I probably know more about my Love then any other one person right now. Almost three years together - seperated by no more then a few days ever at one time - and I've heard so many things; stories, misadventures, childhood, dreams, passions, ideas, humor, stress, pain, longing, hurt, fear, joy, thrill, etc...all the range of emotion and mind and yet I realized it is the barest tip of the iceburg. There is so much more below the surface I've managed to explore. There's a whole world I've yet to know or see or feel or hear. There's a depth and dimension I don't even know about...
And now, I never will...
He was relating some silly story to my sister and I the other day and as I sat there listening, my mind half-drifted and I realized I has never heard this from him before. The story made me laugh - he always can bring a smile and honest giggle from me no matter what is going on - and it came to me that there are so many more tales I want to hear. I love the silly (and sometimes stupid) things he has done. I love the way he puts FAR too many erroneous details into a story. I love the way he'll get off track, pause, and then laughing, pick it back up.
I love all that. And I want to hear it all. I want that lifetime of conversation and company. I want to be that old lady rocking on the porch with my old man husband, reminising about times long past, places long visited, and memories long shared. I want that. I want those spinning tales of adventure - both good and bad.
I want to hear the stories from before and make up new ones...
Sorry, I'm crying again. It just hurts. There's so much I want that I can't touch and I'll never hold again. All those little moments are gone...fading off into obvilion and they'll never come again. They're gone and yet I'm standing here, alone, and empty, waiting for them to come back. But they won't and that hurts...
Little more then a day left. A day. One stupid turn of the planet and that's it. Game over, the end, time's up. The party's over but I'm still standing there. The guests have left, the music's gone quite, the lights are dimmed. There's nothing left but torn and used fragments. And I'm still standing there. Hoping that the people will just turn around and come back again. Just a moment. Just one more song...but they won't. And I stand there. Waiting for nothing. But, waiting because I have to...
It's not that I've not had things to report, it's that I just can't talk anymore about it right now. We've come down all the way to the last moment of this sad affair and with so many things left to do, I'm beyond overwhelmed...
I need to go pack. I haven't packed anything (hardly) yet. A handful of boxes...I'm just stalling...I don't want to do it...
Packing of course, means that you wind up facing all those things that you put aside to hold on to...things that have no real meaning, but you want to keep nonetheless. One of those things I just found -and yes, I am packing at 4:20am- was a bit of my old writings. (way back from my high school days)
One item struck me. And I wonder now, with my jaded eyes, if I ever truly was this innocent, this believing...I know that I am no longer and can't help but question if that makes me weaker or stronger...
In tragedy and despair, when an endless night seems to have fallen Hope can be found in the realization that the companion to night is not another night. That the companion to night is day; that darkness always gives way to light, and that death rules only half of creation, life the other half.
It's pretty pathetic when you go out to the store just so you can get some jelly beans that you didn't really want just so that you got out of the house to keep yourself from killing someone and since there's no one around, keeping from turning to yourself.
*sigh*
I'm supposed to be packing. I only have to move Saturday and I haven't gotten anything accomplished. I just DON'T want to do this. Move, pack, lose what little control is left in my life. This is going to just suck. There's not a single thing good about it. I'm already having panic attacks about stupid things like making sure I get my mail and that my resumes have the wrong address on them and shit like that. It's like if I don't focus on these chaotic little worries screaming through my head, I'll stop and think about the bigger ones and then I don't know what I'll do.
I can't even begin to express the sweeping range of horror, fear, hurt, and all-around despair I feel lately. It's so consuming. I feel like a caged animal that knows it's going to the slauter and there's nothing it can do but bash it's head against the walls and scream. But, all that rage and mindless struggle is useless. Time still ticks down and I get closer and closer to being forced into a place and a life I don't want any part of. I just want to curl up and die and yet I'm made to go on. Move closer and closer to this sheer death of self. Death of ME. I kick and scream and cry and I still have to do it. How can I do it? How can I surrender myself up to this sacrifice? I can't and so I'm lost in this blind fight to stop it from happening.
I hate being so weak and powerless. I hate having no say in my life. I hate that my life is no longer my own and that my future is beyond whatever choices I might want to make. It's coming along, sweeping me up, delivering me to the butcher regardless of my dreams.
A note for those concerned: The stuff was so nasty last night that I didn't even choke down the whole bottle (single serve bottles like beer or winecoolers, lest someone think I mean a full bottle of liquer) and so I felt no change and had no effect. No fuzzy void or "buzz" even. Nothing but a bad taste in my mouth and a rancidly strong smell of the alcohol in the air from the remaining liquid in the bottle. In short, I am a failure yet in drinking. I wonder if it's a sad thing that I've yet to ever be drunk or that society considers that fact odd. All I know is that I am yet aching with this endless hurt and I just want it to stop.
Who can make this pain go away? Who can take this burden from me? Cover my eyes with this warm darkness and leave me quite and still in silence? It's all I want. I crave not the success or advancement of any "career." I crave not the words for the countless stories I have always wished to write and publish. I crave not monetary comfort nor wealth. Just this ever ellusive and unending darkness. Where this pain does not exist and this mind can find peace in nothingness...
I watched Interview with the Vampire last night and it was said perfect there...but most of all, I longed for a release from the pain of living...
Oh kindess...grant me this one mercy. Where all other pleas have gone unheard...grant this one request. Release me from this pain...
Sitting here, next to me, open as I wince (gods I have NO taste for alcohol) and sip, is a bottle of Jack Daniel's Blackberry Jack "Country Cocktails" I'll have everyone know this is a first for me. I hate the taste of anything alcoholic. I don't drink. Never have. Never made it past a few sips. Tonight, I'm thinking of changing that. I just sit here or I sit on the couch or I sit on my bathroom counter and look in the mirror. And I don't like what I see. I mean, I like the hair color and what not, but that's not what I mean.
