And the night comes again... I'm in that point where my days are just blurs of light and dark. At some point, I wake up and it's sunny. People are awake and going about their business. Eventually (and rather mindlessly fast) it starts getting dark. Things settle down and get far too quite again. I stay here until my eyes hurt from strain and the crumple into bed for it to happen again.
It's weird. I've literally accomplished NOTHING this entire week. I've not packed one box, I've done no laundry, washed no dishes, etc. I've sat in alternating stages on the couch, at the computer, and on the bed. That's it. The fact that today I managed (by 6pm nonetheless) to take a shower, get dressed and drive to Target to get some more shampoo was an adventure. But now I'm here again, alone, having spoken no more then a dozen words all day (and those being, "Hi" and "Thank you" to the cashier)
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{I actually started to zone out while writing this, so I stepped away to put some ice on my neck and lay down on the couch. I've got a wicked knot in my neck and it's just aching. Don't know if I'm sleeping wrong or what, but damn, it's huge and giving me a killer headache. Anyway, I actually dozed off for about 20 minutes}
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But, this adds to my thoughts of how it's just one meaningless transition...sometimes I'm here at the computer, sometimes I'm on the couch watching tv, or otherwise, I'm sleeping in bed. There's nothing that I want to do, nothing I have a drive or energy to do, nothing that makes any purpose to these numb hours and days.
My Love had a party to go to tonight - both he and our friend Rand are occupied at my once-friend Crystals. (You may have read some bitching over how she was living with us for awhile and yet not paying for anything let alone saying thank you). What really sucks is they are just a few buildings down. And I am here, bored, lonely, and mindless without anything to do. It sucks to be frank. And I'm so sick of being by myself. A week only and I'm already going mad. I'm just not cut out for solitude and not having any friends that aren't his friends is really, really shitty. I need to be around people and have fun right now. Got my car back, but have no money or people to hang out with. I don't want to go out somewhere to "meet" anyone because 1)it's not my thing 2)I don't want to endure people hitting on me right now 3)I don't drink {although I've been seriously reconsidering that and contemplating if I want to get drunk here by myself}and therefore going to a club isn't comfortable and 4)I'm horrified of being alone somewhere public. Maybe it's just paranoia, but I'm so afraid of getting jumped, robbed, or worse. It makes me rather stay in. If I were with someone, that'd be different, but I literally have no one to call. It makes me feel even more pathetic that I lack a friend network. =(
On the job front So, I've been really torn about what to do for a job. I'm just having no luck - not even for something temporary to get me by. The problem of course is worsened by the fact that where I'll be living is 20 miles further north then I am now. As it stands, I'm in the fringe of the "city" area. It's already a decent drive to get downtown somewhere - about 20-30 miles depending on where I'm going. So, to add another 20 miles into the equation, means I'd be facing another commute-only this time, one FAR more then the last that just killed me. Getting a job in the area I'll be isn't really an option. Pending I could even find something - it's not like there's any companies or large offices around - it would pay at least $5,000-$10,000 less a year then what I was making before. And, to try to live off that (when my goal is to return to this area once I've saved some money and gotten on my feet again) is simply impossible. Add to that the fact that I don't want to commute, I'd be looking at getting a crapola job paying squat for the next few months (no idea how long it will take to get on my feet again - could be more like 6 months. Ugh) only to turn around and try to find another when I'm ready to move. I don't want to do that. It's too hard to find a full time job as it is, I don't really want to do it twice.
So...I've been trying to think of what I can do to make things work better for me. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to look into being a server at a restaurant. Not something I've done before, something I've very nervous over, and not the most rewarding or um, prestigious job, but one that would give me short weeks, less taxes, and daily cash money. Right now, the idea of having to get back into a 8am-5pm grind again isn't so appealing. I don't really feel up to the rat race. And, after talking to my sister about it, I'm feeling a little less freaked out over the idea. She's been bartending up there for over a year now and was able to buy her house and whatnot. Yeah, it's much more manual labor. Yeah, it means dealing with people day-in and day-out. But, it's not like a desk job. I won't be stuck getting up at 7am every morning. I can get away with only working 4 days a week and make money. I know how to play to people oh-so-very well (part of being empathic) and I'm at a point where my health is relatively stable enough to handle it.
But I'm terrified.
