So I did it last night...brought out the Herbal Essance #42: Wild Cinnamon and dyed my hair. My Love thinks it's great...my friend Joolo does too...but I'm thinking it's got some brassy, uneven orangey bits to it. And it's SO RED. Woah. The burgundy that I used the last time was much more subtle because it was actually a darker shade then my normal brown. So, it made it look dark, but red in dircet light. This however...well...it's red. It's this red:

So...in daylight I think I like it better, but I'm still so angry that there's too many parts that just didn't get saturated enough (especially around my ears) and I think it looks horrible that they're so brown still. My Love swears I'm "just being a girl" and that he can't even tell what I'm talking about. I think it's badly obvious but...I don't know. I'm really mixed on the results. It's just so bright and I'm not used to that. Joolo says that it actually makes my face look like it has some color to it, but...again, I just don't know what to think. Any thoughts?

Right now I'm stealing some cable modem time from my friend Rand (well, I needed to get some faxing done anyway). I hate that I have enough time to pretty much read up on the forum and that's about it. I've not been able to comment much, let alone keep up with the other places I like to. (like my good friend Orb) It stinks. There's such a seperation from everything when you just can't ever keep up. And there's so many times that I'm literally just sitting around on the couch, watching my fuzzy 5 channels (no cable), thinking of how much more I could be doing if only I had access to being online. Grr. Or I'll see something on TV and it will make me think, "Next time I get online, I need to check that out..." Inevitably, I never do because I get on so infrequently that by the time I do get on, not only have I forgotten about it, but I'm so pressed for time that I can't do it anyway. *sigh*

No luck again on the job front. Neither agency that I'm registered with has anything going on - they are both telling me that it's just dead out there - and nothing is coming of the meager ads in the paper. Nothing. Not a single phone call. I mean, I'm taking anything I can get at this point and it's still not enough. One week here and one week there isn't enough to keep my head above water and I find myself wondering why I even bother...what's the point in all this when there's just so much more going against me then for me? I get so hopeless I feel like I can't do it anymore...none of it. It's just too much and that scares me. I just don't know what to do about anything anymore...none of it's right, none of it works, and there's nothing that I can do that will make any of it better...

Well...on that happy note, I'm going to close. Still so much to try to accomplish at and so little time. Be well all.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 10/4/2001 02:19:42 PM ~ ~

Yeah...another old post that I wrote offline. Good news is that I'll add another NEW one right now! *grins*

October 2, 2001
Well….I was online again here at Joolo’s house, but his mom gets really pissed when someone - especially me - is using her phone line to be online. It doesn’t help that his sister is pregnant and ready to pop at any time and that her “mucus plug” just broke. (man that sounds icky…yet another reason I don’t want kids - bleck!) So, I had to get off. Now, I’m just using his MS Word to try to write out an entry that I hope I can publish later.

“I know what I do and what I believe in…” says ‘Ms. Cleo’ in her new advertisement. Of course she does. It’s simple. It’s called MONEY. She believes in the power of the greenback. The ad tries to get you to feel sorry for her - as if she’s been persecuted or something. Sorry, but it’s not persecution when you’re a fake actress playing a bad role, preying on people’s sense of hope for far too much money…

So, what brings me here at Joolo’s at 2:35pm anyway? Well, the job at the Mental Health clinic had ended a couple weeks ago (September 14th). They wanted me to stay another week, but the manager would not authorize another week due to the cost. So, I ended up having some time off while I continued to look for something else. Then, last week I agreed to take an assignment -the one for $8/hr - at a Physical Therapy office doing front desk work. It was supposed to be an “indefinite” position to last anywhere from 2 weeks to possibly perm. Well, the entire office was sick and I got it as well. (damn that sucks - colds are the worst) Nothing was said except, “See you Monday at 8am.” Well, I get up at 7:15am like normal (after getting almost no sleep the night before) and get ready and head to work. I’m there until about 9:30am when the office manager comes in and looks at me and says, “What are you doing here?” I’m wondering if this is a trick question when I answer, “working?” She says that she had called my agency to tell them that I was not needed after all since the office is so slow right now they don’t need the extra help. She says wait a minute, she’ll call the agency and walks away. A few minutes later, she comes back and tells me to go to them and they will see me now. (They are in the same building, just upstairs) I grab my things and leave. That was that. The agency tells me that they never got anything saying that the assignment was over and that they were as surprised as I was. Oh joy, more crappy luck.

