Still trying to publish. Looks like the ftp is down...may be down for good. If this publishes, it may be the last thing I can upload here. Check out the http://ddd.blogspot.com or even my Ever-Changing Quote here: http://dddquotes.blogspot.com/ until I can set this up somewhere else permanatly. Just another fun surprise in the line of crap as the gothic-angels.com domain goes down...
How many times can I possibly check this damn thing to see if it's published yet?? Defeats the point of the actual content of the post for today...something not about site bitching... grr...
Fuck…I just lost my journal entry because of an accidental key stroke…my Natural Keyboard has buttons on it that do things. One of them is marked, “Sleep.” Well, what they do not tell you is that the “Sleep” button instantly turned off my computer – literally without any confirmation or warning – turned the pc entirely off. I will do my best to recreate what I was typing about, but that does not often work well as I suffer from being able to write something once and only once and then it’s gone…
Lately I sleep with nothing short of violent desperation. As if weariness coursed through my body rather then blood. I come home, sit on the couch and my weight is doubled, or tripled even. I lack the desire to eat or prepare dinner so that most nights, I don’t. I sit on the couch, watch perhaps an hour or two of television, only to fall unbidden into sleep as the clock approaches ten. Last night, in the moments it took my Love to go outside to have a smoke, I had collapsed into slumber so deep it took several attempts over an hour to rouse me. I stumbled into the bedroom, collapsed into bed and was instantly out again. Something is simply not right…
As I sleep, some times I wake up at some unknown part of the night (for the alarm clock is on the other side of the bed and I cannot see it from where I lay) and am terribly, terribly confused as to who I am, where I am, what I am doing and what is going on. I have these odd moments where I can not fathom why I am there in the dark and a sense of awful wrongness with the situation looms over me. At the same time though, I am eerily calm about it – as if I am resigned to the outcome, however horrid it might be. I lay there for some small amount of time and eventually a darkness so thick, it’s like velvet, covers me and I find myself falling away, back from myself, into that syrup-thick sleep.
When the alarm goes off in the morning, I experience something similar. I’ve gotten into a habit of setting the alarm for one time, but resetting it for 20 minutes later once it goes off. It allows me time to snooze and accept the concept of waking up and generally works well. Lately though, in those 20 minutes, I am again engulfed by that drowning darkness so that when the alarm rings the second time, I am confused and alienated from myself and my surroundings that I have to remember again why I am there. It is as if time stretched out so far that it has been years and not mere minutes or hours since last I was awake. In the brief moments on the edge of waking, I feel I can remember lifetimes of places, words, colors, and actions that flitter away as my senses return.
During the bright lights and busy pace of my day, I am not tired and I do not think on the oddities of my sleeping the night before. It’s not until I get home and relax that it slowly creeps out towards me as growing shadows of night creep with sunset. I find myself starting to worry; starting to question what this means and why it is happening. Gone are the normal – albeit silly – dreams of the norm. In their place lies a pool of endless darkness, whose surface is so smooth, I can not peer to it’s depths. Gone are the mornings feeling either refreshed or under slept. In their place are confusion and fatalistic knowledge of things not in or of my life.
I just don’t know what any of it means and as it happens night after night and week after week, I grow more and more worried the effect it has on my waking life. Filling my mind and stealing my rest, I am filled with it and I fear that it must stop or sleep will become my enemy and not the friend it’s always been. That where once there was lucid splendor, there is now only a lost lot of time without beginning or end.
In any event, time betrays me yet again as my lunch break is over and I need to yet post this before I can return to my work…thoughts are welcomed…night yet again lies in eager wait, coming all too soon to steal me away again.
Just a quickie update (don’t I say that everyday?) to let everyone know what’s going on…
The Site A reminder, gothic-angels.com is the domain that has been hosting me for about a year now. The journal, the main site, and the images for the forum are all there. My whole web presence is there. Well, it’s closing on December 1st. So far, I’ve got $28 towards hosting from the commission from vampfangs.com Halloween sales, but that’s about it. It’s enough to register a domain name, but I’m still needing the monthly hosting costs (looking like about $15 odd bucks a month).
