Backlog of entries written on the laptop in the evenings. Nothing new for now, just happiness that it’s Friday!! Yippie!
6.27.01 @ 10:00pm So I'm sitting in a hotel room, typing away on a laptop sitting on the bed as "Sex in the City" comes on HBO. Man, I suddenly felt like I really was someone off a show like that. Sitting here, typing, being a modern, fashionable woman feels funny. I don't think of myself as a modern, fashionable woman!
WOAH. When did she cut her long, curly locks?? Wow. Sorry, watching the tv as I'm typing. I've always likes this show. It's funny, current, and sharp humor. Makes me laugh. It's one of those little things I miss so much about my whole life from before...
Oh, wait. She *didn't* cut the hair? She must have just had it straightened and pulled back. Hrm.
Boy I can't maintain decent writing when watching tv. The odd thing is that the episode is partially about haunted houses. Of which, I was suffering myself in that damned trailer. At least that's what it felt like that's for sure. Oh yeah...probably wondering what's going on. Well, I told my boss as I posted before, that I just could not endure being in that trailer another moment. At about 5:45pm, he got a call from the HR lady (since I lack a phone at my desk yet) asking him to have me stop by her office. They booked me a room in a hotel in town - not the same one in Gainesville that I was staying at previously because that one was booked full, but another one that's not bad. The HR assistant said she's going to try to get me back in the other one since it's nicer tomorrow, but, either way, I'm not in the trailer and that's what counts. They have a week reserved right now, so I at least have a roof until July 4th. Problem of course is that I won't get a paycheck until July 15th and seeing as the $13 in my wallet is the sum total of my finances in life, I don't think I'm going to be getting into an apartment anytime soon. Grr. I don't know for how long they will continue to pay for a hotel room for me and there's no way in the world I'll ever go back into that trailer, so I'm worried that I'm just postponing the inevitable. Which is disconcerting since I'm still really excited about everything else - change of location in general, Gainesville specifically, and the job overall. The company has really gone all out, bending over backwards to accommodate me and it's been amazingly great.
Ha! Too funny. The next show after "Sex in the City” is "Arli$"(the one about the sports agent). And as the show starts, it's about HOCKEY! Yeah! Gotta love hockey. And, Arlis opens the show by mocking Canada. Sorry, Canucks...but it was funny. Now he crashed into a moose and these people picked him up (a mother and a son) and the son starts saying how every other team beyond the Edmonton Oilers suck. Personally think it's just about the other way around, but...well, no. The Stars are worse then any other. grrr..Dallas sucks.
zzzz...man I'm been laying here watching the Simpons - one of the funny Halloween episodes - and falling asleep so I think it's time for me to turn this thing off and go to sleep. I have to get up early anyway, so might as well get some rest. (especially since I was up all night in terror)
*yawn* {{out}}
6.28.01 @ 10:20pm
Let's see...random thoughts through the course of the night...
Is it live or is it Memorex? There was an advertisement on tv earlier this evening for an Elvis in Hawaii tape set. What struck me as odd was the comment, "In living color! Considering Elvis is dead, then wouldn't it be "In dead color?"
The Dead Speak Later on, I was enjoying the SciFi channel (a favorite of mine normally and not available at my sister's house) and after Babylon 5, the show "Crossing Over with John Edwards" came on. Those of you who keep up with my journal may know I've mentioned this show before. I've been continually intrigued/annoyed with it for reasons I just couldn't put my finger on. I do think it is a genuine Gift - it just relates very much like real magicks I've encountered both personally and from others - and I do tend to peek into the show when I can. I also had a very interesting dream shortly after it first came on which I know for a fact was not a mere dream. (the actualities of what it was though are not exactly clear for me). In any event, it's been an odd show for me. When watching it, I suddenly realized what it is that annoys me about it and him. I greatly resent the advancement of his Gift for - and this is the key part - it's one I share with him since birth and yet have denied and repressed so that I can't use it like he can. It's a shock that he so boldly flaunts it as well as the overriding bitterness that I can not use my own Talent in that field anywhere near as effectively. Odd to say I suppose, and yet, I just Know it to be true. And I wonder how much more I deny myself in this way. I also wonder, in rare moments of gleaming self-worth, how much I am denying the world. Yes, yes, that sounds arrogant, but it remains my belief that there are no Gifts given that are not meant to be used. It's the how, where, and for what that we must learn as a lesson of life. What we do when given more defines the balance of our time here. The tally added and carried on our souls, ranking, rating, measuring that which can be known versus what we have already mastered.