And, I know it's shallow, but where my sister lives is where I went to school. Same area. So, I'm all afraid of running into people I once knew. I haven't done that down here - getting out of that area was a big thing for me. It's one of those more backwater places where people never leave you know? So, having to go back, put my things in storage, live with my family, and get a waitress job isn't exactly the pinnacle of success. I know that's stupid, but it's kinda how I feel. I'm such a person of expensive tastes that sometimes I get a little too um...snotty I guess. Not that I try to say I'm better then anyone, just that I like nice things. Take my car. She's not the most expensive car out there by far, but when I was shopping to get one, once I saw the Mustang, I knew that was what I wanted. Several dealerships tried to sway me into something else - something more "befitting" a first car loan (yup, it was clunkers before this) - but I was set. I knew that I was not going to settle for anything less. It makes me proud to have that car. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something. It makes me happy to drive it. I guess what it boils down to is yes, I am materialistic in ways. But, I think that's just how things are and I don't think I'm bad for that.
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{got distracted surfing for about an hour}
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Burgandy Tresses Ok, that's it. Tonight, as soon as I finish and upload this entry, I am going to do it. I am going to get the damn dye and color my hair. I only bought it like 6 months ago. I was too chickenshit to do it before. Now, everything else in my life is upsidedown, what the hell does it matter if I make one more change? The color is only temporary. It's a burgandy/mahogany/deep-red-almost-blackish purple color. I think I may scan some of my hair in (since I lack a digital cam or webcam) to show a before and after color. I'm really eager to share this first with everyone. Yes folks, that's right. I'm a hair color virgin. 24 years and I've never dyed my hair. NOT ONCE. So....this will be an event. I'm so damned bored I need to do something.
Hee hee...what a surprise this is going to be. My Love is coming over tomorrow at lunch to start the serious packing with me. (I really need the help to start). He's so cute, he said he'll come over and make a traditional breakfast for me. (He ususally would cook a nice breakfast at least once a weekend for me) He even showed up this morning with a yummy Atlanta Bread Company turkey and cheese sandwhich for me. (he's like I know you better then anyone else and I know you don't cook for yourself. Wanted to make sure you didn't starve....you know I still care about you and look after you..." Awww....) Anyway, when he shows up tomorrow, I wonder what he'll think. I've been saying I'm going to do it forever, but I haven't yet 'cause I'm a big scaredy cat. I guess it depends on how it comes out, but....worse comes to worse, I just bought a brand new bottle of shampoo, so if it's hell, I can scrub my head a few times to help get rid of it! =)
Alright then...quickie scan coming up and I'm off. Wish me all luck. I honestly don't know what the hell I'm getting myself into! *lol*
Some people need to just die So, I'm flipping through channels this morning (oh wait, afternoon - but it was MY morning) and I stop (don't ask me why) on one of the HBO channels. It's a documentary on Skinheads. Shit like this pisses me off more then I can possibly say. So, what do I do? Watch the last half-hour of it. I just couldn't stop staring at these utter and complete wastes of flesh...listening to them spew their absolute FILTH and BULLSHIT. These assholes go on and on about how they are "Taking back their country." Being both very tolerant (like it matters what the hell skin color a person has) and spending three years with my Love (who's half Native American - although, no, he doesn't look like it) makes me fume to hear this shit. First, it's not "their" country. Hello? Want to get technical here, no white person "found" this place, they just invaded it. Big difference. Second, it's supposed to be (although no, it's not always - especially not with that backwater moron in office) a place for EQUALITY. It's not called a "melting pot" for nothing. It's supposed to be the land of the free. Last time I checked, "free" wasn't limited to people with light pigmentation. And that's what we're talking about here people...variations in melatonin and pigment. That's it. I'm not saying that people of different ethnics aren't entitled to follow traditional faiths, worships, and culture, not at all. Just that, when you boil it all down, it's SKIN COLOR. What's next? Shades of color? "Well, I'm whiter then you!" . . "Oh yeah, well, you're a yellowish white and I'm more white-white!" Fuck that. It's so stupid. And these people are so horrible. They are everything that is wrong with the world. They are bigoted, selfish, willfully ignorant, and all together undeserving to breath the same air as the rest of us. I'm sorry, if that sounds harsh, but there's no convincing these assholes they're wrong. And, freedom of speech or not, there's NOTHING right about what they say.
ARG. Makes me so very mad. It's the fucking 21st century and what have we got? Fucking skinheads and KKK members converting children to their sick and twisted ideologies. People who are worshiping Adolph Hitler as a god who will -and I quote- "rise again." Getting these 15, 16, 17 boys to drop out of school, leave their families, and beat, stab, and murder people! They actually had arrested four 16 year old boys for the brutal murder of a homeless black man and the {local area group} leader actually said that it was a SHAME the BOYS lives would be "wasted" over "some useless black man" !! Hello? Does this put warning flags up for anyone else or is it just me?