Yesterday, the site was apparently down for a significant amount of time and I even lost some feedback here on the journal. (see note from this morning below). It’s a bad sign of things to come. If I up and disappear again, everyone should bookmark several alternate addresses of places to reach me, the site, and the journal. DDD – What’s going on http://ddd.blogspot.com
One of these places will be updated by either myself (as possible) or Orb as things happen. Sorry for all this but it’s going to probably continue to be unstable and confusing until things are situated for good.
Work Continues to go well. I like it here and they like me so it’s a good thing. *smiles* I’m getting paid a good salary and it’s a weekly pay period, so it definitely looks like I will have a chance to catch up on some bills in a decent amount of time. Still need to tightly budget out my money, but there’s definitely things like internet on the horizon. Pardon me a moment while I just yell out “Yippie!”
Buffy Well, since someone asked, I actually enjoyed the Buffy Musical. It was campy (but isn’t that the fun of Buffy in general?) and funny even though not all the actors could exactly hold a note. *lol* I still enjoyed it and it was certainly different as episodes go so that’s a good thing. Refreshing change I suppose you could say. (Besides the fact that I’ve had the one line of, “Where do we go from here…?” stuck in my head for like three days now). All-in-all, I liked it.
Anything Else? Um…I don’t think so. Not really. Man, I’ve had some boring-ass entries lately. Nothing actually interesting, just belated notices of things that already happened (such as the site going down). I need to try to write some entries from home that actually contain some content (when I’m not typing like mad in the couple minutes my co-worker is at lunch and I can use the PC) It’s just late by the time I get home, then figure out something to do for food, and realx for a couple minutes, maybe watch a tv show or two before it’s time for me to crash in bed. (I’ve been going to be at the insanely early hour of like 10:30 – 11:30pm!!) But, when that alarm goes off at 6:45am and I’m looking at a loooong day ahead of me that’s just nonstop, I just am so worn out, I can’t help it. That’s the thing that sucks about working…no time to do anything but try to catch up on rest when you were trying to get stuff done. And Saturday I need to bring my car in to the dealership at 10am. Spent like $300 on the brakes back in April and they’re squealing and grinding and the pedal is soft on me…like 6 months later! Damn am I mad. (and worried that I drive like 40 miles a day in HEAVY commuter stop-and-go traffic with failing brakes). This will be the third time I think that I’ve had to have the complete brake system redone…I’m getting really mad about it too. Anyway, I need to run. Time’s almost up. Have a good one all…happy Wednesday. (subliminal note: you will watch west wing tonight…you will watch west wing tonight…) *lol*
Seems the domain was down yesterday - I don't know for how long - and that I might have lost a comment or two in my feedback. Dove's was one of them (yes I'd love to see your pics!). As for any others, I don't know what they might have been (if any), but I'm sorry...Time is running out here so I can expect probably more problems before it closes for good...
Gotta run though since I just got into work. More if time permits later...
Thankfully, it’s a slower Tuesday then it was yesterday’s Monday…man oh man was it busy. I ended up getting out of here at almost 6pm (bear in mind that I start at 8am which means I was here for a looong time) Tinkering around today on cd labels – both trying how to figure out how the damn software works and then also trying to make it do what I want it to do with images when I have only MS Paint to configure the images. Oh yeah, it’s a challenge. Can you say, “Bringing in my PaintShop Pro7 tomorrow?” I knew that you could. *laughs* The good thing about it all though is that I had a chance to do something even remotely creative today which is a pleasant change. I’ve just been itching to do something with graphics and/or site design for days now and have lacked the time and opportunity to do so. (I’m even thinking of a redesign for the journal here, even though I like this version and that I only made it like a month ago…) I think I’m turning into Orb! *LOL!*
Joolo’s coming over tonight and we’re all going to watch the Buffy Musical. For as silly and campy as it probably will be, it looks like a lot of fun.