+++ Anyway...I get off on tangents sometimes. (but hey, this is my journal, so I guess that's ok) Let's see what else randomness traipsed through my head this evening...? +++
Orange and Blue galore Ok, I know everyone told me that this was a "college town" and I thought sure, young college kids around. Ok, no biggie. What I didn't expect was going into the Burdines (a Florida only department store akin to um, a Dillards or other upperscale chain) and seeing alligator columns in-between the first and second floors, "holding up" the walls around the escalators. Or, going into the Ruby Tuesday's and seeing UF paraphernalia mixed in with the other nick-knacks. Add to that the fact it's ALL YOUNG PEOPLE here. Holy shit. It's weird. Grew up in the place that's been deemed "home of the newly wed or nearly dead" and it's the truth. It's all seniors. Slow driving, 30 items in the 10 item or less "express" lane, bitching and ranting over $0.20 before getting into their brand new Lincolns, etc. It's so odd.
An Empty Place? So, tonight I splurged. Spent almost all of the remaining $17 I had on a dinner. (hamburger, mmm....beef) Considering it was the first hot food and only actual meal I've had in about a week, I deserved it. Amazingly enough, I ate 2/3 of it, which if you know me, is like 3 or 4 full servings for a normal person! Afterwards, it was early yet (like 9:30pm) and I was bored, so I stopped at the Borders store that I noticed when I went to the restaurant. Browsed around a bit and noticed there was a damn HUGE section of paranormal, philosophy, and occult books in the store. (must be part of the younger area) Weird thing was, it was that moment that I noticed how "quiet" it has been since I got here. Almost like there's just no one here who's Aware. As I stopped to think about this notion, the faintest little flicker made its way to my attention. There's the tiniest of something somewhere in the area - either well hidden, or only a minute population - and it made me long for the beach at that instant. Doesn't make much sense on the surface, but ever since I've been in Florida, I've found great comfort in going out to the shore at night and just connecting with Nature. It’s recharging for me and allows me to really embrace and accept myself - even if for only an hour or two. So, when I stood there, feeling that faint feeling, it made me realize how foreign this place is. Not even 200 miles away, and yet an infinity of difference. It's weird. It's not my territory, it's not my stomping ground. I'm the outsider here and it makes me rethink my bold and outspoken approach. Afterall, this is not my claimed lands...sounds weird, but it's an unaccustomed thing for me.
Witching Hour Well, it's midnight and I'm damned tired. Been tired since I hit the snooze three times this morning. It's time to turn off the laptop and go to sleep. Morning comes too early when you have to get up at 8am. *waaaaah* eh, nevermind. zzz... out.
Whew. Been a busy day. Lots of learning how to navigate around in the databases of clients, providers, and such. On a funny note, there was a Kindred Medical Care and a Dr. Dickoff. *giggle* I kid you not on either.
What? Oh, you’re wondering what’s going on? Well, I’m still here. Wrote out an entry last night on the laptop explaining it, so I’ll have to remember to save it to disk and post it tomorrow. The short of it is that they put me up in a hotel room for a week and after that, I’m not sure, but for the meantime, I’m here!
