given.eyes.to.see dot com | the ever changing status of m v6.0: spring in bloom

A reminder for those who don’t read this regularly… I am OFFLINE and can NOT receive any email. I am typing these entries up on my sister’s computer offline then connecting just quickly enough on her dialup modem to publish them. I still have no ETA when I will be back online, so for now, please be patient and know I miss being there FAR more then you miss me! *smiles* (Yes, I AM an official internet junkie – I admit it!)

--feedback on my feedback---oh and Sphynx, I don't know about any other browsers, but I know that Netscape does NOT load .bmp format pics since it's window/ie native. Maybe some of the less used ones do, but of the two biggies (IE & Netscape) only IE does--on to the entry...---

Boredom, Hurting, and Monotony
Oh yes, my ever-present friend these days. I am bored all the time. There’s just nothing to do, nothing to get up for, nothing planned and nothing to accomplish. I find I can only sleep when I am literally ready to drop. I am barely eating a half a meal a day (I am still without a job so I have no money and in turn, no food to eat). I am uncomfortable, ill at ease, and achy from the need to conform to life at my sisters. Her spare bed is a mattress on a solid wood frame (no box spring) and, as such, is like sleeping on a rock or the floor. I wake up stiff, sore, and with pain from head to waist from it. My back hurts, my neck aches, and my head spins. I’ve been taking both Excedrin (when possible since I need to take it with food) AND Aleve every day to try to get through the soreness. It’s horrible. I’m tossing and turning, waking up many, many times a night (something I usually NEVER do), and generally feeling like I’m getting NO rest or release from consciousness. It’s horrible and there’s nothing I can do about it. Gods, I need some sleep though! Some comfortable, solid, RESTFUL sleep! Some days this lack of sleeping thing feels the worst since it’s such a dramatically physical burden on top of the already painful emotional one. If I had a credit card, I would be out buying a new mattress/box spring/bed set TODAY it’s that bad…

I have such a headache as I type this, but it’s not like it’s going to go away if I go lay down, so I might as well do something…

Shopping Vicariously
Yesterday, I had some errands to run back down around my old place. My sister shifted her schedule and took the night off. She drove down, we got my stuff done and then went to the mall. Got some food (by that point, I was ravenous since all I had was some scrambled eggs the day before and nothing so far until then) and then followed her around to look for a “little black skirt” so she could wear to go out on Saturday. (she’s got plans to hit this new club with her friend and has actually been trying to get me to go with her to ‘get out’) Anyway, it took just about forever for her to find one (in Sears of all places – we just stopped to use their lady’s room!). It sucked because I didn’t even bother seriously looking at anything, let alone trying anything on since I’m sure I would have wanted something and that would just be cruel. I can’t even remember the last time I bought any clothes – let alone the last time I even tried clothes on. =( Oh well, no matter how much I may want my wardrobe to get updated, I think I will just have to do what I always do: wait. At the same time though, I’m sick of getting slack that I don’t wear ‘trendy’ clothes. Sorry, last time I bought clothes, it was probably like 5 years ago. Everything I wear is everything I’ve worn for years. Gets annoying, but it’s just never a high priority on my list of things to spend my too-few-and-far-in-between paychecks on.

Disney DVD
After shopping, I ran over to my friend’s house and watched “The Emperor’s New Groove” which he just bought on dvd. Eh, it was humorous, but nothing great. All the little blurbs kept saying “the funniest since Aladdin!” and I found that a gross exaggeration. Aladdin was FAR funnier. I mean, it made me laugh – David Spade was his perfect whiney self – but, I just didn’t think there was much to it. The animation was only ok and the plot was rather non-existent. No real good-and-evil-cookie-cutter characters and (I thought anyway) no real looming moral. I mean, it was kinda there, but not like normal. Eh, all in all, it was just ok.

The Mummy Returns
So…a group of my friends/my Love’s friends invited me to go see the Mummy 2 with them tomorrow. Me, but not him. They wanted me to get out, have fun, and remember they are my friends too. It’s weird though. I’ve never really hung out with them without him and I can’t help feel a little scared/hesitant/leery/scared about it all. It’s just kinda uncomfortable even though I know they mean it to be comforting. We’re supposed to see it at this cool theater REALLY far away from where I’m living now (can you say like 2 hours?) that only admits 21 and up since they serve alcohol and weird foods like sushi and such. Lucky for me, I already asked if I can meet someone down where I used to live and then ride the rest of the way with them. Otherwise, I’d be using FAR too much gas and driving FAR too long just to see a movie. As it is, my friend Rand said he’d pay for my ticket since he really wants me to get out and knows I can’t afford it myself. I’m both looking forward to actually having SOMETHING to do, and hesitant since it’s without my Love and is going to feel so lonely and awkward. (I just hope the movie’s good so it distracts me!)

