Ok, so I don’t know what to think…my mom says my sister’s being very selfish and she says she’s just trying to get a few non-awkward moments in with her “boyfriend.”
Here’s the deal. This guy she’s kinda seeing the last couple months is leaving to go back to Texas on Thursday. This means she wants some quality…erm…‘alone’ time with him before he leaves. Which I can understand. Thing is, I don’t have anywhere else to be if I’m not here. I went out last night just to give her some privacy, but I really couldn’t stay out late tonight. My mom was mad that I was left in the middle – she felt that my sister was making me a fifth wheel. She thinks that I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m a burden or a pain. She was mad because she found it insulting to me. My sister of course, is just used to having her own home and being able to have quality alone time without her little sister in the next room. She wants to ensure it’s not awkward for either of us and besides, it’s only through tomorrow.
Personally, I can see both sides. It’s weird. I mean, I do feel weird about the fact that tonight, I just literally didn’t have any place to go (my mom was heading to bed and my friend was out with another friend of his own) but I also understand that it’s not that outlandish of her to want some privacy. No matter what, it leaves me stuck in the middle though. The good thing about it all of course, is that for the meantime, since he’s leaving on Thursday, this is not a long-term problem. It will resolve itself because he won’t be around for there to be continued frictions. It’s just another nail in the coffin that is my lack of a “home” of my own though. Reminds me that when all is said and done, at the end of the day, I have no place to go back to that’s MINE. It’s such an empty feeling. There’s nothing pleasant about knowing that you don’t have a home beyond the room you are borrowing from your family. It’s not to say that I’m not thankful for my family, but rather that it still leaves a weird hollowness inside when you know you
have to be dependant on someone else.
I don’t know. I’m trying not to cause trouble with anyone. Just mind my own business and be quite and as much out of the way as I can be until this can pass. It’s not like me to be hiding behind in the shadows – I’m nothing if not an outspoken woman – but with the sadness and depression already looming so large in my life, it’s not hard to just play wallflower for the time being. Sometimes I just think if I’m silent; if I just don’t speak or voice my problems/thoughts/concerns/fears/troubles/etc. that I won’t be bothering anyone. That I can just slide by with as little disturbance as possible. I just want to be out of the way, I want to be mute and stop interfering with everyone’s lives.
It’s weird. My sister came in the room while I was typing this and I had to minimize it and wait for her to leave before I could continue. She didn’t understand how I can have it published on the web for all to read and yet not be comfortable having her read it now. It’s a lot of things though. Yes, I have it for everyone to read, but to me, that’s different. It’s just a distance between me and the writing of it and the actual reading of it by others. Also, when I write it, it’s a work-in-progress. Until I post it, I’m still sorting out what I have to say, what I’m actually saying, and what it’s about. There’s always more then the first couple of sentences that I type out. There’s purpose – even if I don’t go into it with a specific train of thought, it sorts itself out as it’s written. There’s also the fact that if someone that knows me wants to read it, they generally have to find it on their own. I don’t make a point to actively give the address to people, I just have it there because I need to write it and keep it and in some small way, show it. Validate it. I want it known that I am real, that I have joys and sorrows, that I am a real person. Publishing it online allows me the ability to show a piece of myself and my life without the fear of the crowd. Without the stage fright or performance anxiety. It’s real and unabridged. I really don’t hold back when I write it and yet, it’s more real and more honest because of the fact that I show it to everyone. It’s admitting I’m flawed; that I’m not perfect and yet not being ashamed of that. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but when she mentioned that, I had to address it. (again adding to the fact that I don’t come into this with a script – I never would have thought to touch on this aspect of my life had it not come up.)
Anyway…have a hematologist appointment tomorrow. Makes up for the one I missed at the end of April. Will get some new labs and blood counts and
hopefully iron booster. I say hopefully because my doctor is on vacation until the end of the month and I won’t be seeing
him until May 29th. I just don’t want to have to wait that long to get a booster (or two or three…) since I don’t know about my chances of continuing my COBRA through June. (it is a massive $189 a month). Seems that if it’s low, they should be able to use standing orders or get the other doctor’s approval to get it done. But, I won’t know until tomorrow.
Speaking of money…I still have LITERALLY none. Nothing. Totally broke. No income now in over a month. The only money I’ve had is what I’ve borrowed from my family or was given by my Love. (who still helps me out because he cares). It’s very shitty being so desperately poor. Making no money, having no income, and just waiting for someone to come to you. I emailed out some resumes yesterday (had to make a hotmail account just to do it), sent my resume to my Love at his work so he could fax some more, and talked to one of my recruiters who submitted my resume for a position right down the road from where I used to live. (which is good since I’m
defiantly planning on moving back down that way when I move out on my own) Keep your fingers crossed guys, I really need something! (and soon!)