It’s a bit lonely, but at least last night was not evil, I had cable (yippie!), got to relax, and most important, got some sleep. Joy of joys. You know, I just had to turn the “check grammar as you type” to Off because it kept hating everything I wrote. Damn thing. What does it know anyway? Where was I…? Oh yeah, non-evil living quarters. Man, I don’t know what to tell you about that oddball trailer. It’s just pure, miserable, and bitter evil. Yuck and more yuck. Just did not want me there and fine by me since I didn’t want to be there either! I don’t know what the problem is, but…eh, c’est la vie.
Ooh, mail. (work email, but when you’re email starved, anything is better then nothing!) hee hee…it was a funny comment by my Love to me. Made me smile and laugh and that’s a damned good thing since it can get really sad in another city all by your lonesome. It’s nice seeing an email from a friendly name, you know? Sorry all, I can’t just release it to anyone since it *is* a work email, but I’ll see what I can do about getting a hotmail one or something until I can get my own place and get my own pc back online, ok? Details will come as I can get time to explore the notion. (add it to the many things I need to catch up on!) Damn I miss regular internet access!!
Anyway, really should be finishing updating this report I’m in the midst of creating, so I’ll close. Nothing interesting to report thus far, however, I may head out into Gainesville proper tonight or tomorrow to eliminate some of my cabin fever. Not that I have money to spend, but it might be nice to just get out into public, look at some stores/shops, etc. Get a better idea what’s around too. *shrugs* Knowing lazy me though, it may be tomorrow since I’m tired tonight! (although the prospect of an actual meal is so distracting, I may just follow my stomach and worry about the financial impact later…life gets hard when you haven’t eaten a hot meal in almost a week…two cold turkey sandwiches and some crackers aren’t a lot to go on.) Eh, welcome to being poor!
My boss just stopped by my desk and asked me if the HR lady had talked to me yet. I told him no. He didn't indicate whether or not it was a good thing or a bad thing. He just said that the HR lady and their supervisor knew about it and were going to talk to me.
Nervous.
Anyway, day's been dragging by since everything's so up in the air. if I have to keep staying there indefinitely, I just can't do it. May sound stupid, but even just thinking about sleeping there again makes me literally start trembling.
I think the place is honest-to-goodness haunted and whatever is haunting it is not happy I'm there.
No idea what’s going to happen next. Scared my Gainesville Adventure will be cut short. Scared of being a failure. More scared of what I can’t put my finger on, but that my gut instinct is tell me is wrong about that place. And when it all comes down to it, I have to trust my instincts. If I can’t do that, there’s no point in trusting anything else.
No change in status yet. Working on a report. Wanted to post last night's entry written on the laptop though...
-----
6.26.01/8:15pm Well, here I am. Trailer central. All I can say is "yuck." It's so very discouragingly nasty. Old, old, and showing it.
*eep*
there is a NASTY thunderstorm going on - happened moments after I got back from the grocery store. Now, I'm sitting in this metal box in the middle of an empty field, feeling ~really~ safe. *snort* Yeah, because isn't that just the thing to do? Hide in metal when you're theonly thing around? I'm sure that's what it was they told me to do....
Damn, these bolts are close. What sucks is that I refuse to turn of the laptop becasue dammit, there's literally nothing else to do. There's a tv in here, but it will not get a single channel. There is no such thing as cable in this area - it's that remote. I'm about 12 miles north of Gainesville, just a 1/2 mile from my work (convienant and all, but still...) and it's nothing but corn fields, hay fields, and the like for miles and miles in every direction.
---took a break from the typing, ate some cheezits, listening to some Sarah McLachlan (her Surfacing album) hoping the storm would lighten up, but no such luck yet. It's still nasty out there and it sucks to be in here. (but I'm certainly not going to go driving around in the pitch black AND rain, so I'm stuck. (plus it's almost 9pm and I have no idea how late anything is open around here.) I know there's a Books A Million that's over by the University, but that's a good 30+ minutes away, not including all the nasty weather.