Anyway, yesterday I came over here and was going to write a journal entry, but got delayed while catching up on the forum and some other places that I frequent. I had to leave early because my Love and I had planned fondue and I certainly didn’t want to miss it. So, with much distraction (and a run to go get some food - honey garlic chicken from the Chinese place near here, yum!), I was trying to write one today.

Doesn’t look like it’s going to get published though today since his mom is home for the day and being her normal, pleasant-as-rabies self. It stinks because I had more things that I was going to do online - I had only been on for a short while when I had to get off - and I really didn’t get to get much of anything done. Grr. Being so close to the net (it’s right here!!) but not being able to click the “connect to the internet” shortcut…it’s just cruel and unusual punishment.

Lately, I’ve been having these weird experiences where I’ll be thinking (or dreaming) of something, only to have it happen immediately thereafter. For example, on Sunday, I was in that state of half-sleep/half-awake and I was thinking about how I need to try to figure out a way to get the oil changed in my car. (I had been bad, due to money problems and scheduling conflicts, I was over 4,000 miles overdue. I NEVER go that long and my car really hates being over - it starts driving poorly) I’m shaken out of this sleep by my phone ringing. It was my mom telling me that she’s going to drive down today and get my oil changed in my car no matter what. (she’s psycho about things like that - she literally was afraid my car would “explode” if it wasn’t done. Yes it needed doing, but it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as she made it out to be). I told her that I’d have to call her back since I think we have plans today (to be honest, I was too sleepy still to be affirmative enough to get her to understand she can’t just show up at my apt without planning it first). I hang up and hear the front door open and close. My Love had just come home and there, sticking out of my purse, is a yellow piece of paper. I unfold it and it was a receipt. He went and got my oil changed that morning as I was thinking about how it needed to be done and my mom was calling me to tell me she was coming over to do it. It was so weird. I just sat there a second, looking at the paper, blinking, realizing what an odd sort of synchronicity that was. Anyway, things like this keep happening and I don’t exactly know what to make of it. I mean it’s cool, but it’s not something that is helping me - I’m not finding myself better off in a situation because of it. And, because I don’t put it together until after the fact, it’s not even like a precognition. It’s just odd to be honest. Makes me wonder where this came from, what it is, and if it’s going to get any more clear or useful. It also reminds me that there’s always something more about myself and the way that the world bends around me then I understand. (and no, that was NOT a fat joke) *laughs*

Anyway, it’s now after 4pm and I still have a half hour drive back to the apt. Think I’ll head out now so I don’t catch quite all of the traffic. I know there were other things I was going to talk about, but damn if I remember them now. I’m so sleepy for some reason, it’s all I can do not to just plop down and nap right here and now. I think that this week I’m going to go ahead and dye my hair (even though we’re a little short of the 3 month date of October 14th) because…well, I have the time to do it and I’ve been wanting to anyway. I just hope I don’t fry it too much because it really didn’t seem to enjoy the last time I did it and is just starting to seem “normal” again. But I’ve been good - taking not only a women’s multi vitamin everyday, but one for hair, skin, and nails. (anything to improve my poor diet) I don’t know how I’ll be able to show it off, but I’ll see what I can do to get some pics up if I do end up dying it this week. (Herbal Essences #42 - Wild Cinnamon [Deep Auburn])

Alrighty, I’m out. Take care and be well all.

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 10/4/2001 01:48:57 PM ~ ~