5:22pm: Had to go and say that I wasn’t busy didn’t I? Ha! When will I learn? Well, I have to head out now so this is the end of this entry. Got delayed configuring the pc and network of the Sales Manager’s New computer. Hopefully more tomorrow, but out for now!
Monday, Bloody Monday I am currently on my lunch break, typing this up from another pc that is not yet connected to the network with the hopes that before the end of the day I can get this uploaded. It’s been a damn busy day today and in addition, it’s Monday and we all know how evil those are just by definition! *lol* Still trying to get a handle on the flow of the paperwork and the processes (when and where we have a process) that are needed to get a customer completely finished from sales to processing to installation and beyond. It’s a lot to figure out and there are simply tons of times we need to “touch” each file to get all these things accomplished. It’s a busy office and it’s just growing more and more busy. Right now, my boss wants my input on ways of actually creating systems and procedures to simplify and streamline this process but *whew* it’s a lot to try to figure out. I just know there has to be a better way of keeping up with things then we are now, but figuring that part out is another matter entirely. What doesn’t help matters is that we’re still trying to figure out the use of the space as well so that right now I am sharing an already too cramped work space and one computer with one of my co-workers. It makes it hard to get things done when you’re tripping over each other! I’m not unhappy about the job and the things that I’m doing; I’m just still on the busy end of the learning curve at the same time that we’re really going through our growing pains. In the though, we’ll figure it out and it’s cool to know that I’ll be the one that helped set it up. Like my boss is always saying, “It’s exciting to start a new company!” He’s right, it really is. There’s just so much to do to make it look easy! I’m excited though because getting in here and now means that I’ll have the seniority and the experience to train others later on when we expand to do the things I am doing now. ie: I’ll be in the fast lane to grow with the company as it grows. (always a good thing! FAR too often in large corporations you simply can NOT advance anywhere because the structure and hierarchy are already in place)
Digital Cameras and Pictures, Oh my! Let’s see…I still will get the pics of my work and the ones of me in my glasses uploaded as soon as possible – I was going to do it yesterday when I was at my friend’s house, but I discovered I didn’t have the correct cd burner software to install so I could burn them to get them to his house. I have it now so all I need to do is make the disk and get over there one of these days (and/or bring it to work and try to steal a couple minutes to publish it from here). I don’t think the pics that I took with my glasses are that great because of some funky lighting problems, but seeing as I already gave (begrudgingly!) the digital camera back, they may just have to do. Man, the sheer possibility of things you can do with a digital camera though for the couple days that I had it are enough to make me want one even more then I did before. WOW are they cool. Now, my friend’s is some $900 fancy-pants one with far more options then I need, but it was certainly a good tease for just how cool they really are. I’ve always had a thing for photography – I just like preserving things that I see and sharing that with others – but I never manage to get the shots I want let alone get around to developing the film that I do take. There’s nothing more frustrating then taking pictures only to wait forever to get them developed and when you get them back, you realize you missed the shot you wanted by half an inch or something like that. It’s aggravating. Being able to quickly preview your shot and see if it’s what you want, not to mention being able to take many more pictures then what you could on a roll of film, AND the fact that you can just plug it into your pc and poof there’s your shots ready for the web, is simply awe-inspiring! (Ok, yes, if you haven’t guessed already, I am an admitted techno geek!) Put it this way, digital cameras are super high on my “must have” list!