Ugh, now I know why all these drapes are open....just tried to close them and none of the cords work. They're just stuck. It's not like there's anyone around to see in, but still. It's awfully damned exposed. I'm the kind of person who NEVER opens her blinds/curtains, let alone leaves them open while sleeping! Egads, how am Igoing to survive this week? Let alone until I can get a place of my own? (which, considering I won't even get a paycheck until July 15th, is a LONG way away) I just can't do it. It's so lonely already, so gross and icky, and very, very uncomfortable that I don't know how I'm supposed to make it that long. I just can't tolerate a nasty living space. It's not in me. And this place certainly qualifies as nasty. The fact that there are three chairs here at the table, with two of them with buckeling wicker seats and the thrid with some unidentifiable black stain/burn looking thing covering the whole back, well....that's the least of it. The toilet seat is one of those cushy types ya know? Except this one is from like 1972 and is being held together with a piece of yellowed tape. I kid you not. This is not "roughing it" it's more like "living in filth." I may not have inherited the need to clean anal rententivly like my mom (and sister),but I can't tolerate a place that's just dirty to the core. I may make a mess in a I cluttered way, but nothing like the ages of filth this place has going for it. From the nasty yellow/brown/orange/mustard carpet (that's definatly the original to the trailer), the matching pea green fridge and gas stove set, and the seafoam green seersucker curtains, this place is riddled with long-borne ickiness.
---zone---
I haven't listened to this cd in awhile - like always - and (as always) I wonder why I don't listen to it more often. It's the Akira soundtrack. Very cool. Odd instrumental effects, thundering chants, and quirky in-betweens. Very cool and unique. I'm sure it's a love/hate thing though. I love it and can't imagine anyone not thinking it's great, but....at the same time, I can see how someone might get annoyed that's it too random; too much like just noise. Great background though. Once Sarah was done, I stuck this in and started typing again. Here's what sucks about the laptop though. Besides the obvious fact that the keyboard is ~tiny~ is that you rest your arms on the speakers. So, you esentially block out the sound. Rather silly I think. Someone must not have been paying attention when this puppy was designed!
I think I should be doing something constructive with all this time to type. Like finally get back to story telling. Writing one of the continual stories running around in my head. I know I want to do it, but I just never do. I think I'm just so intimedated with the whole concept of writing a novel - all those pages! - that I freeze up before I even start. It's not like I don't have a flair for words and it's not like I don't have more then my fair shair of them, it's just....daunting. Sometimes I stop myself from doing something before I even start for fear of failing. Silly I know logically, but it's hard to overcome those imbedded things that are there emotionally.
---zone---
6.26.01 10:50pm twitch, twitch, twitch.....scared now that night has fully fallen. I can't describe the foreboding sense that permiates the very fibers of this trailer. It is drapped in the gloom and somehow shifting shadows. There are odd noises parading around both inside and out, from a bang, creak, to thumps.
I have an entry that I wrote last night but I forgot to save it on disk this morning, so it’s still on the laptop.
Fist off, I am currently freezing. Forgot how damn cold these office buildings can be. My hands are just numb.
Second, I am scared shitless of that trailer. It’s just evil and I spent literally about 2 hours on a horrible cell connection last night sobbing and crying because I was so scared. There’s no “logical” reason to be scared (unless you count being a small woman, alone, in a rickety old trailer, with a metal roof, in a horrible thunderstorm, in the middle of a field in the middle of unlit, literally barren land for miles and miles around dangerous?) but it doesn’t change the fact that the trailer is just evil.
Yes, it’s old and it’s icky and you can read up on that once I post the entry from last nigh, but for right now, I’m really stuck. I can not stay there in that trailer. I just can’t do it.
So…I talked to my boss this morning and told him that I love it here, love the company, am excited and want to make it work, but I was just TERRIFIED in that trailer and I really can't handle being in there. Told him I'm not used to being in the middle of nowhere like that and all I want to do is settle down and get my own place. I don't know how we can do that, but I really want to stay here but need to be out of that trailer to do it. I said I don't know if I can get an advance to pay the first month's rent or whatever, but whatever we can do I want to do because I am just too scared to be in there like that by myself.
