Just a VERY brief update...Birthday was really quite and mostly sad. I just went over to my mother's and had dinner and cake. Because it was just my family - no friends or anything - it really made me aware of how lonely I am these days. I also failed to have any sort of friend birthday gathering like I normally do and pretty much all of my friends (with the exclusion of my Love who actually came up for a few minutes on his lunch hour and my friend Rand who's computer I'm using right now) called me the next day or so to give me a "belated" birthday greeting. It was really rather depressing.
My mom had gotten me my cool sunglasses a couple weeks ago and at over $200, that was my only real gift. She got me a cute Garfield mug and Pooh umbrella just to have something to open. My Nanny (maternal grandmother) is moving and so just gave me $25, my sister was working that day and still "owes" me a gift, and everyone else pretty much falls under the same. Kinda sad also since I'm so very destitute and broke that I didn't really have anything cool to unwrap. It would have been nice to stop thinking about all the things I can't get for myself right now and, I don't know, be a little pampered. Aren't you allowed to be pampered on your birthday? :(
I ended the night with a wine cooler and went to bed.
The rest of the week has been completely boring. My stir-craziness is reaching all time level and I'm so desperatly lonely and bored that I think I'm going mad. I HATE being up there so very, very much that it's making everything worse. There's not much (ok, there's really
nothing) to be positive about right now and it's hard to find the will to really care. It's like if I care, then I'll just hurt all the more because then I'll really feel all that pain. And I'm so sick of feeling that pain.
Right now I'm basking in the wonder that is a cable modem again...ah....how I've missed it. I'm in such a sub-suburban area that there is literally NO broadband access period available. It's only been launched in the very fringe area on the border of the more southern county I used to live in. I'm no where near the border (by about 20 miles) and so, have no DSL or cable modem service in the area. Hell, they still have all copper lines where I'm at - no fiber optic phone lines yet. And my sister's house is septic not even sewer! Arg! It's an old area and it's not anywhere NEAR joining the 20th century, let alone the 21st. (by the way, when you call Time Warner or Verizon to inquire about Cable Modem or DSL, they say what they've been saying for YEARS - oh, it's in the works, give it another couple months) Yeah right.
Think we're (my friend Rand and I) are going to go see that movie "Shrek" today. Looks funny and I love Mike Myers. He's so witty and hysterical. I could use a laugh right about now. Of course, I feel bad because it means I'm going to make him shell out more money - it's not like I have the $7 for a ticket you know - and despite the fact that he says he doesn't mind (and he probably doesn't - he's a really nice guy that way), I still feel horrible. I just hate feeling like I'm a burden to everyone. I hate having to rely on other people to pay my way. I'm just not used to completly lacking in my own finacial independence. In short, it sucks. (this is, by the way, my catch phrase lately. Everything seems to be summbed up pretty simply by the words:
It sucks)
Ah well, spent enough time hogging the computer, should probably get going. Hope everyone is well, miss you all and hope to hear some good news soon - damn do I need it!
until again,
-m
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 5/19/2001 12:57:09 PM ~
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Oh yeah, if you managed to miss it somehow (not sure how since my Love plastered "Happy Birthday" in all the feedbacks!), it's my birthday today. Happy Birthday to me. My Love just came up - from work almost 20 miles away - on his lunch hour just to see me on my birthday and wish me it in person. Awww.... Anyway, perhaps I'll write a real entry detailing my much better interview and such later, but for now, I'm feeling pretty lazy and not wanting to. See you all later (if possible).
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 5/16/2001 01:15:02 PM ~
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Hallel-fucken-uiah it actually posted. Blarg. Only was down for almost three days. Stupid blogger. Wish I had the time to explore other web log offerings out there, but that will have to wait until I can at least connect from my own pc.
You don't want to know the WASTE of a day I had today. Got all nice and dressed up for an interview (for what I thought was "customer service" not my first choice, no, but at least money for now) and turned out to be hardcore telemarketing for "adult" businesses. Uh hu...needless to say, that's going to be a big No. Popped over to the mall in desperation on my way home and put in an application at Victoria's Secret who's hiring part time. (again, right now, it's just money). The better news is tomorrow I have a REAL interview - not one of these bullshit deals - that's quite aways away, but should pay me decent. It's for an executive assistant to some VP. The company is a division apparently of
webmd.com so hey, that's kinda cool. Wish me all luck, it's the first REAL bite I've had and I need it!!
Anyway, it was a total waste of my day, time, and gas to head down to the one I went to this afternoon. Sheesh. I hare when you go through all that and find out it's something you'd never accept. Why can't they be honest
before you go through all the hassle? Blarg and more blarg.
Just got back, need to go relax - my damned toes got blistered from my shoes! - and perhaps I'll log on later if I can. My sister's working til close tonight, so I have the house to myself for a bit. Might rent a flick later and then it's off to bed for an early (and I'm sure frantic) day tomorrow.
Be well all. I can only hope everyone's doing better then me!