It's times like these that I utterly and completely hate the world and all the people in it. What kind of place is this that we live in when people think shit like that is ok? I'm just so violently disgusted right now, that I actually want to throw up. It's a crime against all of humanity. These people are mankind at the utter and complete worst. Things like this make me just WISH we'd blow ourselves up and get it over with. Let nature start again without us to fuck things up.
More later. For right now, I'm too mad to talk about anything else and too disgusted to think about these people. (who don't even deserve to be called "people" That's just too good for them)
What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage created you a monster broken by the rules of love and fate has lead you through it you do what you have to do and fate has led you through it you do what you have to do ...
and I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go every moment marked with apparitions of your soul I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go
a glowing ember burning hot burning slow deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do and I have sense to recognize but I don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go
Another day...
Angelique-my baby Mustang The car had bad (splitting) front brake pads and apparently disastrously bad rotors. They said they simply could no longer be turned and would need to be replaced. Non-warranty, $230. Thing that pissed us off (besides of course the fact that it wasn't warranty) is that less then a year ago-probably about 9 months-we had the brakes done at that same place including the master brake cylinder and pads, and turning the rotors. Now, in this short amount of time, it's gotten so bad that they need to be replaced? What the hell? We were all ready to scream at them and demand something a little better then, "Well, that just happens." While fuming, I got a call. Couldn't get to it, so I let the voicemail snag it. It was from my mom's husband. He called to say not to worry about the car. That he already arranged payment and that the car would be done today {Friday}. He said he's helped out his daughter before and that he doesn't want me to worry about losing the car. This comes not twelve hours after he had my mom call me to find out about how far behind I am on my payments (a month). I couldn't believe it. It was HIS idea and HIS personal money that he was going to give me. What you guys don't understand is that he's not like this. Normally, he's mostly annoying at the best of times. My sister (who's a couple blocks away from their house and therefore sees them more then I do) mentioned he was really being nicer lately-that he was actually being a half-decent man. Needless to say, I guess she wasn't kidding. Anyway, it was very nice of him. I've got my car back and I can actually stop now. It's so nice because that was seriously stressing me and making me not want to drive. It was just too scary to know I just couldn't stop without a mile headstart. Ugh. Oh yeah, thanks to everyone who complimented me on the car. She IS pretty isn't she? I love that car, I really do. She's just so *me*
Listening to Sarah McLachlan So, if you hadn't noticed, those are lyrics on the side. From her Surfacing Album, called "Do What You Have to Do." It's just what I feel......I have the sense to recognize, but I don't know how to let you go... *sigh* When will I learn that listening to sad songs doesn't help? It's like mandatory, self-imposed punishment. It makes me feel worse, but I can't help it. The fact that for the first time in my life, every one of those sappy "you're-leaving-and-I-don't-want-you-to-go" songs hits so damned close to home, it's like I can't NOT listen to them. I finally get what they're talking about. And I hate it. I rather they just be songs again. Not these damned windows into my soul. =(
Dreams Before Dawn So, as everyone knows, I'm just not sleeping right or well. Obvious reasons apply. It's just so lonely and empty and quite around here. This will be night five and I'm convinced I'm going to just die. I know that sounds so melodramatic, but I am in such pain inside I don't know what to do. I just constantly have this horrid hollow feeling when I look around and I'm still alone. And it's getting to the point where just being in a hazy denial isn't cutting it anymore. I'm more and more aware of how apart we are.
The only thing that was good was that he'd stop by here on his way to work each morning. He'd drift in like a part of my dream, lay down silently next to me and hold me again. Just those brief and fleeting moments have gotten me through my week. That perfect moment of feeling him, touching him, smelling him, being close and safe with him...it allowed me what rest I got - those few moments giving my mind a moment of comfort in which to fall asleep afterwards peacefully. It sounds like nothing - and it's not like any huge thing to anyone else - but to me, it was heaven. Perfection. That feeling of home...him laying down, letting me rest my head on his chest as I've done everynight for three years, his arm curled around me, holding me, stroking my hair and kissing so very lightly on my forehead...oh gods, I need that. I need something, anything....and now, knowing that tonight he went out with his friends to get away and have fun...that tomorrow, he won't be over in the morning...I don't know what to do. What if I don't see him at all tomorrow? I don't know how to deal with that. I'm crying now just thinking of it and I feel myself struggling to breath...my body just starts trembling and I start hyperventilating...
{walked away...got a drink of water}
At least too, during the week, I can email him at work, or call him. Now, I can't reach him and the sheer need to even hear his voice feels like it's driving me mad...I just LOVE him so much. He is so much apart of me and I am so lost with this hurt of this ending....
