I picked up the paper last night. I figure I should start looking through the classifieds. It's not that I've actually spoken to my boss and told him once and for all that I quit, but...on the other hand, since I've exactly not called him and not shown up for work, I think it's pretty much a given. I had a dream last night that I went in there - like normal - and he has my stuff packed up. (of course, it was a dream, so for some reason I had like a whole house full of stuff there instead of just personal effects of an office) He gave me a birthday card with a gift certificate in it (for $30 to some imaginary stor) since I wouldn't be there for my birthday next month (may 16th). He told me that it was for the best this way. I was a little upset, but really, I had expected as much. The happy thing about the dream was that he wasn't an ass as I fear he'll be in real life. I'm just so anxious over it all that I don't even want to call him and talk to him. I just want to slink away and hide. I'm such a wuss when it comes to any sort of confrontation. Too many years getting beat up by my asshole father I think as a child to be comfortable about a person's reaction in a disagreement. Not that I really believe he'd even come close to hitting me, still, I have that flinch away response. For better or worse, the things we learn as young children tend to stick with us. From my mom, I learned a love of reading (gods I'm a voracious reader who has to have a book in progress literally constantly) and from my father, I learned to fear a lot of situations. It sucks. :(

Anyway, I was dreaming I should email him; give him a status on what's going on (how I'm waiting for my dr's test results and I'll get back with him when I know) but then I got up and I didn't. Seemed futile. I mean, he never emailed me back from the time I emailed him last time (on Thursday, telling him I had another dr appointment for Friday) so it's kinda like why bother? It's all games anyway and I think he's already written me off for good so...eh, why bother continuing to play alone?

Oh well. This was gonna be a one-liner to say I'm away from my pc sorting through the classifieds. More about the Festival later when I have time to sit down and write about it. I'm so bummed. I wanted to cry when I left there last night. I just didn't want to go. :( More later...

~ flowers bloom near Memory and Dream at 4/15/2002 12:50:47 PM ~ ~