Kush-Ka: My Little Grey Cat
I miss him. I keep going over to my mom’s to hang out over there and I try to spend some time with him. Playing, petting, hugging – just being with him. It sucks that he’s not around. I’m so used to having him follow me like a little grey shadow everywhere I go. He sleeps on my bed, he curls up on my lap with me on the couch, he snuggles up by the fireplace in the winter when we’re huddling for warmth. He’s my cat. I’ve had him since he was a tiny kitten and he’s now eleven. Needless to say, that’s a long time and so it’s weird seeing my sister’s cats around, but not him. Don’t get me wrong, I think my sister’s cats (all four of them) are great, and I pet them and everything all the time, but it’s not Kush. It’s just not the same. I see their own little personalities and I think how much I want to see HIS little personality. It just really sucks and makes me feel that much more out of place.

Save the Last Dance
My Love had his company’s annual banquet yesterday. The conference he’s been working at all week always has a semi-formal dinner/dancing shindig on one of the nights. Generally, it’s an excuse to get dressed up, get a decent meal, and socialize with his company. (who, in case no one remembers, used to be MY company – it’s where I met him) Everyone’s always happy to see me, wants to chat, see how things are going, etc. I get to wear something nice and it’s not so much that it’s fun just as it’s different. It’s also something we’d be doing together. I liked the feeling of him being proud having me on his arm; how he’d introduce me and show me off to people he works with (that I don’t know). I just liked the excuse to wow them all and show them how good we looked together.

Anyway, it was last night. And as I sat in t-shirt and baggy boxer shorts watching ER from my sister’s loveseat, he was at the banquet. I couldn’t help but break down crying last night because of it. Not that I really wanted to go that badly, but that I’m no longer at his side like that.

It’s weird, I find myself mostly numb and empty over it all. Just so very, very sad that I can’t really do, say, or express how much it hurts. But sometimes, the stupidest little thing will just set me off sobbing. Yesterday it was that he was at the banquet alone without me. It just hurt and I couldn’t stop myself from crying.

I just miss him so much. I can’t even relate how I don’t feel like I’m me anymore. Like I don’t feel like I’m alive and in the world anymore. I feel like this left-over figment, just floating around, oblivious as the rest of the world speeds past me.

I dunno. It’s just so hollow. I have no direction and I am just floating…drifting and I don’t know what to do about anything. Everything is far too daunting and I can’t figure out how to accomplish any of it. Hell, I haven’t unpacked anything since the first night I was in here. The rest just sits and so do I.

I have to go. My neck is literally spazzing in pain right now. Gods, I need his strong hands to help make this pain go away. He was always so good at rubbing my neck, helping me relax and get rid of these evil headaches. It’s little things like this that he did for me, that I can’t do for myself that make me realize how much I miss him and how much apart of my life and myself he was.

…and I miss you…like the deserts miss the rain…

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 5/4/2001 03:56:21 PM ~ ~

I am officially going crazy not being online. Arg. It’s sheer hell since not only am I used to being able to access it at any time, but that I enjoy the company and diversion of my email, forum, and sites I frequent. It’s weird. I feel so very out of touch. It’s making it harder to accept that this is not just a couple day thing. I feel like I’m in a hotel still – like I’ll be back in my own home in a few days. But I won’t and that’s so weird.

So, this is what I am doing. I am sitting offline right now on my sister’s pc, typing this entry up in Word. It sucks (you should see all the errors I’m making before I correct them!) because she has a standard keyboard and as everyone knows by now, I’m spoiled on my ergonomic one. Once you get used to the “split” keyboards you just can’t go back!

I don’t know how many or how often these entries will come – after all, I am using her computer, her internet, and her phone line to publish them – but I will try to continue them since I really find keeping my journal is a very therapeutic habit for me. I just need to log my feelings and events and maintaining the journal is the best way to do that.