I have to go away now. I can't keep typing this...it's making me sick...I'm so cold and tired and lonely...I'm posting this and finding a blanket and staring mindless again at the tv for who knows how many hours again like I did last night. I just can't do anything else...and I can't sleep until I literally drop...unfortunatly, something about being depressed doesn't allow you to drop easily enough...
*sigh & sniffle*
++ps: damn thing wouldn't let me use a table It totally screwed up the font size, color, and face even though I went back and tried to insert it...sorry, I had wanted the song to go alongside the actual post, but it didn't want to cooperate...grrr...ok, instead, I went ahead and added a newly scanned pic from when we went to see Phantom of the Opera at Christmastime. =( don't we look good...?
Let's see....what's new? Well....my lovely little car is still in the shop. Never got a single update...never did they get to look at it today. All the hassle and stress of making and keeping the appointment to get it there and nada. Dammit, shit like that pisses me off. Oh yeah, but my scanner started *sorta* working again (it was completely covering the bed with a yellow and green stripe-now, it's only doing one side. Not enough that I can't work around it) So, I went ahead and scanned a few pics. Thought since I'm talking so much about my car, that I'd go ahead and show you all a pic. It's not that good, but it's the only one I could find. You guys will just have to deal with it. :)
Tried to set my mood thingy to "worn" but there was no worn. So, I suggested it. Don't know if they'll make a worn, but that's how I feel. Here's how I defined that for them: When you've just reached the point where you're spent down to nothing and there's a numb sorta used feel in your body. When the day has been FAR too long and the night isn't getting any better. Work has been done and yet nothing is accomplished. That's worn. That's about how I feel right now.
I keep writing in this thing, hoping that it will make me feel better. And because it seems like I can't do anything else. Like a shark...if I stop, I'll die. So I keep going, because I am too afraid to stop. It's not that I have a whole hell of a lot to say, I just keep on writing anyway...
I ended up taking the offered money from my mom today. Didn't want to but needed to get the phone back on. What else could I do? It's bad enough I'm stuck here without a car, but to leave me without a phone as well would have been too much. Of course, the phone and the car insurance pretty much wiped out what she gave me. Sucks. It's so pathetic being so desperatly, painfully broke...
Gonna move back to the couch for awhile. I'm lonely and maybe if I move to the other room and distract myself with tv for awhile, I'll get numb again. Things hurt too much right now and I'm so aware of how empty and alone I am. I can't even go out to the store-not for anyting, but to just hear people, be around people. Which is so unlike me. I hate people and hate being around them. The fact that I'm longing to go to the store just to be around people again shows you how desperate I feel. This is night four (for those keeping track) and it's only getting worse and worse. My Love keeps saying I need to leave-get out even for a night-so that I'm not here and dwelling on it all. Scary thing is, I think it'd be worse if I were somewhere else. I'd have NONE of my things, my comforts. I don't have the comfort I need-him obviously-but at least I have the computer, my bed, my couch, my cat...stupid little things that make this place (and not my sister's house) home.
Gods, I don't want to move in with her. Nothing against her-I love her dearly, but it's so damned awkward and weird. Not what I want at all. Her house is HER house and she's got very set things she does. Things that are nothing like me. That are opposite of me. We may be sisters, but we are night and day to each other. Literally. And I don't know how I'm going to live in a place that makes me constantly attentive to how she wants it-not how I want it. Don't know if that makes sense, but it's how I feel...
*sigh* Going away now. This time for real dammit...I'm sure I'll be back. (Not that I should, I only have a whole house to pack-my entire life-in a matter of 11 days) No pressure there...
So it's what? Five minutes to five and I've yet to get a status on what's up with the car. I don't know what's wrong with it yet, let alone if it's warranty or not. FUCK! Why do people have to be so damn incompetent?! I'm going to be stuck here tonight, no phone, and no car. Lovely. Why don't people understand the importance of something like having transportation? I mean, it's a bit of a big deal. Considering there's no food in the house, it'll be a really big deal when I start starving.
Grr....
Oh and since someone actually was curious enough to ask, for the record, my car is a Mustang. A 1995 Mustang actually. I named her "Angelique" (with great kudos to my Love for suggesting it). She's a good car, just that I'm a {mostly} bad owner. I just don't get her fixed fast enough when there's a problem, and it leads to really BIG and annoying things like this. (I have a few pics, but my scanner sucks. Maybe I'll try to see if I can make a salvagable scan)
Oh and remember I was saying I really didn't want to hang out with my sister since I wasn't feeling up to it? She's YET to show up. Of course, she can't call me because the phone's off, but still....what's up?? It's one thing not to want to hang out, it's another when you're waiting and waiting....Like this, I can't actually DO anything. I can't start a project or take a shower or whatever (even though I did that earlier, you get my point) because I don't know when she's coming over.
