I have all these things I want to say and no idea how to put them in words so if I ramble or whatever, sorry - I just need to try to get them out. Lately, things just have ths heaviness behind the surface that is bearing me down and making me hurt inside. Not like a truly physical pain, but just this emptiness and this almost burning within. I find myself not sleeping right, or not enough, or just feeling like it even if I get enough according to the clock. It's like I'm happy and good on the outside, but somewhere inside I've got this deep sadness and depression. The weird thing is that it feels like it's someone or something else - that it's not me. It's not like other times in my life where I was depressed because those times I knew it; I wore it open on my sleeve. There was no hiding nor denying that I was unhappy. But, lately, it's different. It's like a cancer or sickness growing inside that is not me but part of me nonetheless...
I keep hearing this thought in my head. It's in my voice, but smaller. It's not my thought though - or at least not one I want or mean to think. You know how you get a song in your head sometimes and you can hear it just as if there's a radio playing somewhere in your brain? It's obviously your mind "playing" it, but not so much you making it as simply hearing it. Well, that's this thought. It just keeps hitting me over and over at random times, in mid sentance, while driving, laughing, playing, reading, whatever. And it always says the same thing: I hate my life.
The wierd thing is that for once, I really don't. There's been so much bad shit in my life to fill more years then I can claim that the way things are now are some of the best I've ever had. I like my job, I have good friends, I have a comfortable home, I'm catching up on my bills and can see money left over every now and again. I had a great christmas and new year. There wasn't much to be unhappy over this holiday. Things are moving forward and upward. And yet, this little voice keeps speaking in my head and no matter how much I yell at it to shut up, it just comes back again at another time. When it's not saying those damned words, it's not there. Gone. Poof. Some days and times I even forget about it because I've got a lot of positive things to think about these days. Granted, not everything is perfect, but for once in my life it feels like I honestly can say I harbor an optimistic - not pesimistive - view of life. I don't find that dour and unhappy person I used to be a source of comfort or appeal any longer. So this little voice scares me. It makes me wonder if that depressed me I was for so many long years is still there in my head just waiting to take back over. And I don't want that to happen.
Gods, when I write this I sound like I'm crazy - like I'm suffering from some split personality disorder or something, but that's not it. I don't believe that voice is someone else, just that it feels like someone else. Like, a hangover from who I used to be, but because I've changed, I don't recognize it anymore...
The problem is that it's starting to be more then a voice in my head though. It's starting to affect my good mood and relation with others. People at work are asking me if I'm getting sick and I'm not - I just tell them I'm tired. And I am. Just not so much sleepy as worn thin in my soul. And it sucks. I don't want to feel this way because I don't want to be that person.
But the voice is so persistant. And loud despite it's whisper. And I just don't know what to do.
oh yeah, cam's up today. Eh, nothing exciting, but it's there.
~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream
at 1/4/2002 10:48:42 AM ~
~