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 5/14/2001 06:02:40 PM ~
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You know, I had all these plans to write up a lengthy and detailed entry, but I’m really just not feeling like doing much of anything. Another week has come and gone and for the most part, it was as bland and uneventful as the previous. The haze of days all kinda blend one into another and I find myself truly at a loss as to an accurate passage of time. I just sleep sometimes, shower others, drive occasionally and yet none of it is distinct or different. It’s all a matter of moments burring continuously and I wonder if I’ll ever get a sense of balance, comfort, or at least direction ever again. When my goals are things like “take a shower today” or “get gas for the car today” there’s something very wrong. The entire highlight of my week last week is that my Love came over on Friday night to help fix the floppy drive on my computer. (both it and the soundcard ended needing to be replaced) Gods that was hard. He kept saying, “No tears” but all I wanted to do was sob in his strong arms. I miss him so very, very much. My whole life is lacking and empty without him and just holding him again – even for a moment – reminded me of how much I still love him. It was so hard. Gods I miss him…
My final bills keep coming slowly in…got the power one and just about died when I saw it was almost
$600. Problem is, we were on this thing called “budget billing.” What happens is you pay the same thing every month no matter how much you actually use. Keeps you from having really high bills in the summer and low ones in the winter (well, that’s how Florida weather is anyway!) Problem is, that for awhile, we were using MORE power then we were paying for and so that amount was being deferred. Lately, we’ve been using LESS then what we were paying, so it was crediting against the deferred balance. Had we had another year or so lease together (in that apt or any other we transferred service to), it wouldn’t have been a problem, we would have managed to get the deferred amount paid off. As it stands though, we didn’t have that time and still had several hundred dollars deferred. And, me still without ANY job leads (not even servers since every restaurant in the area is firing since it’s ‘off season’ now) of course means I have no idea how we’re going to pay it. Problem is that it’s not just under one of our names, it’s under my mother’s husband. He was nice enough to turn it on for us a couple years ago so we wouldn’t have to pay the almost three hundred dollar deposit. (of course, had we paid it then, it wouldn’t be so bad now) This means we
have to pay it or it ruins HIS credit, but it’s just impossible. I still have yet to make my car payment for LAST month (let alone this month), we have the car insurance, cable, phone, and any damned fees the complex charge us still to come. (speaking of which, there is apparently a certified – meaning I have to sign for it - letter waiting for me at the post office from the apartment complex) Not to mention pesky day-to-day things like food, gas, or anything. I literally have no money AT ALL in the world and it’s just the worst feeling. If it weren’t for my family, I’d be literally destitute. The gas in my car is from my mom, the few things of food I have (like literally peanut butter and jelly) are because she gave me some cash, the roof over my head and the bed I sleep in is because my sister had a place, the dinner I ate the other day (a yummy Jamaican Top Sirloin from Hops) is the only
real meal I had in over a week is because my friend Rand came up on Sunday and
made me accept a meal. I’ve lost several pounds already (and at 108lbs to start, I don’t have it to lose) and I’m so tired and miserable all the time. Depression and poverty are hitting me so very hard. Still NO internet for me in any kind of foreseeable future and to put the cherry on my shit cake, it’s my birthday on Wednesday. Happy fucking birthday to me, hu? I hate life right now - FAR more then I can communicate through this keyboard.
The other night, I tossed and turned having nightmare after nightmare. Haven’t had nightmares since I was a girl, but lately, they hunt me down. They torture me with these horrid things I can’t remember when I get up, but still manage to wake me in sweats and panic, literally clawing to get away. I spent all of the other night like that. One after another after another. It was horrible and it left me physically and emotionally exhausted. At the very peek of the terror, I’d suddenly find myself awake, trembling and gasping – sometimes even crying. It was just awful. At least parts of every night have been that way too – no matter how much I try to relax or what, I’m plagued by these horrid dreams. They just don’t give up and they find me and hunt me each night. (that’s how it feels anyways).
Beyond the shit, there’s nothing in my life. I don’t even have the drive to make anything happen – it all seems so pointless. I feel like no matter what I do, it’s all going to just be taken away from me again, so why should I bother? What the hell was I working towards that I have left? Big fat nothing and so I just want to say FUCK IT ALL! I don’t want any of it and damn it all to fucking hell. It’s where I am residing these days anyway, so why not let the remaining tatters follow me there too? I’m sick of everyone telling me things like
It will get better and
You’re doing so well. It will NEVER get “better.” And I’m not doing well – how could any one say I’m doing
well?? My life is a fucking cesspool and I just want to die. I want every minute of every day just to die and make this pain and misery end. Does that sound like “well” to you? FUCK! I am so sick of people giving me this BULLSHIT about how it’s ok and things work out for the best. There’s been NOTHING in my life that’s worked out “for the best” and I’m sick and tired of people thinking their patronizing little words help. They don’t. They fucking make me so angry I want to scream. Don’t they understand I just want to die? Don’t they get it that I want it OVER? Don’t they realize that I just have no hope left and nothing that to me is worth working for?? Don’t they see??
I have to go. My sister will be home soon and I need to get this online now or I won’t be able to. I just want it to fucking end. Why can’t I get what I want ever? I want it over and yet here I am, fucking just
enduring like I care. You know what? I don’t. I don’t care about anything. I just hurt FAR too much to feel anything but this misery.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 5/13/2001 08:48:49 PM ~
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