Grrr...again.
More waiting. More frustration! Oh yeah, if you hadn't noticed, I added the imood.com thingy at the top of the page. This way, it's a quickie status as I think about it for what I'm feeling. There's a whole slew of adjectives, it's pretty cool. Some new toy anyway. Saw them awhile ago, was too lazy to seriously look at it until last night.
Oh well, let me get back to my . . W A I T I N G . .
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ps I think my domain is in server moves this week...I remember getting an email about it, but I'm not paying a lot of attention to things ya know? Anyway, my email's been really lagging and you may get some 404 errors, broken images, or "server can't be found" errors. Just in case you do, don't panic, it's only temporary. Thanks.
Took the car in to the dealership today. (thanks Love for your help and sorry it took so long) Not like I have a job or the money to pay for it, but the brakes/rear axle problem is getting SO bad it's to a point where it's just beyond safe to actually drive the car. Problem is that when I try (and *try* being the operative word here) to stop, once I hit about 35mph, the entire rear end of the car feels like it's going to sheer apart and the steering wheel literally trembles as you try to come to a stop. It's scary, hard to control the car, and obviously a danger to me if I need to make a sudden stop. (namely because I can't). I have no idea what's wrong. Someone said it might be a rear differential problem, or a rear axle problem, but honestly, beyond some creative driving skills, I don't know shit about cars.
Here's what else sucks...I asked my Love to call me this morning to wake me up. We has a noon appointment to drop off the car today and I wanted him to buzz me to make sure I got up. (you all know about how much I've been sleeping and that means that I could just go comma-deep sleep anytime now to try to make up for it.) Well, he tried to call, but apparently the phone is off. I'm not talking, I turned the ringer off, I'm talking, stupid shitty Verizon turned it off. You know, when it was GTE, they were so nice...I could go like three months without paying it and there would be no problem. Now that it's Verizon, they're assholes and because I'm about a month and change behind, they turned me off. Here's why this sucks. Beyond the obvious fact that I now have no phone - which doesn't sound like such a big deal, but trust me it is - I'm now faced with a shitty dilemma. I don't have the cash to pay them, but I need a phone to be reachable for any jobs, but also, if I pay them, I'll have a reconnection fee and I'll be canceling the damn service on the 30th anyway, so who really wants to pay a reconnection fee for less then two weeks?? But, I can't not have a phone. It's one of those things you just kinda need to have.
And speaking of money problems, I'm panicked about the car deal. I need it working (especially if I'm going to be living in Poedunk and having to drive back down here to get a job) but I don't know how long it's going to take or what's wrong with it. My extended warranty has a $50 deductible, but anything more than that and I'm screwed. Also, for the moment, I don't have a rental car because I don't know yet if it's a warranty-covered item. I can't afford the rental car if it's not -let alone the repair or diagnostic costs. (which are anywhere from $70-100 just to determine what's wrong).Diagnostic costs are covered if it's warranty work, but if it's not, then I'll spend the money I have for the deductible on the diagnostic and still not have it fixed. Ugh...!!
My mom keeps trying to give me money to help me out, but I know that she doesn't really have it. And that's just so not fair to take her last savings money because I got laid off. Makes me feel like such worthless shit. It's not bad enough I've got to tuck tail and go back up to live with my family, now I need to take money from them too?? I know that everyone (especially them) say that they're doing it because they love me and want to help, but if you've not been out and independent for years, you don't know how hard it is to find yourself failing. To find yourself suddenly at the mercy of everyone else. I've been putting it off, but I really can't do that anymore...I think I'm going to have to take it and that really hurts. Never thought I'd be out of work again this long...thought when I got the freak-ass layoff that I could bounce right back in with at least a temporary job in the meantime. But nothing. And I have NO money to pay for the things that need to be paid. (let alone the final bills, moving, and setup at my sister's costs)
I am probably going to be mostly offline for awhile when I get to her house...I just can't afford the ISP, modem, and extra phone line right now. Hell, I can't even afford my car payment (which is quickly coming due AGAIN and me without last month's payment yet.) Let's not even get into the fact that tomorrow is my oh-so-very-important follow-up with the hematologist. I'm supposed to be getting a new CBC (complete blood count) and if needed, another iron booster. I know it's needed. I can tell that I've lost too much blood this past month and that my counts are low again. I can feel it. But, I never got the COBRA and I'm already out to them several thousand dollars...not like I can really squeak by another visit/treatment. As it is, they've been calling like every single day for three weeks now trying to find out what's going on with my COBRA, the outstanding debt, and such. I just don't need this. I really don't need this level if shitty stress ontop of my already fucked up life.
