I have all these things I want to say and no idea how to put them in words so if I ramble or whatever, sorry - I just need to try to get them out. Lately, things just have ths heaviness behind the surface that is bearing me down and making me hurt inside. Not like a truly physical pain, but just this emptiness and this almost burning within. I find myself not sleeping right, or not enough, or just feeling like it even if I get enough according to the clock. It's like I'm happy and good on the outside, but somewhere inside I've got this deep sadness and depression. The weird thing is that it feels like it's someone or something else - that it's not me. It's not like other times in my life where I was depressed because those times I knew it; I wore it open on my sleeve. There was no hiding nor denying that I was unhappy. But, lately, it's different. It's like a cancer or sickness growing inside that is not me but part of me nonetheless...
I keep hearing this thought in my head. It's in my voice, but smaller. It's not my thought though - or at least not one I want or mean to think. You know how you get a song in your head sometimes and you can hear it just as if there's a radio playing somewhere in your brain? It's obviously your mind "playing" it, but not so much you making it as simply hearing it. Well, that's this thought. It just keeps hitting me over and over at random times, in mid sentance, while driving, laughing, playing, reading, whatever. And it always says the same thing: I hate my life.
The wierd thing is that for once, I really don't. There's been so much bad shit in my life to fill more years then I can claim that the way things are now are some of the best I've ever had. I like my job, I have good friends, I have a comfortable home, I'm catching up on my bills and can see money left over every now and again. I had a great christmas and new year. There wasn't much to be unhappy over this holiday. Things are moving forward and upward. And yet, this little voice keeps speaking in my head and no matter how much I yell at it to shut up, it just comes back again at another time. When it's not saying those damned words, it's not there. Gone. Poof. Some days and times I even forget about it because I've got a lot of positive things to think about these days. Granted, not everything is perfect, but for once in my life it feels like I honestly can say I harbor an optimistic - not pesimistive - view of life. I don't find that dour and unhappy person I used to be a source of comfort or appeal any longer. So this little voice scares me. It makes me wonder if that depressed me I was for so many long years is still there in my head just waiting to take back over. And I don't want that to happen.
Gods, when I write this I sound like I'm crazy - like I'm suffering from some split personality disorder or something, but that's not it. I don't believe that voice is someone else, just that it feels like someone else. Like, a hangover from who I used to be, but because I've changed, I don't recognize it anymore...
The problem is that it's starting to be more then a voice in my head though. It's starting to affect my good mood and relation with others. People at work are asking me if I'm getting sick and I'm not - I just tell them I'm tired. And I am. Just not so much sleepy as worn thin in my soul. And it sucks. I don't want to feel this way because I don't want to be that person.
But the voice is so persistant. And loud despite it's whisper. And I just don't know what to do.
oh yeah, cam's up today. Eh, nothing exciting, but it's there.
Wow. Wanna hear a first in a looooong time? I actually left the building (and yes, my computer here at my desk) for lunch! Woah. *giggles* And, just in case any of you women-folk are interested to know and didn't like I didn't until I stumbled upon it, Victoria's Secret is having their Semi Anual Bra and Panty sale! Bras starting at $9.99/panties at $2.99! This is the BEST time to go there and the only time of the year I can truely afford to go there. So, get! *lol*
Um...what else was my point? Oh yeah. Check out The Eye Project My eyes are up there. Pretty cool, eh?
Anyway, that's about it. It's still miserable, cold, and RAINY - bleck - outside and I need to warm up and dry off. Out!
3) Thank you Edo for the way cool Christmas card and comics! It's so cool! (I got it like a week ago in my mail but keep forgetting to mention it - arg)
4) Orb, I've STILL got your Xmas gifts from Joolo and I in the backseat of my car. Need a damned box to pack 'em in and send them. Bah humbug at this point, right? *laughs*
5) Damn I am TIRED! zzz....
More later - no pics yet since Rand didn't come over last night so I still don't have the cable to connect the digital camera to the pc. Took some pics of my office too that I'll put up whenever I can.