Well, my sister bought some white Zin and keeps offering me some, so maybe I’ll go try a glass. You guys all know that I’ve been the biggest non-drinker ever until all this happened…now I’ve been trying to overcome my aversion and give into a little numbness. Still can’t seem to abide the taste (bleck) of alcohol itself, but I’m working on it. Not getting drunk, just not being so damned stressed.
Hope all are well. Wish me luck on getting a job SOON since I’m so far behind on my bills it’s not even funny.
I’m still officially offline, haven’t been by the forum, and can’t get my email, so please keep that in mind, ok? I’d hate to have hundreds of emails clogging my mail server when (if!) I finally get back online.
G’nite,
-m
PS: My Love….still protective of me… *soft smile* And I love him for it still.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 5/9/2001 01:22:22 AM ~
~
Got out of the house a bit this weekend and didn’t get a chance to steal some computer time from my sister until now (she’s working tonight) Also tinkered about with some of the pics I’ve snapped on her webcam (mmm…webcam….) and put them up on a page
here for your viewing pleasure. (ok, and I have ‘em and figured I might as well use them for something!) Moving on to the recap of the weekend, I’ll get back to current as I go…
The Mummy ReturnsOk, so I went to this REALLY cool theater, REALLY far away on Saturday to see the Mummy2. It’s in the near-infamous Ybor City (pronounced “Ee-bore”). They have a theater in the new shopping center which includes a 21+ only subsection. ID is checked, no one under 21 is admitted. The concession stand sells odd items like sushi and salads. Of course, it wouldn’t be Ybor (famous by the way for it’s nightclubs, dancing, and you guessed it, drunken splendor) if they also didn’t have a COMPLETE bar. Anything you want from beer on draft to mixed drinks, wines, etc. Oh yeah, it was cool. When you get into the actual theater itself, you discover the very cool
leather seats. They’re HUGE and look/feel like Lazyboys!
If you’re wondering why I’m ranting on about the theater and not so much the movie, well…it’s because it just wasn’t that good. I liked the first MUCH better. This one wasn’t really so much bad as it was lacking in any sense of plot, story, character development, or purpose. It just bombarded you with one frantic {not-always-well-done} CGI scene after another. You don’t have time to get bored, but you
do get to a point where you realize the movie’s almost over and there was nothing to it. I have to quote this review since I think it’s a perfect summary for what I thought as well…
More is more in this relentlessly bombastic sequel to the 1999 blockbuster. “Returns” basically recycles all the main selling points of the original, minus any vestigial attempts at humor or pacing. Brendan Fraser returns as our erstwhile hero, this time married to his main squeeze from the first film (Rachel Weisz) and with a precocious tyke in tow. Fraser’s character is almost totally blanded-out this time though, with precious little of the campy klutziness that brightened the first movie. There’s little for him to do, in fact, but to merely bounce from one spectacular (and spectacularly artificial) computer generated effect to the next. The movie’s sole objective seems to be Maximum Overkill, and it consistently achieves it. The film rams one busy, frantic sequence after another, not leaving us a moment to breath or time for anything to sink in – but that’s ok because there really isn’t
anything to sink in…as is, it’s at least as fatiguing as it is entertaining.Yup. Oh, and for people like my sister who wanted to see it just for the (her words!) “god-like body” of the Rock – don’t bother. He’s in the film all of about 8 minutes. (and only the first three minutes of the film is it actually him…the rest at the very end of the movie, is a bad CGI half-man/half-scorpion critter). Eh….not so happy with it.
On the other hand…the theater! Well…
that was cool…! Hrm? Oh, you heard me say all that already? Yeah, but it was really cool and…hu? Yeah, alright, I’ll move on…
In short, it was nice to have a reason to actually get up, get dressed (something I haven’t done much of lately), and get outside. There was a big group of us there and between the lengthy travel time, the wait at the theater (got there early), and the movie time itself, *whew* it was a full day for me.
Feathers, Feathers EverywhereSo….my mom knew how much I was suffering on my sister’s hard, hard bed. It’s just a FIRM mattress (no box spring) on a solid wood frame. It was
hard. It was uncomfortable. It was making me toss and turn all night. She calls me on my cell at 10am or so Sunday morning (I was of course, asleep) to tell me she’s coming over to give me the feather pillow. I, at this point, have no clue what’s she’s talking about. Apparently, the day before, she went over to Burdines and charged a feather pillow-top mattress thingy. You just put it on top of your bed. It makes it softer because it’s feather and down filled chambers. It was nice and while it’s still not the softest bed ever, it’s at least usable now. I just feel like crap about it. She just paid the damned charge off, then charged my $200 sunglasses (see the
webcam pics) and now charged the $100 feather top as well. That’s a lot of money for her to be spending like this. She is not a wealthy woman. She isn’t even a “comfortable” woman financially. They pretty much live off her husband’s salary with hers as a little extra. Put it this way, she makes like $10K a year less then I do on average. That’s not much. I mean, I’m certainly not complaining – it’s nice to be able to sleep again – but, it’s just too much for her and it’s making my sister jealous (for as much as she tries to pass it off just a joke). I just don’t want tension because of me, you know?