My sister's supposed to be coming over today to hang out...I was excited to see her and get out a bit, but now, I just want to curl up and sleep. Forget that anything is happening and shut out the world for awhile.
Jeez, I must be tired...here it is only 3:30am and I'm laying down to sleep. Go figure. I think it's a new record for me.
Not that I have any reason to stay up, but I don't have any reason to go to bed either...
Got the pc up and pretty much all restored. (didn't know Office 2000 took an hour to install on it's own...damn Mircosoft products... *grumble grumble*) Helps that most of everything was on the backup/secondary drive. Just had to download and install a few things.
*yawn* Tired. Going to bed. Don't know if this will post. Having problems with my pop account and now that I think about it, I believe the domain was being moved to a new server this week. Perhaps that's why. I'll try to post this once, if not, I'm going to bed and you guys can read it tomorrow.
Just the briefest little update for anyone trying to reach me today...
As anyone who regulars my haunts knows by now, my primary harddrive has been corrupted (bad sectors) for months now. It's caused no end of troubles including a horrid, general instability with the entire system.
I'm happy to report that my Love spent many hours here (having arrived after work at five and only leaving a few moments ago) fixing it for me. I'm now the proud owner of a 19gig primary harddrive with {most} all of my vital backups (html, pages, images, photos, etc) still on my meagerly tiny 3gig harddrive. Both are successfully in place. However, anyone who understands what changing harddrives from a fresh format means knows that I have A LOT to go back in and restore. From redownloading programs (like WinAmp, WinZip, etc.) to reconfiguring my email, to installing the NUMEROUS programs from Office, to Photoshop, to Paintshop, etc.
In short, I have A LOT of work to do tonight getting everything back in place.
I'm sure there's things I forgot to save (probably icq contacts or something) so bear with me. I'll have a nice, longer posts on the merits of his help once I'm up and more back to normal. It's always so weird when you start with a new harddrive again. Things seem so new and fresh. Weird. :)
ARG! It's FREEZING in here today! What the hell? For the last couple weeks, it's been like 85-90 degrees each day...HOT and miserable. All of a sudden, I'm shivering. It's only supposed to be like high 60's/low 70's today. Where did this come from? Honestly, I'm not complaining-the summer will be long and brutal as usual soon enough-but wow! took me by surprise. It's supposed to be in the mid-to-upper 40's tonight! In Florida!
Last night was night two without him here...again, I couldn't get myself into bed before 5am. I just couldn't bear to be in bed, alone, cold, and without his arms to hold me. I'm used to falling asleep on his chest and to not have that nor him in the house at all leaves me so restless and scared.
I don't know what my life is going to be like anymore. The little things, the silly things like my friend Rand, and the two of us going to get breakfast (at like 1pm since I sleep late!) on weekends. Or how we always tend to drift toward common places like Target, BestBuy, etc. Getting together just to watch a new DVD release, or play games. What is my life going to be 20 miles further away from anything and everything I've grown used to these last three years? Moving away, distancing myself from anything I've ever had or been.
I may have this stupid site and a lot of friends online, but damnit! It's just not the same. I have the bare minimum handful of friends in real life. I just don't get along well with people. (mainly because I hate people as a whole). So now, I lose that and them (for they are friends with him as well). Take turns to hang out? Force my friends to choose? (like Rand who's known my Love longer?) Not to mention the fact that I've never NEEDED a lot of friends. I had my best friend in him. So I'm losing not only the love of my life, but my best friend as well. And that hurts.
Who am I going to watch hockey games with? Stupid things that are so meaningless and trivial, but make the whole of my life. The little things that fill my days with something beyond bitterness and anger. The sparkling jewels of a good time that I'm losing. I feel like I've been robbed-vandalized of my most valuable and precious possessions. There's this great sense of being a victim. Of being violated on a very personal level.
And then I think what the end of the month also brings (and I chide myself for thinking selfish thoughts like this admits this hell). After April comes May. And, come May 16th, my birthday. My birthday alone. How raw and painful that is. It's like torture. And I think what cruel and unusual punishment it is that this is happening so close to this date. It's just a day, I know, but it's MY day. My birthday. And I'll be busy crying in my cake. Just some stupid family-only celebration (since there'll be no Love nor friends to attend) How sad and pathetic is that...? I'm used to having a little gathering, an excuse to have a simple, but fun outing or get-together. This year, there's no such thing to look forward to. Don't even get me started on the fact I won't be able to enjoy my rarest of rare treats-a fondue dinner at the Melting Pot. It's that once or twice a year treat that I make a point of incorporating into my birthday. This year, no Love, no wonderful, intimate dinner.