First off, no cam today. Forgot to bring it in and to be honest, I look like poop anyway, so I'm kinda glad I did forget! I'll try to remember it tomorrow. :)
New Year's Eve So, I ended up (thankfully!) getting out of work early as I had hoped. (my VP is cool) This gave me plenty of time to get home, get ready, and get some food before we went over to Busch Gardens. (It also gave me about a half hour net time at my friend's house). So, parking was a nightmare (one person taking all the money for the lot - on two lanes at once) and took about 30 minutes, but once we were parked, we had a great time. The sum total of us was me, my Love, my friend Joolo, my friend Rand, his mom & step-dad, their friend and her daughter. It was a large and diverse group, but a fun group nonetheless. Everyone but Joolo and I are big rollarcoaster fans, but the cool thing was that since neither one of us could be dragged on one even if we were dead, we hung out for the first hour or so on our own. I was glad to have someone with me so I wasn't just sitting there by my lonesome. We meandered about and made our way back to Timbucktu and the arcade area. Rode the merry-go-round (hey, I love those things) and played "Dance Dance Revolution" which is a really silly game where you have to match up the on-screen beat with your feet. Man was it silly. (but fun) I actually did better then Joolo and he owns the Playstation version at home! *lol*
After that, we met back up with the group and did some bumper cars. Such simple things. *giggles* The group did a few more coasters and we all wandered about. I tried taking some pics of the evening, but I don't think many came out since it was really dark in there. All the animal exhibits where closed, but the rides were open. The funny thing is that it's Busch Gardens, right? They've got a beer factory literally on the property. But, it's a "celebrate safe" night and there's NO alcohol allowed. Silly, ne? The problem was that it was FREEZING cold. I was only in a 3/4 length shirt and my jacket (which isn't really made for super, super cold). Well, it got more then cold enough to see your breath and the wind was just nasty. It got down to about 40 or so (that's damned cold for Florida). By the end of the night, my poor Love ended up taking off his jacket (a thick and heavy true winter coat) and put it on over mine. Once I get cold, I'm just cold and that's all there is to it. Sucks. Yesterday, my chest hurt and my voice was all cracky from the cold, but I'm better today.
To finish the evening, we had fireworks at midnight. It was a lot of fun and I can't thank Rand's mom enough for not only inviting us, but paying for everyone's ticket. She's such a sweetie. I did manage to get some shots of us as a group that I'll upload from his camera as soon as he brings me the cable. (he left the cam at my house but the cable at his)
New Year's Day By the time I got to bed it was about 4am on the 1st and I slept dead until about 11:30am. For some reason though, I just felt like I had gotten zero sleep and kept dozing off during the day. We ran some errands and I was going to go over to Rand's to get the photos (from hockey and new years) but I just didn't have the energy. By 7pm I was ready to call it a night.
Back to Work I Go So, that about wraps up lunch. I'm at work today and I'm really still a bit out of it. (amazing how I got so tired and I didn't even drink or anything!) Joolo's coming over tonight apparently and my Love's already asked him to bring his version of Dance Dance Revolution since not only am I supposed to be doing this again, but my Love wants to try it himself. I'm hoping to get the cable from Rand tonight also, and if so, I'll get the photos uploaded to my pc tonight, format them, save 'em on disk and bring them with me to work tomorrow for an update. *sheesh, it's so much work. I want internet at home!!*
Oh, by the way, I made an update to the site - specifically the "Webmistress" section to finally include some of my pics AND a small gallery of new webcam shots. New! New! New! :)
(hey, it's me. I'm at my friend Rand's killing time before we go out. Surfing on ebay and peeking at stuff I like. Since I'm not on my pc, I'm bookmarking them here. Of course, anyone wanting to buy any for me are MORE then willing to make a donation to my PayPal account. *grin*)
Yes, I'm at work today (but you can nose in on me if you want) But hopefully, not 'til 5pm. pleasepleasepleaseplease not til 5pm!
Went to a hockey game on Saturday at the Ice Palace to see the Lightning play the Bruins (my Love's favortite team). They won 5 to 4 in OT. It was a great game. We stuck around afterwards and got several signatures on his Bruins jersey from people like Rob Zamuner - #17, Bill Guerin - #13, and my Love's favorite, Hal Gill - #25. It's REALLY cool. I'll get some shots of it up - along with some pics taken by Rand's digital cam of the game itself - hopefully tomorrow.
Whoo-hoo!! My Love just called me and told me that we're going to Busch Garden's New Years party! YIPPIE!! See, until just now on the phone, we hadn't made any plans and a group of us was just going to hang out in the apartment. Thanks to Rand's Mom for spotting us the cost of the tix so we can go! (she's such a sweetie!!) Yippie Yippie Yippie! I have plans!! *giggles*
Ok, I'll get the images up maybe tomorrow or so from the game. Today, feel free to watch me for as long as I'm at work. If anyone has pictures saved from last Friday's cam show that they'd like to share, drop me a note (webmaster@drinkdeeplyanddream.com) with the pic(s) attached. I want to make a gallery of images, but I didn't save any for myself.