Sunday, Bloody SundaySo…all that excitement and general distraction from my woes made Sunday all the worse. Woke up, looked around, and was just miserable. My friend Rand called to see how I was doing and of course, it wasn’t well. I ended up driving over to his place (which is a massive
30 miles away now!) just to tag-along on his errands. I just couldn’t bear hanging out at the house all day. It was just too much. Ended up doing nothing too terribly exciting – hit BestBuy, Borders Books, and a few more stores – but it was the idea that I was at least
out and
doing something…anything…
His mom (the sweetheart) invited me to stay for dinner, made me eat at least a little something, then sat down and talked to me for like an hour. I cried, she supported, and all-in-all, it was really nice of her. She of course offered their spare room if I ever needed to “get away” for a weekend or so. Just to change pace if I need it. (she was trying to convince me to stay over there last night actually – laying out pajamas and everything – but I really just wanted to get home)
Watched the final minutes of hockey – damn Kings won - and collapsed in bed. After crying and talking with his mom and then Rand himself (who is also best friends with my Love for those of you who don’t know that), I was more then spent.
Jobs & ClassifiedsUgh. Have I mentioned how much I hate trying to find a job? Because, I really do. I hate the whole process. Spent ALL DAY today re-typing my resume (recreating it) on my sister’s computer. Problem is, it is trapped on mine. I have no internet or modem, so I can’t email it off, my Love has the CDR drive so I can’t burn it off, and my floppy drive took a nose dive so I can’t even save it to disk! Grrr…needless to say, it’s really hard to recreate a document that you spent hours on the first time around. After searching through the ads (and coming up with several decent sounding ones assuming I don’t mind driving 30 or more miles one-way away), recreating my resume, setting up a hotmail account to send it to my Love (who’s going to fax it out for me tomorrow), and waiting all of forever for anything to happen on the damned dial-up connection (why oh why is there no broadband service up here??) I’m going to brave it again to get this entry uploaded. Still haven’t gone out to the store yet to get any food (I haven’t had any since I got here a week ago now), still haven’t gotten the last box out of my backseat, still haven’t figured out what’s rolling around really loud and annoying in my trunk (and afraid to look). Needless to say, I’m feeling really shitty and didn’t even get dressed today let alone get to my mom’s to take a shower. Isn’t that what bathrobes were invented for? Hell, I even forgot until just now that I had washed my towels at lunchtime and never put them in the dyer. I hate this lack of life. I have nothing to do, no goals, and pretty much, no ambition to get anything done. It’s just all FAR too much work.
FeedbackStill can’t believe people read this thing. Guess it’s pretty cool. Thanks for the comments (they’re the only ones I get since I have no email) and keep ‘em coming. Let me see if I can remember the things that I wanted to comment back on…
DVD’s: Well, I did get the dvd player (and my 11 or so personal dvd’s). Problem is, it’s sitting on my dresser gathering dust since he got the 27’ stereo tv. I took my old 19 inch MONO tv just to have something. Problem is, the dvd hooks up a/v jacks
only and since it’s a mono tv with a coax only, I can’t actually use it. *pouts* My sister’s tv in the living room IS stero, but she records and watches things every night. Doesn’t leave much time for me to haul it out there, hook it up, and watch something.
Disney: I like the Little Mermaid. (it’s actually one of my 11 or so dvd’s!). My friend has a PS2 and since it’s a dvd-rom drive, it can also play movies. Doesn’t really count as ‘spending time’ since it wasn’t MY dvd! :)
Internet connection: There is NO SUCH THING as “broadband” up here. No dsl, no adsl, no cable modem, no ISDN, NOTHING. Believe me, had Roadrunner been available here, I wouldn’t be offline. I would have simply transferred my service to her house. The ONLY choice is SLOW dial-up connections that never get better connects then 31k or so. (she has a 56k modem, but I’ve literally never seen her connect faster then 31.2k) It’s horrid and slow, and all-around evil. Makes me miserable.
Cell phone: Ok, I love it, but damn! I use it FAR too much. I just know I’m going to get the bill and it’s going to be a million dollars or so from overage on day minutes. People use it to reach me all the time and now I’m panicked that in a matter of two weeks, I’m already over. *eep* It’s great – so long as people start calling me AFTER 8pm or on WEEKENDS when I have unlimited calling! :)
--buzz—
Well, my towels just buzzed in the dryer. Need to check on them. Need to publish this entry, so I’m going to go do that. Hope all are well. Hope I get a reply on these resumes I’m sending out…need something to go my way because damn, this is getting so far over my head I don’t know what to do. (can you say I’m a month behind on all my bills with all the final bills coming in also and me with literally ZERO bucks?) Oh yeah, “screwed” doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Miss you all.
-m
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 5/7/2001 09:59:14 PM ~
~
