(yeah yeah, still feel like crap, but I'm playing around online because dammit, I miss it)

Here's my virtual model. What do you think? Look like me? Says it's me based on my actual (*gasp*) measurements...hmmm... Personally, I'm not so sure - think I'll stick with my own pics, but this could be fun to dress it up in things I'd NEVER wear! Hee hee...wonder what kinds of *non-standard* stores offer this service...ah well....

It's like a modern-era paper cut out doll. I love it! Too fun. Get your own (male OR female from my virtual model Warning, I think it renders these things on the fly and as such, even on my friend's cable modem, it's slow. Those on dial-up, be patient. It's actually a lot of fun though!

ugh....need to go.....need to go lay down.....g e t . o f f . i n t e r n e t . . .

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 5/26/2001 06:19:26 PM ~ ~

Ever have a time where you keep experiencing all these VERY strong and life altering emotions, but because they happen so fast, you spend so much energy relaying them to others, and so much time struggling to deal with them on your own, that by the time you're ready (and able) to share, you just can't any longer? I'm at this weird point where I desperately want to write a post, but all the things that I wanted to talk about have already been said several times before and they are already done and over and I have no strength to recount them now. Fights, emotions, hurts - they all just loom so far above my head that I can't bring myself to write about them anymore.

I need to go home. I feel so horrible and I don't know why...woke up today and my head was just "full" and stuffed. It's like this huge pressure and this foggy pain. I feel vaguely nauseous and dizzy. I don't know what's wrong. I've been stalling actually from leaving my friend's house (who left several hours ago to attend a BBQ inviting me to stay and use the internet) because I just don't feel like I can face the 30+ mile drive home. It's like I'm feeling so wrong and I have no idea what it is. It's one of the things that's making it harder for me to even get through an entry at all, let alone a detailed one, because I just feel like I'm going to be sick.

In short, shit is happening, but I just don't feel emotionally like dealing with it and right now, I physically can't deal with it. More as I can get back here, but for now, I'm going to try to force myself home now. I don't want to wait until dark or I know I won't leave.

...what the hell is making me feel so very, honestly sick...?

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 5/26/2001 05:51:49 PM ~ ~

Oh yeah, by the way....the feedback service is down for some reason. Meaning, it's taking a LONG time for the page to load since it's waiting for the server request to time out first. Hopefully it will be back soon, but if not, I'll take the code out so it won't continue to be a problem. Hope it comes back - it's a DAMNED useful service and I like having it there.

Oh well. Hope it comes back up.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 5/23/2001 10:37:02 PM ~ ~

Hmmm.....been a few days since my last entry and ironically enough, the last time I posted was the last time I was over at my friend Rand's using his computer and internet connection. (see a connection?)

The week in short? Some people think FAR too highly of their own opinions (but are actually so insecure they have to insult people in moments of weakness to "better" themself), some people are actually decent and have wonderfully shown support and honest caring, the job market is getting slimmer and slimmer, my sister has FAR more issues then me, and in short, being alone is very lonely.

Hmm...that sums it I think.

The details are annoying drawn out and since I've spent the last hour and change just reading up on the forums I frequent I don't really have time to write it out. The good thing I want to quickly report though is that I have a second interview (via phone since she's in another part of the state) with the very interesting company I was at last week. Yeah! If I get this, then my money problems should be resolvable within a few checks. And believe me, with things getting to this level of sheer monetary desperation, that would be a lifesaver.

I'll try to write an update after my interview (especially if I have some good news!) but if I don't, please don't hate me, I've just had an extreme case of non-motivation about life in general. Getting out of bed has been hard and writing this post is brutal. I just can't think cohesivly enough to get it done. (so, sorry if it's a bit odd)

Only one other thing I want to add...I was listening to the City of Angels soundtrack today and realized for the first time in months how much the one song, "Iris" by the GooGooDolls is truly the song for my Love and I...as such, I had to post it.


And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you'd feel me somehow,

You're the closest to heaven that I'd ever be,
and I don't want to go home right now.
And all I can taste is this moment,
and all I can breathe is your life,
and sooner or later is over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,
when everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who i am.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of truth in your lies,
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed to know you're alive.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand,
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am...

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 5/23/2001 10:25:38 PM ~ ~