He said he’d talk to the HR lady this morning and see what he can do. He said we certainly can't leave me terrified like that.
I'll let you know.
In the meantime….ugh…precarious. Everything is great, but again, one thing is horrible beyond belief. I just can not express the sheer, utter, and compete terror that place brings out in me. I think it’s haunted by some really pissed off spirits or something, but whatever it is, it does NOT want me there. (and I am more then happy to oblige and leave) This is the only thing that sucks about being 2 ½ hours away…I don’t know anyone, or have any place to stay.
I want to stay here. I like the company and all, but this trailer….*shudder* I just don’t know what to do…
Zzz…..damn, a night of panic, tears, and stress really puts a damper on ya. I’m so sleepy I could just pass out here in my cubie. The cold doesn’t help – makes me want to doze even more. (mmm…cuddling up under a warm, fuzzy blanket….)
Wow. Certainly a week for changes isn’t it? First me, then Bourque.
For those out of the know, Bourque (as in Raymond Bourque) is one of the all time best defensive men that ever played the sport of hockey. And, as millions watched with roller coaster hopes, he finally won the Stanley Cup for the first time in his 21 year career a mere 17 days ago.
Now that’s all over.
Citing a need to spend time with his family – three children and wife – he announced his retirement to heartbroken fans everywhere. Ray was an icon of hockey greatness in an era when the sensational and horrific are overly hyped. Ray was an honest and hard worker, who not only loved the game, but lived for it, and for the right to hold the Cup.
He finally got that honor and leaves us now sadder yet proud of his lasting contribution to the game. And he leaves that game as a winner, getting his one wish fulfilled: to win his last game of the season.
Bourque, this one’s for you. On behalf of all your fans, thank you
~reported by nhl.com and reported to remote-location me by a little red fox. *wink*
ps: going home for the day now. Offline until I can peek back in at lunch tomorrow. Take care.
Hey hey, ho ho! I am here!! Gainesville, new job, at my desk...! Wow. I am damn nervous, let me tell you.
So. I've confirmed that #1: yes, there is internet here (at work anyway) #2: I can use it on my lunch hour/breaks/after etc.
This means I may actually be able to upload entries that I write plus possibly write entries when possible on lunch and such. (afterall, I'm dirt poor and have no idea where anything is around here!) *laughs*
Damn, I'm nervous. Did I say that already? Because I am. I really am. Add that to the fact that I had to get up at what's commonly known as the "ass-crack" of dawn (about 7:15am) this morning after my 2 1/2 drive and check-in at 11pm last night. Didn't get to sleep until like 1:30am and man does it feel like it.
Escaped easy last night, they went ahead and put me up in the hotel that I stayed at last night since I knew where it was and wouldn't have to drive around in the dark to somewhere I'd never been before. Worked for me. Didn't get the Presidential Suite again this time (darn), but it was still a nice enough room and it gave me one less day in the scary trailer that I face tonight. Still haven't seen it yet, but I'm worried. *ick*
Beyond that....not much to report. Just a TON of paperwork and forms and policies and errata to read all this morning, so now that it's lunch, I'm craving an escape from the paperwork! *laughs* So of course, what do I do but go online. Makes perfect sense in my little world anyway.
Biggest thing right now is sheer panic that yes I am here, yes it's just me, yes it's a new job, yes I'm broke, and yes I'm scared!! Beyond that, I could do without these flourecent lights above me (...ugh headaches...) and will see if they're flexible on removing them. Considering my boss doesn't turn his on (he's got a window though), there might be hope.