Could it be? Is the internet in my future? What else…? Well, looks like my long, long, long stretch of being internet-less may finally be drawing to a close. With the money I’ll be making from my job, it shouldn’t take me too terribly long to catch up on my bills and to be able to turn on cable service again. (wow…not only will I have more then 5 fuzzy channels, but I can go online whenever I want!) There are only a few things that need paying first – such as car insurance and my storage unit – and I should be back on a track to being able to pay my bills again (and start paying back all the people who were kind enough to help me out this painful summer). I won’t be living the high life off the bat, I have FAR too many debts to repay first, but I certainly will be able to do something as simple as get myself some internet access again. (for which of course, I consider a necessity, not a luxury!) I can’t even tell you how simply miraculous that sounds to me…to actually have my own internet access again. Sad, but true. *laughs*
December is coming soon… And, speaking of internet and things like that, yes I will be coming back online (hopefully) soon, but I still have the problem of my host going down. Now, my dear and wonderful friend Orb has offered to host me when gothic-angels.com goes away, but the goal is still to get DDD a domain of it’s own. With the sales from Halloween on the fangs, I’ve got almost $30 to put towards it, but contributions are always appreciated and welcomed. I hate to have to keep mentioning it, but we’re getting awfully close to December and I don’t want to wait until the last, panicky moment to make the move. Right now, I’m listed in every search engine I could ever hope to be and I’d hate to lose all that traffic because I didn’t have time to redirect people to the new site location. (which is still to be determined. There are several domain names I am currently considering and as soon as I settle on one and register it, I’ll unveil it…) I have also been tinkering around with a complete redesign of the site as well and I think I’ve found a sharp style to go with. I’ve also been working on some more articles and even more information to include on the site to make it an even better resource. All I ask is that if you have a couple bucks you can contribute towards it, if it’s helped you, and if you appreciate the three years of work I’ve put into this ever-growing site, that you either click my PayPal link in the left column, or you drop me an email at webmaster@memoryanddream.zzn.com to make arrangements. A little means a lot and I appreciate everyone’s help and support.
Final thoughts… Whew. Enough about the domain for now. My lunch is just about over so let me wrap up here for the time being. As always, feedback is welcomed, so feel free to leave me your comments and thoughts with the “Feedback” link on the left. It’s one of the few things I get to read rather quickly, so it’s a good way to catch me in a timely manner.
Have a great Monday everyone, take care and be well. *smiles*
...post script: Damn, I've been on-and-off dizzy all day and I don't know why. It's a bit worrisome though since there's no reason and it just seems to happen at random. Hopefully I just need some sleep... *eep*
Just a short note....I'm at my friend's house tonight (was supposed to be over here yesterday but didn't make it) and wanted to make a post. Today we (my Love, my friend, and I) went to a cool Native American Art show. There was some amazingly cool stuff there - truly quality work ranging from paintings, sculpture, jewlery, and more. Nice, nice items. We picked up a print from this great artist named Donald Vann. He's full-blooded Cherokee and has some simply AMAZING work. According to the brochure I grabbed from his booth, he has two galleries based in Austin. (Too bad that's just a few too many states away for easy browsing!) Here's the pic we bought:
Beyond that...I guess I don't have much to say. I've not been sleeping so well lately and find myself tired just about all the time. I thought it was just because of the early morings for work, that I wasn't use to them. But, even this weekend, I didn't sleep. Kept waking up through the night and couldn't sleep past 10am (which is two hours earlier then I generally wake up on the weekend). What makes it worse is that during the day I start to nod off - I even took an hour nap at 5pm today before coming over here - and it still doesn't feel like enough. It worries me because sleeping has never been a problem for me. I usually sleep too much. Just another little frustration I suppose in the never-ending line of them in life. (happy attitude hu? *lol*)
All-in-all though I'm doing a lot better now then I've been any time in recent memory. I actually REALLY like my job. I'm not even bitter at the traffic or the 20 mile one-way drive. Everyone really likes me, compliment me all the time, and it's such an easy-going office (ie: get to wear jeans everyday AND we joke constantly) that I am for once, not dreading being there. It's a weird but cool feeling and I enjoy feeling so appreciated. The fact that I'm making good money at it and was promised a raise in 90 days on top of it makes it even better.
Um...I think there was more I wanted to mention, but I'm really distracted for some reason so I don't know what it would have been. (oops) I'm going to close here then.