I no longer like myself. I no longer like my life. I no longer find any joy, comfort, or hope left in it.
I no longer feel anything except pain, emptiness, and suffering. I no longer know what's real and what's dillusion.
I no longer take comfort in my sensibilities. I no longer tust my thoughts or actions. I no longer find solace in keeping mindlessly busy.
I no longer like myself.
And I don't know what to do about that. So I'm drinking this nasty assed thing - as it's the only non-beer alcohol in the house and no matter what it is, I'll hate it - and wondering what the fuck has become of me. I thought once I had found happiness and that it was a compaion to my days and a base to my nights for all the moments to come. And now, it's not only missing from my life, but leaving me so very very hollow and empty on the inside.
Gods, I haven't cried like this in days. I thought the numbness had taken me into it's blind embrace, but I know now I was fooling myself into not feeling it. But it's still there. It still hurts so bad. And I don't know what to do to make it stop. I want it to stop so bad. I just want the pain to end. I can't take this hurt. This aching knife in my gut. I'm sick with this suffering and I'm sobbing trying to vainly find shallow words to express this pain.
make it stop. please mae it stop. i cant' go on like this i just can't keep hurtng. i don't wnat these things I dont' want this pain, i just want escape and it's not coming...i just don't want to hurt anymore. i have a week now. a week left pretending my life's not over. i move this weekend. no more life. no more love. no more happiness no more friends no more fun. it's like i;m dead, but i know I'm not because it still hurts and it won't stop. it'd be so much better if it were,. then the pain couldn't folow me and i wouldn't have to sit here ALONE and cry to no one.
i just dont care. i don't want to do anything, be anywhere do anything. i just want blissful oblivion. endless warm darkness. just make it stop hurting like this. i am so alone and i can't do it. i can't be here like this hurting. no one knows how bad this is and how desperate i am. i cant be aloen like this i just cant. make it stop make it sto0p make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop amke it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it sopt make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop
please gods just make it stop how can i be this cold? like ice in my veins yet it doesn't numb me.....so cold, make it stop......
Ok, first of all, this whole dying your hair thing is A LOT harder then it looks. DAMN. And it's VERY messy. Holy shit, my entire bathroom was this funky shade of purple when I was done. Second, the next time I decide to do something like this, I'm having someone else apply the stuff. It's just too damn hard to evenly coat your hair. I ended up with more like highlights then a full head of redish hair. It's weird. I even did it, waited, rinsed, dried it, saw it wasn't enough, and saturated it again. You really need to use A LOT of the actual dye. When you think you have too much, add more. Use the whole damn bottle. And make sure, you get it along the hairline itself - otherwise, it's really screwy looking. Here's the stuff I used by the way. Easy enough. Just open the one bottle, pour it into the other, shake and apply. Didn't smell bad - actually, didn't smell like anything - and didn't irritate my skin at all (and it's really sensitive). Let me tell you though, those ten minutes you have to wait are like the longest in your life! =)
Man, I really need to have someone either help me, or pay someone to do it next time. I like the results colorwise, but it's just not nearly even enough. My hair is so very dark normally that wherever I didn't literally drown it in color, it's still very much brown. Like I said, looks more like I hightlighted it. It's kinda weird though seeing myself with redish hair. Although it's cool. Just makes my already almost black eyebrows look even blacker! *lol* I can't wait to see what it looks like in daylight. The only mirror in the house is in the bedroom and that's a shitty light. Wonder what my Love will think??
What? Oh, you want to see what it looks like yourself? *grin* I'll show ya, hold on. I just have to mention that my stupid scanner went shitty again. Remember I was just saying how it used to fill the entire surface area with shades of horrid yellow and green? Well, it did that when I tried to scan the result. No problem yesterday, no problem earlier when I did the "before" scan, just problem now. I even tried rebooting, thinking perhaps I was low on resources and that was causing a problem. Nope. No good. So, sorry, the pic is horrible. It's mostly all yellow. (and this is after trimming the bed size down to almost nothing.) It's hard to see, but yes, there is a difference. It's rather subtle, but looks pretty cool.
Ready for it...?
Sure...?
So, what do you think? *just ignore the stupid, stupid ugly yellow bar. There's nothing I can do to get rid of it and for whatever reason, the scanner is hating me*
Hard to tell, I know, but kinda cool, hu? I like it anyway. Actually, now I'm really eager to do it again with someone's help to get it more even and actually leave it on more then the standard ten minutes to make it more intense. (it says you can leave it in up to 20 minutes) Of course, this being the first time I did it, I had no idea what to expect.
Anyway, I need to go to bed. This was a LONG evening and I have a shit load of emotional packing to do tomorrow. Have a good one all...
...zzz...
ps: I probably won't be online much if at all tomorrow. My Love will be over helping me pack up and probably spend all day doing that. If I'm on, it won't be until the evening/night. I'm sure I'll have more to report then...probably more crying as well. But at least tonight I did one thing kinda productive without crying. Hey, it's a start.
hee hee....do you know how hard it is to get your hair laid down on a scanner bed, close the lid (without closing it, it just wasn't coming out right), and starting the scan? Hee hee...anyway, this is my hair. Yuppers, that's it. So...this is the "before" Untouched, just resized smaller and compressed a bit for dowloading ease.
*gulp*
The "after" will come in a bit. Just have to read the directions another 10 times, get ready and do it.