So…..what’s new?
(**warning, this will be long since I have DAYS of stuff to mention**)

My Ever Trouble-Making Computer
Even though my Love just fixed my pc for me no more then a few weeks ago, replacing my primary hard drive, cd-rom drive, and floppy drive, I suddenly am faced with a non-working a-drive again. Damn floppies suck enough as it is, but when you’re stuck without the ability to get files off your computer (can’t email, can’t burn them, can’t save them on disk) it’s really aggravating. Point in case: I needed to update my resume with my new contact information. There’s some company that my mother’s husband’s daughter (did you get all that?) works at locally. Casual dress, casual environment. Pay pretty much sucks (although it’s apparently good for this shitty area) but hey, it’s a job. Anyway, her company is hiring several positions which apparently are open to “PC literate” candidates. *rolleyes* Needless to say, I’m sure it’s menial general duty office work, but currently, I have zero bucks to my name, no food, and an empty gas tank. Right now, money of any kind is a welcome change from the living-off-the-generosity-of-my-family I’ve been at this last week. After I’m done with this entry, I’ll be actually taking my sister’s printer into my room, hooking it up, installing it and printing the resume stuck on my hard drive. Annoyingly silly for something so small isn’t it?

The Final Night
Well, it took me until literally Monday night at about midnight for me to finish loading up the last of the items from the apartment. I think I was supposed to have turned in the key by the close of the office at 6pm or something, but oh well, I couldn’t do it. It was just FAR too much for me to do alone and since it was painful and hard for us to get things done being so emotional over it all, my Love and I didn’t accomplish much despite the fact he was coming over for a couple hours a night. The last night was bad. He was pissed, upset, and generally wanted to be out of there and out of the situation. We fought and he left and I stayed to finish because what else could I do? The place was pretty much trashed by the time that I was done – I actually had to leave several large boxes of trash (unwanted clothes mainly) in the place since I could not lift them or carry them to the dumpster. My friend Rand came over with his Jeep to help load up the last boxes for me since they were never going to fit in the Mustang. I don’t know what I would have done had he not come over. I would have been just totally screwed. Needless to say, I’m not planning on getting my deposit back, but that’s ok since we moved in two years ago on a $99 special. They’d take that much out for cleaning/shampooing the rug even if I did spend all the time cleaning it anyway. Thing I think they will be most pissed over though is that I have yet to turn in the mailbox key. When my Love left, he forgot to give me his set of keys. So, I gave them my house key and the spare house key, but didn’t want to give up my mailbox key since I only got my change of address form in today. (eep) There’s still going to be mail and I didn’t know if he was ever going to be able to get it. Yes, he’s still living in the area, but stuck at a hotel on-call 24/7 for his company’s conference this week. Tomorrow, I’ll run down there and check it out to see what we got. I don’t know if I should turn in the key then or not since I really want to check it at least once more at the end of the week. I have no idea how long it’s going to take the post office to start forwarding things and I don’t want to end up missing important documents like my car insurance.

It was so sad driving away from there. It was like suddenly I just knew I didn’t live there anymore. Once I turned in that key, forget it. I was out of there officially. It was weird. Suddenly, I no longer had my OWN home. I had no place that was MINE. I was now living at my sister’s house and that was it. I can’t describe the sense of loss and desperation it made me feel. The way that I just completely felt like I was the biggest failure. It was horrible and yet I was in so much pain, I literally could not cry. I wanted to, felt it there waiting, but just could not. I was so overwhelmed it was like there was nothing more I could do to express the emotion.

My Phone Rang
A couple days before I moved, I made a seemingly extravagant purchase, but one that I really needed for several reasons. I bought a cell phone. It’s the first time in like two years that I’ve had one (boy have I missed it). It’s so cute. Little blue Nokia 5165. Anyway, I wanted it so that I’d be contactable. I have no home phone anymore and don’t answer my sisters. I also have been feeling very, very alone and needed something to reach out to other people. Especially when driving. It’s just different knowing that you are completely by yourself and that no one is waiting on you. You feel that much more isolated. Anyway, right now, it’s my security blanket.