I have to go. I need to get up and away from this computer. I haven't left this chair (his. another thing to both remind me of him and what I am losing as well as remind me how pathetic my situation is in the fact I have no chair to replace it when he takes it back) all day. I haven't eaten and while I still don't want to, I can feel my stomach grumbling in annoyance. My mom told me the other day I looked terribly skinny and asked if I lost weight. At the time I said no, but now, as I look at myself, I see she is right. I am losing weight and I don't have it to spare...
Just tack it onto the list of things that I'm losing...
Just a note. (like the post I just made wasn't long enough...) Thanks to the amazing Orb I have a new toy in the blogger...you'll notice at the end of each post now is a link marked "Discuss" It opens a new window that allows you to make a comment on the post. Everyone's welcome to use it. :)
Thanks for the tip Orb! For those of you who may have a blog and would like to use it (user friendly!) just go here: Blog Voices It's pretty nifty. -m
There is so much that I want to talk about but none of it wants to be spoken.... (or in this case, typed)
Let's start off Light We went to the Renn Faire one last time (we had free tickets that we never used and I desperately wanted to go again in search of an item that was already sold *sad*) on Saturday. It was a pretty fun day actually. Weather was hot, there were FAR too many tourists/drunks since it was not only a holiday weekend, but the last weekend before it closed down for the year. For anyone who happened to be at the Bay Area Renaissance Festival on Saturday, April 14th, would have been in for a bit of an odd treat...the 2:45pm show of the Tartooga Twins, got to see my Love and I selected as *the* people to use for their skit. It was their three musketeers skit in which they each (there's three) profess how they were the better Musketeer because of (insert reason here). One of the things they said was romance. I ended up being, um...wooed? sorta...by all three. The third gave me a rose as he spouted poetry. Of course, this is the last thing I needed as my relationship is in tatters. The highlight of it was, however, that I was clever but Scaramooch (the blond of the three) was even more so.
At one point, he says, "She looks like the kind of woman who would kiss at the drop of a hat..." He was wearing a hat, and so promptly tosses it to the ground and makes goofy kissy gestures at me. I laugh and turn to my Love who was wearing a ball cap. I knock it off his head and kiss him. The audience "oohs" because I got what I thought was the last laugh in. Undaunted, he comes running to us, knocks my Love's hat off again and kisses him himself! Ack! Needless to say, he freaked and had to chug more Guinness to kill the effect. The new joke now is that he kissed a guy. To which, of course, he turns bright red and stammers, "No, he kissed ME!"
After that, we didn't stay long. He wasn't feeling good and we didn't really have money anyway. Did get a neat silver ear cuff, but the overly cool angel wings they had the first time we went were of course, gone. I wanted to cry. Been wanting a pair for years now. Just never seem to get them. It sucks because it means yet another Halloween will come and go and I won't have them. (Like I can even seriously think that far ahead right now...)
Now, the not so happy (ok, downright horrible) It's pretty much official. We've broken up. Of course, it's weird because both of us are sobbing and reaching out to each other more then ever before...emails, phone calls, visits, etc. Last night was the first night that he didn't sleep here. He packed up his clothes and went to a friends (locally) to stay there. He came back over once and said he drove by another two times out of worry for me being here by myself. I was up until after 5am before I finally convinced my body that I needed to get some semblance of sleep. I was so scared last night It was so very, very dark, lonely, and quiet in here. The bed felt like it was massively huge. The shadows loomed and shifted. There was both odd noises and too much silence. I was literally like a child who's afraid of monsters under the bed. I kept having to stop myself from thinking about the fact that I was alone in the apartment. Every noise made me jump. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to ignore the rising panic that I felt; the dread and the mindless terror.
Gods, I'm so not like that normally.
But I felt so very, very vulnerable. Like I was at the mercy of whatever evil would befall me. I was even scared when I was in the shower. Kept thinking of stupid things like "Psycho" It sounds silly now-it's still the middle of the afternoon-but, when you're scared and alone (and you're not used to either), your mind just runs in these horrible circles, flashing images of things that are cruel, frightening, and unstoppable. Things that could happen to you.
+.+.+
from an except of an email discussion we exchanged this afternoon...trying to imagine what I will be doing with my life beyond US is something I not only can't imagine, it's something I don't WANT to imagine. I know that there's something wrong (among modern psychology anyway) with considering someone else to fill in your empty spaces; completing you; making you whole. But that's how you are for me. You fill in all those places within me that are hollow and missing. I need that to be whole. And so to move out of here; to be away from you; to uproot my life and start over is tearing out pieces of myself. I don't know what if anything will be left. Why do you think I cling so damn hard to what I have? Why do you think I need you so badly? Why do you think I sob in-between moments of seeing you?? It's because each time you walk out the door, you rip away another piece of me. I'm too fragmented as it is...
