And endless chant within my skull speaks without breath and without pause since yesterday when I wrote the entry previous....ever repeating, and in my own voice is says over and over these words i hate my life...i hate my life....i hate my life..i hate my life...i hate my life....i hate my life...i hate my life...i hate my life....i hate my life It crashes in time with the rolling thunderstorm outside my window; matching my frustration and bitterness towards it all. This morning came in pain and downpour as I realized I simply could not face the day. No one thing - although many minor things like headache, stomach ache, and sheer weariness were included - was the cause, just the complete picture of suffering and mental anguish that seems to be all that's left of me these days. I've slumped officially into a funk again and feel this depression like a vice around my heart and head. Even this day is wasted as the number of things I could be doing; catching up on, or getting accomplished drown under my dispondant mood. The sheer desire to do instead nothing and turn my mind off so I can cease these thoughts fills my moments as the hours pass. Already four hours have I lost to sleep - an escape too seldom enjoyed - but upon waking, leaving me feeling all the worse for the experience. to die; to sleep...to sleep perchance to dream...

And, as if my need for escape were not on it's own bad enough, I now must "make up" these hours by surrendering my Saturday to my job. What then, is the POINT of needing a day off if I must work another in its sted??!! How now does this help me? How does this provide me any semblance of rest that I require? NONE of course it gives me; NONE which I am so desperately crying out for. And thinking this a new word adds to my chant in the space where breath would be as it rages within my skull: fuck.

Something more or better or happier there must be in this world! Why can I not find it for my own!?

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 4/3/2002 02:22:12 PM ~ ~