Point is, that I had sent a message the first day to my good friend Orb, giving her a quick status update. I wanted to make sure that at least SOMEONE had made touch with me. That SOMEONE knew I was here, what was going on, and how things were. In the course of the email, I also gave her my updated contact information. This way, at the very least, she could write me a physical letter if all else failed. (since until I can hook up MY pc, I can not get email). Well, surprise, surprise, I’m over at my mom’s this eveing, chatting, visiting, and generally killing time since it’s not like there’s anything else pressing I need to do – when my phone rings. I look at the number and fail to recognize it, but of course, answer it anyway. How was I supposed to know that it was the One and Only Orb!? *smiles* It was so cool actually getting to talk to her. I’ve often found it funny that I consider her one of my best friends and yet after over two years, I’ve never actually spoken to her. Today, we proved that neither is a figment of the other’s imagination! It was such a pleasant surprise. Wow. Connection with a friend…novel concept.

Anyway, she called with some good news. Apparently, she has in her possession, something that I need and lack the money to get. A 56k modem. (yeah!) She really had to twist my arm (*snickers*) but I finally agreed to having her send it to me. This is great since it’s one step closer to getting online myself!! Yeah! Yeah! YEAH!!! (can you tell this makes me happy??) Anyway, I can’t thank her enough for the offer and the (as always) AMAZING generosity. Orb, you rule.

Revisiting Old Friends
A couple days before I moved, I got a call out of the blue from a friend of mine who I hadn’t spoken to in months and months. It’d been a good year or more since we had actually hung out and so his timing was quite ironic. Seems that another friend of mine (whom I’ve known since the 3rd grade!) happened across my site, read my blog, and she immediately put the gears in motion. What it lead to was getting to see both of them yesterday – which was a nice distraction – and reconnecting with both. I really needed it. I’ve been feeling like I have no friends and no “self” and just being around old friends felt good. A bit awkward because of the rest of the situation in my life and the way the sadness encroaches on every topic, but good nonetheless. Watched Galaxy Quest for the 20th time or so (and still laughed continuously), caught most of Buffy (yes, I actually watch it), and then talked for several hours on just about everything. I really needed to just get things out and it was nice to talk to someone that’s not my family. It’s not that I don’t love them, appreciate them, but it’s just not the same. I can’t say the same things, or make them understand the way that my friends can. It’s just different and that’s why you have friends in addition to family.

Playing with The Webcam
In case you somehow missed it, the little pics were taken earlier this evening. (before I watched the ever-amazing show, The West Wing) My sister has a cool little webcam (Logitech Quickcam I think) and I couldn’t help play with it. I really want one even more now, it’s just too cool. Plus, it’s like YES, there IS a REAL person behind all this. Here I am. Of course, I have to get a USB board before I can get one (since I pretty much can’t find a single cam that’s parallel port) and that’s going to be who knows when. But, it’s another thing that is somewhere in the works.

Other People’s Property
By the way, it REALY sucks when you’re not on your computer. The cam only saves the pics in .bmp (bitmap) format which is both huge in file size and proprietary to windows/ie. Any other browser won’t show them, and that’s really sucky. So, I needed to convert them into .jpg’s but unlike my computer, she doesn’t have Paintshop, photoshop, or any other graphical editor. I actually had to download this tiny little image converter file from download.com just so I could make use of the images. Of course, I also don’t have CuteFTP on her machine, so I had to use IE browser to (with much difficulty) access my domain account. Ugh. Yet another reason I can’t wait to get my OWN computer online!

In closing
Jeez. I think this is the longest post I’ve ever written. See what happens when you don’t get to write them daily? I wonder if anyone actually made it through the whole, rambling thing. Hee hee. No, this does NOT mean I’m back online, I’m just stealing enough time to upload this from my sister. I haven’t been to the forum in a week now, so please everyone, behave yourselves for the Mods, ok? Miss everyone. Hope all is well. I’ll try to keep everyone updated – especially since this is all one-way communication. (although, you’re welcome to post feedback and I’ll try to remember to check that when I upload the posts.)

By the way, in case you’re wondering how come I’ve been able to sit here at her computer for over an hour now without her missing it…my sister is out on a date tonight. (oooh….ahhhh….) She’s continually getting date/dinner/movies/dancing requests from guys (I’ll have to publish her pic one of these days!) and sometimes she actually accepts. =)

Ah well. Time to log into the net, wait for the slow connection to establish, load blogger.com and then paste this there. Good thing it’s only 11:15pm. (ha!)

Until again,
-m

ps: I miss my cat. I miss my Love. I miss my internet. I miss my apartment. =(

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 5/2/2001 11:22:08 PM ~ ~