{phone call-you of course}
Silly you. Making me laugh as I'm crying. How do you do that? It's those pieces I miss...like finding happiness in things. YOU give that to me. And I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to try to do it for myself. Because I can't. I'm just not strong enough for this. I'm really not. I can be strong for you. I can help you, comfort you, hold you, but I can't be strong enough for myself. It's always been my weakness...save the world, can't even save myself....
I feel like I should hate you. Like I should just rage against this pain you've brought on. The way my life is no longer mine to control...but I can't. I LOVE YOU. Nothing has changed that, nor the depth of the emotion. All that love without a way to express it or you to receive it...it leaves me hollow on the inside because of it. Dead space where that love is...wherever it filled me, it's numb and burning all at once.
I don't know what to do. I can't even sleep because I don't want another moment to pass and take me further away from you-away from us...
+.+.+
So, this is where I am. Lost and confused. Feeling like everything in my world is falling apart.
*sigh*
The Rest Worked on my first newsletter in I don't know how long last night. Need to get the people who want it from the forum to sign up...for the moment, it's just the people who have emailed me in the past or signed my guestbook. Turned out pretty good. For some stupid reason though, I can't get it to save properly when I try to post it in an archive for people to view. I'll keep working on it. (the reason that it's being difficult is that it's a nicely laid-out HTML format newsletter but the html is being weird for some reason) If you wanted to subscribe or unsubscribe, just go here
Came to the horrible realization that when I move to my sisters, I will no longer have a cable modem. There is no DSL or Cable modem service there yet. (can you say "backwater?") This means, I need to go out and actually BUY a regular 56K modem, subscribe to a dialup service (any suggestions? Heard Earthlink was good...also have Verizon locally), pay for a second phone line (since she has a computer and will need it for her net time as well), and deal with the S L O W connection times. It will be just impossible for me to maintain anything with any regularity. I'm so used to zipping around, whizzing across the information superhighway in my digital Mustang (hey, I have one in real life, why not online too?), browsing across a dozen pages/sites at once...ugh. This is gonna hurt.
Speaking of cable modem...ugh. Damn thing keeps going out on me. I don't know why. This is the third time today that it just drops. I am on, and then...oops, server not responding. I look down and the little green "cable" light on the modem is blinking (meaning, it's plugged into the coax, but no signal) I don't know if they're having IP problems or what. See, you only get like a four hour lease on the IP address, then it renews. So, if when my four hours is up, if it can't renew, I go out for a few minutes. Today, it's been as much as ten minutes. Weird. Never used to do that. I know it's not the cable itself since the tv's on in the living room and I hear it go without interruption. (Hey, I need the noise in here, so no harassment about wasted power, ok?)
In case anyone's wondering, I've been writing on this entry for the better part of the whole day now. Haven't posted it since I get distracted, forget about, do something else, then come back and add more. It's weird. I should just upload it and get it over with, but there's just all this stupid need to ramble on and on before I call it done. Maybe I'll just go post it now and then start a new one. This will be only a slightly large post, but hell, I'm trying to do anything and everything to keep from thinking about the other stuff in my life. (like the fact this is night two being alone)
I'm out for now I guess. More will come. I have this psychotic need to write.
*note: Yes, I did finally get the damn archiving thing to work, so there's the 10 latest entries here on the main page, with the other posts available by week. Just scroll down to the bottom where it says "Archive" and click it for the rest. Thanks*
I have other things to say, but for right now, this song is running through my head and I can't help but listen to it over and over, crying as my voice cracks...it's by Sarah McLachlin on her Surfacing CD or her Rairities, B-Sides, and Others albums. (both highly recommended)
Anyway...
Full Of Grace
the winter here's cold, and bitter it's chilled us to the bone we haven't seen the sun for weeks too long; too far from home I feel just like I'm sinking and I claw for solid ground I'm pulled down by the undertow I never thought I could feel so low oh darkness I feel like letting go
if all of the strength and all of the courage come and lift me from this place I know I could love you much better than this full of grace full of grace my love
so it's better this way, I said having seen this place before where everything we say and do hurts us a little more its just that we stayed, too long in the same old sickly skin I'm pulled down by the undertow I never thought I could feel so low oh darkness I feel like letting go...
if all of the strength and all of the courage come and lift me from this place I know I could love you much better than this full of grace full of grace my love I know I could love you much better then this it's better this way...
