me, kisses me softly on the cheek as I cry once again...

And I cry....and cry...and cry......

I can't do this. I can't do this. Any of it. I have no motivation or desire for myself. These mundane acts needed for survival-working, shopping, cooking, cleaning-none of them I can do for myself. I have always done them for US. And now, tonight...no more us...already he jokes about who gets the DVD player and the big tv...telling me he wants to be "fair" and work through this together.... oh yes, the statement of the century...let's work through our breakup together Maybe I don't WANT to work through it to end it. Maybe I had my life all planned out in these gleaming moments of happiness. Maybe I had things left to do, places yet to go and people yet to be with each other. Maybe I've worked and planned these last few years based on the continuation of this "us" this love; this life ogether...maybe I daydreamed our life together, our love, our home, and our joy...maybe I want all that still....but, it doesn't matter. It's not what I want. It's not up tome and it's beyond my control. I even have a little picture of us together here on my monitor. When I pause in my frantic typing I look up at it and see it. Us smiling, happy, together. He's so cute and I look so happy. His cousin's wedding. How ironic. Him in a tie-he looks so good dressed up-and me in a dress (a rarity if ever there was one) and just us together. Together...

He asks me in sobbing moments if I'll always be his best friend...and I would...I'd be anything he wanted me to be, but I need to be his love He tells me that he could never believe he found this "beautiful" (his words, never mine) woman who didn't care who or what he was, but loved him all the same. And I did. I still do. I don't think of he and I, I think of us. I think of OUR life, OUR home, OUR future. How can I lose all that? How can I just let it go? How can I pretend the world's not exploding around me in pain and terror? What do I do? What do I do?

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 4/12/2001 01:46:48 PM ~ ~

How is it that you can be both numb and aching on the inside? How can you feel nothing and know near constant sorrow? How can the fire, the burning drive of life be missing in your heart and soul-yourself empty to the cold, ashen core-but yet, echo out pain, sorrow, and endless tears?

Questions left unanswered, pain still digging deep within...

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 4/10/2001 05:15:51 PM ~ ~

What's new on the home front? Not much unfortunately...

The only good thing about a status quo is that things don't get worse. The bad thing of course, is that they don't get better either.


Job....still no solid leads...a few teaser calls from recruiters, but not enough to give me any real hope or promise. Bills still pile up in towering overdue stacks.

Health....I feel like shit because I'm stressed out and not sleeping, eating, or relaxing...

Love....things are still falling apart. Just so slowly and drawn out that it's a slow and agonizing death. He's all but saying "yes, we're definitely broken up" but, he says it in the little things like mentioning that this is his or that is mine...at the same time, he came home on lunch, laid down on the bed and called me in his puppy-dog-sick-not-feeling-well-boy-voice.... "honeeeey...?" because he wanted me to lay down with him and hold him. How can I keep doing this? Laying there, just touching him, smelling him, holding him...feeling him there, knowing that I don't know for how much longer I'll have that? How can I just go about my day like anything else matters? How can I pretend that the lease is up on April 30th and he's already said that no matter what happens, he doesn't want to renew? What then? I have no friends to turn to, no money for which to live, no job, no {good} credit to even get approved on a lease...What am I going to do? Go live with my mom again? Oh yeah, this is what every self-resepcting grown woman wants to do.

Did I mention she lives in BFE? Like over a half an hour (without traffic) from where I am now? And, from here, most everything is already a good drive away...I can't put myself even further away from any hopes of a job! Her county is useless and pays so much less-just about half-of what you can make in mine or the one just south of me. But, that would mean driving through over 1 1/2 hours of commute one way and I just can't put myself through that.

Did I also mention how scared I am? I know a lot of people tend to think of me as strong and independent, but I'm really a terribly frightened person. I hate being alone more then anything and I get scared of being by myself. Afraid of what might happen, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of someone coming after me...just afraid. Chalk it up to my shitty childhood, but I know I'm a small and petite woman and I know that pretty much anyone can do anything they want to me because they're just bigger and stronger then I am. My 5'5"/108lb body isn't going to stop ANYONE. And I never want to be a victim like that again. One of the things I loved so much when we got together is that he always promised that no matter what, he's protect me. He'd be my "Big Strong Man" and that I'd always be safe with him. Until now, I always have felt safe. It's been so nice...and now, I don't know what to do if that goes away as well...

I'm so scared and so fragile and I hate feeling like nothing I say or do has any consequence on what happens in my life. If he wants it to be over, then there's just nothing I can do to stop that. It's hard not being in control of your own life. Of not knowing where you'll be in a month's time. I never planned on NOT being with him. We have all these long-term and on-going things in our lives and I don't know what they mean anymore. Hell, my birthday is in a month and I can't even tell you if I'll have a place to live or not, let alone if I'll have any plans. We have deposits on a cruise with his family (who I love and who just love me back) for Thanksgiving to Cancun (a first for both of us). We have goals, we have things we've bought or building for us; for our lives together. Now, I don't know what any of that means. And I'm so scared.

Again, just in case I forgot to mention, one of the bills I owe money on is Time Warner. I don't know when I can pay it, so I may just *poof* disappear one day. If so, it's because I lack a cable modem and have no dial-up modem. (another bad thing-you can't get cable modems where my mom lives) I'm sorry if it's sudden, but they are never patient or understanding and I never know when they're going to decide to just up and turn me off.

So...waiting. Waiting for an end I don't want to come. Waiting for an answer I'm almost too afraid to hear. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Afraid to hope, too scared not to.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 4/9/2001 05:04:33 PM ~ ~