Arg. Babbling and need to search out some food. (maybe....poor) Just wanted to say I'm alive! (yeah for me!) and that I'm here. Ack! Time to panic again!
ps: I will NOT be checking into the forum for the time being from work - at least not through the day - since well....it's not exactly a "normal" based discussion! {{out}}
Sooo......how ya doing? Nice to see you here. How long has it been now? 23, no! 24 hours? *laughs* Yes I did drive the 38 miles one-way again to come over to my friend's house to use the internet one last time this week. I say that because in case you haven't been paying attention, I'm leaving tomorrow (after I bring my baby Kush-ka home from the vet) to head up to Gainesville to start my new job on Tuesday. What sucks is I'll be in some nasty old trailer they own (and that's located somewhere on the miles of land around the complex also owned by them) until I can afford to get my own place. Like approximatly when hell freezes over...so, come on cold front to Florida! *laughs*
Seriously though, it means I won't have net access, nor a place to go to get online excepting maybe at work, but since it's like my first week, I have no idea how they are about things like that and so will have to play it as it comes. My friend is going to lend me his laptop, but it will be purely for offline entertainment like games or offline journal entries to upload on the weekend when I get back. If I can get online and steal a few minutes of time from work - maybe on a lunch or after hours? - then I'll post and let everyone know how I'm doing. No matter what, I won't be able to access email since here in Tampa is the only place that's set to get it. If I'm silent for the duration of the week, don't hate me! I'll be back on Saturday. (well, probably Friday night actually)
Everyone keeps asking me if I'm scared about going - telling me how nervous they'd be in my shoes - and yet, I find myself more bothered by the idea of the yucky conditions of this place they're sticking me. *shudders* She made it very clear to say that it was old when she told me about it. I'm such a homebody though - I really need my own stuff, my own place, and the comforts of that to survive. I'm not the kind of person who could live out of hotels for a living. *shudders again* So, more then anything, I'm just annoyed at the fact I'm facing a week of icky non-M showers, bathroom, kitchen, places to sit, bedding, etc. All that stuff creeps me and my biggest fear is not how do I feel about being in Gainesville on my own in a new job, but more how do I feel about being uncomfortable 100% of the time! Arg!!
---train of current thought as I paused at the end of that last sentence....It's a college town. There's lots of libraries in college towns both on and off campus. Libraries have internet connections. I am technically still passable as college aged, so....hmm...maybe I can swing some internet time afterall. *just a thought*------
On top of all that, I'm worried about not being home to be there for Kush. My mom's going to have to care for him and all and that really sucks. He's my baby and I want to be the one there to help him anyway I can. *sad* I'm going to miss another week of his life (ontop of the almost three months already missed while staying with my sister) and right now, I'm panicked that's time I just don't have. I want to spend every single minute I can with him since now it's in my face how precarious it is. *sigh*
Something positive now? I got to see my Love today. It was nice. *warm smile* He came over - my sister was out watching the Yankees game and apparently just missing a home run ball from her "hunka-hunka" Derek Jeter - and just the two of us hung out for awhile. Mmmmm.....it was so nice. I can't express how much he means to me or how much I still love him. I can't imagine a world without him in it and it was nice that he came over to see me and wish me well for this week. I know that he knows how stressed I am about this whole thing - and I know that he was just as upset to hear about Kush-ka as I was, although he's been encouraging me to be positive - so it was nice that he took the time to try to ease some of the stress. I guess sometimes you just need to talk to someone that you are that comfortable with - someone that just doesn't come along everyday you know? - to make you feel better about the choices you make. Just as writing this journal is comforting to me in a way I can't quite explain, so too is just spewing out all the things to him that have been running circles in my mind. Just getting them out of my head...
Anyway, it was nice and I wanted to make a point to thank him for thinking of me and knowing that it'd make me feel better about the coming week. *smiles*
To recap 1. Offline and in another city this week to ~finally~ start job 2. Pissed that I will be living in icky, nasty conditions - my utter weakness if there ever was one: the inability to tolerate a "home" that's not MINE 3. Worried that I won't be around for Kush when he needs me most 4. Happy that I got to see my Love today - even if it was just to say bye for the week 5. I babble far too much for my own good.
Take care, behave, and for gods' sake - make sure to wash behind your ears! {{out}}
